Just a giggle and a dream...

There are moments that spring upon me—moments where I long to have someone else in my life. Is that selfish? Is that ungrateful to yearn for something more? I don’t think so. It can overtake me and become an obsession. It’s happened before, but today it’s not like that.

I’ve had months of calm tranquility in my life where this discussion of the other has been a sleeping dog, if you will. I haven’t been daily contemplating my singleness or complaining about the lack of men in my life. If anything it’s been quite the opposite. I’ve been oddly enough content and at peace with the solitude and serenity of my situation.

And today it’s no different. I’m not regressing back to 3 years ago. I’m not crying or boohooing my singleton lifestyle. I’m not depressed. It's just that the dream of more is still alive and well in me. I want my own significant other! [Not that everyone already in my life is NOT significant or anything! AHEM!]

Guess it all started earlier this week. I was laughing about something I had written down, and it suddenly came to me: I hope he likes to read and write…whoever he is. And then later as I looked at a friend’s website that displays her accomplishments as a photographer, I contemplated again: Oh I hope he likes pictures! And wouldn’t it be great if he was a photo-nut, too? And then I giggled secretly to myself. No sobs or hysterics. No melancholy brooding. All at once I was keenly aware of how good it felt to be alive in that moment with just a giggle and a dream...

My breath has been taken away...

No, I don't have some big news of my own to share...I've just been thinking about 2 of my dear friends, Angie and Andy, and their big moment of becoming parents. They are in China right now as I write this in the process of adopting a beautiful baby girl, and it's so exciting.

As I read their blog this afternoon and got an update on little Sarah Grace, I got chills and started tearing up. Angie and Andy are 2 of the kindest, most loving and compassionate people I have ever met. [And I'm not just writing this in case they ever read this...they really are inspiring!] I'm so very thrilled for them. I can't help but feel at a loss for words when I contemplate how exciting it must be for them to be able to hold this dear cuddly little soul that they have inherited from a gracious, loving heavenly FATHER that knew exactly what child to place in their hearts and home! They've been praying for this moment, preparing for this entry into parenthood, and now here it is. GOD has been faithful yet again!

I'm awestruck and so excited...what a joy! [Enough said!]

There’s just something magical about weddings!

It’s hard not to smile when you see how happy the bride is, and when you catch the groom adoringly admiring the bride or hear him retelling their story, it’s simply delightful. But being a single 30-something female without a man or even the potential of a man does tend to taint that blissful view. More and more, I find that I both love and loathe weddings!

When I attend a wedding, I’m safe for an hour or 2—just enough time to catch the wedding and spend a short time at the reception—that I can handle, but after that, I can’t take it anymore. I’m done…doesn’t actually diminish my happiness for the bride and groom. I’m thrilled for them, but after a couple of hours, I personally crash.

To me weddings are both hope and pain. It’s exciting to see another couple joined in holy matrimony. Just watching them pledge their love for one another gives me just a wee bit of hope that maybe there really is someone special ahead for me as well. Not that my current life isn’t satisfying just the way it is, but there is still that GOD-given longing to share my life with someone. And so for a brief while, something stirs inside of me and revives that feeling and sensation of excitement and anticipation that “it could still happen.” It’s as if I have wings, and it’s all right to dream again.

But once the wedding is all over, I return back to the real world, and I crash down from that pinnacle of hope. The post-wedding blues arrive and suddenly that earlier “high” transforms into something dark and morbid. The hope is replaced with despair and anxiety! Where once was confidence, fear has taken over, and I’m longing to be anywhere but there, and so I leave. I mentally check out and return to my own little life.

I guess weddings cause me to face my greatest fear—that of being alone. To those who know me, this may sound like a contradiction since I claim to love being alone and enjoy my solitude perhaps more than I should. But maybe it’s all a sham. Perhaps I shut myself in to keep hope out and to prevent myself from longing for more than I already have. For where there is hope, there is also the opportunity for pain…