I'm grateful but...

I'm aching for something else.

I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to feel. I want to be doing--something, anything. But I seem to be simply existing, nothing more. Nothing excites me, nothing shakes me, nothing moves me. I try to cry but there's no sense of relief. I laugh but it just seems to be a hollow echo inside an empty shell. Nothing reaches my core anymore.

I'm blessed, and I know it. I've got a caring family that respects my privacy and gives me quite a bit of personal space. I've got a loving family of friends that regularly seek me out and keep in touch. I'm not tied down. The opportunities are endless really and yet amidst the deafening roar of possibilities, I'm numb...completely still. I've lost something, and I can't remember what it is...and so I go in search--in search of hope.

I tell myself that we're just not made to be complete in ourselves, but then some days it's when I'm surrounded by people that I'm more lonely than ever. I'm staying involved, I'm not reclusing, I'm doing the work--honest, but for some reason, I'm more aware of my true state when I'm with friends. Funny how that works! Alone on my island, I'm at peace. Amidst the happy mob, I'm ready to bolt.

I found myself in such a position at a recent wedding reception. I was surrounded by loving friendly faces and by people with a genuine interest in me. When I should have felt my most confident, I wanted to run away. I caught myself accepting others' joys as my own, embracing another's dream and reveling in their happiness rather than holding dearly onto mine. It was as if I didn't have any dreams, didn't have any aspirations or treasured confidences of my own. The opposite is true.

And yet I feel that my hope has been dimming with each passing year...What once was a bastion of hope and dreams--a lighthouse amidst the sea of doubt--has been reduced to a flickering candle. A candle that has it bright moments from time to time but is tending to wane more and more daily. Each day a bit duller than the day before.

But there is life in me yet. I'm not content to just exist. I know I have joy in me. It's buried deep but it's there, and for now HE keeps me going. Each day with its own merits! Hope is still there. It's just not part of a fairy tale any more...