I'm with you, Jane!

I’m re-reading Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. I think it’s my favorite novel ever. Well, it’s on my top 5 list anyway. I just love it! There is something simply fascinating about Jane Eyre and her romance with Mr. Edward Fairfax Rochester. Something alluring that pulls me in every time and makes me revel in each delicious page as if it were my first read! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again...Jane Eyre has molded my sense of love and has forever changed the way I view relationships. See one of my first posts: Its just the Mystery that Keeps It Going.

While re-reading my favorite again, I am struck anew with how much I crave to find my own second self like Jane did. I love the fact that Jane’s love for Rochester as well as his love for her is deeper than any mere physical attraction or worldly possessions. They both truly love the other--body, soul and spirit. He doesn’t have to be molded like a Greek Adonis or favored with incredible good looks. Sure attraction is needed, but it’s not always obvious at first glance. He doesn’t have to be wealthy as a king or in a high-end career. It would be enough if he were hard-working. He doesn’t have to be flawless or above reproach. An ability to admit faults is highly regarded in my eyes especially accompanied by openness and honesty.

Jane says: "...it is my spirit that addresses your spirit!"

Rochester says to her: "Your mind is my treasure..."

It is truly inspiring and beautiful! (sigh!)

I’m aching to have that type of a relationship with just one other. And while the years keep coming and going, and I sometimes doubt it myself, there is still part of me that believes GOD created a match for me as well, and that my second self is still out there. Maybe it’s a frivolous hope, but it’s one I keep close by tucked in with my other dreams. Those other dreams that have also been given back to HIM and are just waiting to see what HE plans to do with them...

Gala Evening 2

HA! I did all that worrying needlessly. My first ever Gala Evening went by without any issues. I felt welcomed and enjoyed myself. The people in attendance were real people, not the haughty persons I was expecting to encounter.

What a goober am I though? I was expecting to be there at a benefit for one organization when it was really for another. How silly is that!! I had the whole thing wrong.

It’s funny how we worry about the unknown, isn’t it? How we get worked up about the details of this or that when it hasn’t even happened yet! HA! That’s the story of my life!

Thanks for a fun evening, Sara! I had a great time!

Gala Evening

I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman minus the whole sex for money thing; the long, wavy red hair; and the fabulous red dress...OK, the truth is we have nothing in common except for the fact that both characters (myself and her character in the movie) don’t normally get out and hob-nob with the elite in society. Don’t normally get out and hob-nob--HA! Who am I kidding? I never do.

My friend Sara asked me and our friend Jessica to join her at her company’s table at a Gala this weekend. I’m not quite sure what to expect here, but my imagination has definitely gotten out of hand. I’m picturing all these snooty models with their gorgeous escorts who will all be looking down their noses at me through their champagne flutes. They’ll be wearing black cocktail dresses and 6-inch heels as they dangle on the arm of someone rich and famous, while I’ll be sporting something clean from my closet and trying to stand upright in my Target special shoes. They’ll be munching on their one allowed whole grain cracker of the evening while I’ll be holding a plate full of food and wondering where dessert is.

Can’t you just picture it now? This just isn’t me. See, I’m a simple girl. I may love elegance in homes and décor, and be a bit more than enraptured with art, architecture, and photography. I do have a love for beauty and classic design, but I’m not exactly what you would call a refined or distinguished person. I’m just Mel.

1. I still like country music. Over the past 6 years, I have developed a taste for pop, rock and alternative, too. Music from Nickelback and Evanescence has a definite grip on me! But I still think there is a bit of me tied permanently to country. I’ve tried to stop. I really have. I entered a program after my sister expressed her concerns, but there is still something about blue grass and country music that touches me. Alison Kraus, Sara Evans and Reba McEntire can still make me cry, and George Strait can make my spirit soar. It’s all good stuff! (sigh!)

2. I don’t enjoy dressing up. Maybe it was those 22 years of wearing skirts and dresses that took away the charm of it all for me. I wore a skirt to work once in the past 3 years, and everyone wanted to know what the scoop was. Are you trying to impress someone? Do you have a job interview or what? I won’t do THAT again! I’m a business casual girl. I like to be feminine, but delicate I am not. I just don’t do well in dressy clothing. Nothing fits right. I’m short and extra fluffy, and dresses were made for the tall and slim or the dainty and petite.

3. I’m not a lover of small talk or the art of conversation. Oh, I like to talk all right with my friends and family—just ask my sister! I talk plenty. But I’m not all that great at feigning an interest in something just to appease. For example, I’m not all that great with conversations on politics, fashion, sports, the news or cars. I mean, I’d be better off discussing the latest CSI episode, the weather, or funny movie lines. Hmmmm...

Now, I’m not worried abut having a good time this weekend. I always have a good time. I’m just hoping to keep my sarcasm under wraps, to contain my food on my plate rather than on my lap, and to muster up my real smile for the bulk of the evening. I want to be myself. ‘Cause if you aren’t your self, than who are ya?

Inside My Head Part Deux

I read my regular Friday morning email link up to the Singles page on Christianity Today, and it got to me today. Not so much about the whole M-word, although I was so glad that they touched on this all-too-taboo subject. Rather I was stirred with the reminder of turning my heart over to GOD more frequently and looking at it all in a different light. It's so hard to sometimes see outside your own world.

Feel free to check it out:
An Inside-Out Approach to Sexuality and the "M-word"

Inside My Head

I haven’t stopped thinking about Mr. Smell Good. Isn’t that weird? I know nothing about him—other than where he is employed and what he looks like, and yet I still can’t get him out of my head. I’m highly curious about him.

What is he really like?
What makes him laugh?
What does he feel deeply about?
Does he have a personal relationship with GOD?

I’m sure it’s just a temporary thing. It’s an adult crush, and eventually I’ll move past it and won’t think about him anymore. It’s just a matter of time…But right now, there is part of me that wonders about him often and wishes for the opportunity to know more.

Today I went on the Dayton Art Institute website and found a contact page with an email address listed for contacting someone in security. Do you know I seriously contemplated writing that person an email introducing myself and asking about Mr. Smell Good! I feel slightly pathetic.

Here I am 32 years old, and the most exciting thing to happen to me on the male-female perspective in over a year and a half is that I encountered a nice looking guy at an art museum. And here I am, dreaming about what it would be like to meet him. Now, I realize that this is probably not all really about Mr. Smell Good. It’s just the desire to have someone else in my life.

Hello, GOD! It’s me—Melanie. I’m 32, I’m a rather romantic and passionate single, and I’m dying to be loved! You gave me these desires as you gave them to others. Now what would you like me to do with them while you choose to leave them unfulfilled? I’m trying to be grateful for what I already have, LORD. I really am. But these desires are still here. I’ve asked you to take them away, and I’ve tried to give them back to you, but still they survive deep inside. What do you want of me, LORD?

Biting My Tongue

I’ve always known that my sister and I showed aspects of my Dad’s personality. We both have a rather dry sense of humor, and it’s rather obvious that we both love a good turn of a phrase. We like to use sarcasm and wit to make a point, and words are critical for both of us.

Recently, it has been brought to my attention that I’m getting bolder with my sarcasm. Until then, I hadn’t noticed how much like my Dad I had become, but being with my sister and our friend Lisa, who have both known me most of my life, they noted it and I started seeing it myself. Twice in the course of a weekend, I spoke my mind to total strangers.

The first time, we encountered 2 little barefoot boys rushing us at an elevator. They wanted to go down on the elevator to head to the swimming pool, and we were simply trying to get off the elevator on our floor. I stopped them with some remark and made them wait for us to get off. I wasn’t really mean to them. I just firmly told them to wait while we exited the elevator. And as we walked toward our room, we heard them snickering.

I love kids. I really do, but one of my pet peeves, if you will, is unattended children that have no manners and are just running around wild. Now in my defense, we saw a lot of this the whole weekend. There were several little league teams staying at our hotel, and it just amazed us how trusting their parents were being as they let the kids out on their own without adult supervision. But at the same time, where did I get the idea that I needed to address those 2 little boys as I did? In the past, I would have talked about how annoying they were later, but I wouldn’t have addressed the boys myself.

The next day, as we started into the Princess Diana exhibit, there were 2 women that were sort of stopped in the middle of the entry way. They were listening to their headsets and not really paying attention. Now since I had been there before, I knew where to go, but since neither of these women made a move so that we could get around them, I just started heading through the other entrance. Well, one of the women spoke up and said, “You enter through here, girls!” and pointed towards where she was. We turned and headed her way as she finally moved out of the way. And I made some comment to Lisa and Barbara about how “we would have gone that way in the first place if someone hadn’t been standing in the way.” Now, what I said was honest. She and her friend were standing in the entrance blocking the way, but did I really need to say that out loud? No. I should have just bit my tongue, but for some reason, I opted to be more abrupt than usual.

Now, I’ve run into ruder people than myself more often than I can recount. And the truth is that I was not all that mean, but was I really kind either? I don't think so. I was just thinking of myself and felt free to give out my opinion. Hmmmm…I think I’m going to have to work on this. Sometimes taking the high road means keeping my thoughts to myself!

Fun in Dayton AGAIN!!

Well, our Dayton weekend excursion was fabulous!

SATURDAY: We met Lisa at our hotel around 4:30 PM. I love staying at Drury Inns. The rooms are always comfortable. But it’s the extras that make this guest the most happy. They have happy hour from 5:30 to 7 PM every night with FREE cocktails and other beverages along with fresh popcorn and other snacks. So of course, we headed to happy hour soon after getting settled in our suite. And from there, we headed to O’Charley’s for dinner. It was great, and we had lots of laughs! Lisa and Barbara even had a sword fight at our table. (AHEM!) Our waitress was like the best ever! She put up with our giggles and odd requests. Hee hee!

Saturday evening, we just relaxed in our hotel room watching some TV and snacking even though we swore we’d never eat again after our big dinner! HA!

SUNDAY: We got ready for out big day and then headed down for the Drury Inn’s hot breakfast which really makes a person’s day start off great! We filled up on eggs and sausage, French toast and Belgian waffles, muffins and bagels and toast, etc. YUM! After breakfast, we packed our cars back up and headed downtown to the Dayton Art Institute.

We arrived at the museum and Barbara and Lisa headed into the gift shop while I got in the ticket line. No sighting of Mr. Smells Good at first, but a few minutes later I turned around in line and spotted him over talking to another security guard. Forgive me for my silly ramblings here, but I confess that my heart skipped a beat. I swear it really did.

I was desperate to get Barbara and Lisa’s attention, but I didn’t want to leave my place in line. Finally, I could sort of tell that Barbara had spotted him on her own. She was looking at me and trying to gesture behind me, and I was trying to agree and point his direction. I’m sure I was far from subtle. I motioned that he was behind me on the other side of the room, and I could tell that she had picked up on him and was trying to get Lisa’s attention. So there they were in the gift shop checking him out, and I watched as the clerks in the gift shop started talking to Barbara and Lisa. I wasn’t sure what was going on. So I got my ticket and then cruised on into the gift shop myself. Of course, we were all giggling at this point, and I was sure that I was turning 5 shades of pink and red. I could feel myself getting flushed, and I just needed to calm down.

To make things funnier, apparently as soon as Barbara realized that Mr. Smells Good was in the lobby, and that she has spotted the right guy, she blurted out, “He’s here.” So of course naturally this brought the attention of the clerks in the store, which is why she was talking to them. Barbara told the clerks that it was a long story, and the one clerk said that they didn’t have anything else to do and had time for a long story. But Barbara said she was going to have to ask permission before sharing the story because it wasn’t her story to tell. I didn’t really want my story shared, and so I was glad she said that. I was already feeling embarrassed enough at this point. It was time to head into the galleries.

The Princess Diana Exhibit was just as nice the 2nd time through. We didn’t have any run-ins with Mr. Smells Good in the exhibit. We toured through without incident and then went to the basement galleries to see the rest of the museum. They have some nice pieces from all over the world. We wandered all around the basement galleries – seeing all there was to see and getting slightly lost in the process. We found ourselves at a large staircase and decided to go back upstairs. We emerged into the grand hall just outside the Princess Diana Exhibit again, and guess who was there. Yep, Mr. Smells Good was there talking to a guard at the entrance. So we hung out there in the grand hall taking pictures of the columns, and then I decide to visit the cloisters at each end of the hall. So we walked his direction to get to the first cloister, and I was just bold enough to make eye contact with him and slip into the cloister and head outdoors to the Italian courtyard.

The Italian Courtyard was incredible. It’s also the only place in the museum that smoking is allowed, and so of course, Barbara and Lisa joked that now he’ll think I’m a smoker. But the truth is that I just wanted to see everything, and this outdoor courtyard was impressive with ornate columns, unique trees, a small fountain in the center, etc. I loved it all! I walked all the way around it and took plenty of pictures before we headed back indoors. By this point, he was no longer there. So we walked over to the other cloister, and from there we walked back into the great hall, and he was back again!! (sigh!)

At some point while we were in the great hall, one of the ladies working the exhibit offered to take our picture, and so we posed with the Princess Diana sign. And then I took some more pictures of the columns, etc. while Lisa played around with her camera, too and then oblivious-me realized what she was doing. She and my sister were trying to nonchalantly take HIS picture. [GASP!] Well, that was just too funny, and so I had to walk away before I died on the spot. So I headed into the verey small gallery at the end of the room. It was a 1-room collection of Grecian pieces—some marble busts, pottery, etc. So I checked it all out and then went out and rejoined Barbara and Lisa.

Well, they proceeded to tell me that they did get a picture of him. Of course it was his of back side since they got a shot of him walking away. Apparently, he had walked down to our end of the gallery and had entered the small room where I was for a minute and then had walked back down to the other end. Now, I never spotted him, but then I was intently looking over the Grecian pieces, but they had watched him the whole time. They weren’t sure where I had wandered off to, and that was how they knew where I was because they were watching him and had spotted me in the same room. I didn’t quite believe them at first, but that’s what they told me. I’m sure there was some legitimate reason for Mr. Smell Good to walk the hall and come into that gallery, but it made me slightly giddy to imagine something else. (BIG SIGH!)

After that we toured the rest of the European section without incident and then walked back through the gift shop and out to the car. My sister and Lisa reconfirmed the hotness of the man on our drive back to the hotel. Barbara said she couldn’t say too much because she was a married woman after all, but that he was pretty cute and so tall. (sigh!)

So, we had lunch at Panera Bread before Lisa headed back to Cincinnati, and Barbara and I headed home to Indiana. It had been a great weekend.

IN RETROSPECT: As I look back over those few short hours at the museum, I can’t help but laughing. We were all behaving like some silly school girls after all. Hopefully Mr. Smells Good was oblivious to our antics. At least I’d like to think he was.

I’m a bit embarrassed at how silly this whole crush is, but at the same time, it somehow makes me feel alive inside, too. I’m not dead. I might be 32, live alone and be obsessed with keeping my apartment spider free. To others, I might appear rather dull. I don’t get out as much as I used to. I don’t have people over all the time or need to entertain much. I’m content to stay home more often than not, and I do actually enjoy my solitude.

But at the same time, I know that I’m craving more. I’m hoping for that OTHER in my life. (Not necessarily Mr. Smells Good since I don’t know anything about him really!) But that one OTHER person I can share my life with. I want my own story about how we met, and where we went on our first date. I want to be greeted when I get home once in a while by someone who actually wants to hear how my weekend was and tells me that I was missed.

And while I may walk and talk the happy single life tightrope pretty well…there is still a part of me—that romantic dreamer side in me that aches for something more. And it’s at these times, where my heart cries out to GOD and reminds HIM (as though HE could have possibly forgotten) that one of HIS children is still wishing for something more. I remind HIM that I need to feel HIS presence and that I need to know that as HE promised I am never really alone.

HE doesn’t take the desire of the OTHER away. I’ve tried to pray that away and still it lives on. But somehow as my CREATOR and my FATHER, HE does find ever-creative ways to remind me that HE loves me. I just have to open up my eyes and look at the world all around me. Evidence of HIS love is all around me. I just have to be willing to see it…