Last year for the first time in my 30 years, I spent Christmas on my own alone—yep, just me and my plants hanging out. I talked to my family on the phone for a few minutes, watched a couple of favorite movies and ate one of my favorite foods—fried chicken! It was a great day! I had no stress, no worries. I had peace and quiet and amused myself. It was all good to me.
But to some of my family and friends, my independence and decision to stay home alone on Christmas Day spelled trouble:
Is she depressed?
Is she suicidal?
Was this really just a desperate cry for help?
Did someone need to intervene?
[Nope. None of the above.]
Then there were the other questions:
Is she secretly dating someone?
Is there a guy staying at her place?
[Alas, no, but don't I wish…]
Somehow by choosing to remain on my own on Christmas Day, I scared people. They seemed to think that something had to be wrong because I chose solitude.
Ah, but nothing was wrong. I wasn’t going crazy or losing my edge. I wasn’t cutting myself with a knife or sobbing hysterically. There was no crime or heinous act being committed. I was simply enjoying the day on my own. [GASP!]
Since becoming an adult, I’ve been like a window shopper at Christmas. I’m peering through the glass at others’ celebrations, but I’m not an active participant myself. I’ve spent past Christmases watching my nieces and nephews open gifts, and it’s been marvelous to watch their eyes light up with sheer delight at what was inside each package. I’ve hung out with other friends for a large family style dinner, and I’ve felt blessed to be right where I was at that time. But while everyone always does their best to make me feel welcome at their holiday celebrations, I always feel like something is missing. IT IS. I’m the one who’s missing. I’m not celebrating. I’m observing.
I want to have my own Christmas traditions—special moments that entirely belong to me (and maybe my family of 10 houseplants). I can’t help but wish for something more personal that belongs to me—for my own way of celebrating the day that the Savior of the world was born! I don’t feel that the holiday is any less simply because I spend it on my own.
And this Christmas, I’m feeling more of the same. I’ve spent days and weeks leading up to the holidays with lots of friends and family. We’ve watched Christmas movies together, we’ve spent a day baking Christmas cookies, we’ve had gift exchanges and attended holiday parties, and we’ve shopped till we’ve dropped. So now, I’m ready to celebrate…on my own!
This holiday season, for the first time, I’m planning to attend one of the Christmas Eve services at my church. I’ve heard that it’s a very special service, and I’m looking forward to it with great anticipation. So I’ve got my own plans on Christmas Eve now.
And after that? I don’t know yet. I haven’t made any definite plans. I’m sure I’ll make the trip North to spend time with my sister and her family. I wouldn’t miss that for the world. And closer to the New Year, my parents and 4 siblings and their families will all get together and exchange gifts and have a meal together at my brother’s house. It will be a fun-filled, busy day of gifts, games and food. Highly enjoyable!
Yes, I’m looking forward to celebrating Christmas this year. Alone or with family and friends, I won’t be lonely! It will all be good...
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