Can't go back...

I know we can’t go back and have a re-do of our lives or of the relationships we’ve built and destroyed along the way, but there are times I wish for the opportunity to do just that…

I wish I had taken the time to tell more people what I really thought of them. And we’re talking good stuff here. I mean there have been moments where I’ve wished I had taken the opportunity to ZING someone with a quick retort, but those aren’t the moments I think back on with regret…

I worked for 2 college summers with this guy named Clay. He was a tough guy, a brute to most people, and OH my word, he was sarcastic! We rarely had a sarcasm-free conversation or talked without him cutting me down to size, but I knew that there was more to him. Several times, I saw his gentleness, his compassion for those less fortunate and his strong character. And I wish that just once I had told him that I admired him just as he was. I wish that I had tried to pierce that armor and those walls he had built up around him and had told him that I knew the truth—he had a heart of gold.

I often wonder what became of Clay and where he is today…I wish him well and hope he has found happiness and peace, and I hope he hasn’t completely lost that sarcastic edge either. I found it rather amusing!

I wish I had given and openly received more hugs and kisses and taken help when it was offered. I was never big on affection until the last few years and even then it’s just taken some huggy people to get me to come around. And when it comes to allowing people to help me or accepting their kindness, it’s really been hard for me to accept it.

My Mom says that even as a baby, I wasn’t much of a cuddler. No gentle rocking for this baby! I simply wanted to be placed in my crib and left alone to get to sleep. I think back on my childhood, and especially my teen years, with more than a twinge of sadness because I didn’t like hugs or kisses. I’d tolerate them from grandparents and the older people in my church, but I would push my Mom away when she would try to hug or kiss me.

If I ever got hurt, I’d push people away when they would try to assist me. I wanted to get up on my own two feet and not let anyone see me weak. I’d turn nasty and send people running away with a glare or a hasty “Leave me alone.” I didn’t accept the kindness of others, and I’m not sure why. I’m guessing it was just pure stubbornness.

My nieces and nephews get lots of affection from their Aunt Mel now. And I like getting together with girlfriends and getting hugs all around—in fact sometimes I actually initiate hugs now, which is huge if you knew me from 5, 10 or 15 years ago. I think all of us do need affection more than we realize. I’m also still trying to work through the whole accepting of kindness thing. It’s difficult for me. I tend to initially balk at compliments or completely disregard them, and I’m learning to see how rude and hurtful that actually is.

We can’t correct the past or erase past wrongs, and sometimes we don’t get that second chance to tell someone what we really feel either. But we can take advantage of the here and now and change the moment we’re in. I can tell those near and dear to my heart right NOW how much I appreciate them. I can give free hugs and kisses all around to my family and friends. In the days ahead, I hope to live with an appreciation for the blessings I have been given and a heart of gratefulness for where I am…