There are moments and I confess more than a few when there seems to be an incessant clock methodically counting off the minutes in my head and reminding me that time is getting short. Yes, my biological clock is alive and well and getting louder and louder with each passing year. And sometimes I'm not quite sure what to do about it...
I like children. I’ve been around kids most of my life. My Mom had a day care in our home from my entry into kindergarten through my 4 years in college, and so there were children in our home all year round. There was never a shortage of younger children to play with and entertain, and so my sister and I were always active—playing games, coloring, taking walks, enjoying the park. It wasn’t a bad set up really. OH! we had our whining moments about having to give up our own rooms during afternoon naptime or struggling to find a quiet retreat away from the “little kids” who clamored for our attention, but looking back now, it was rather fun! Never a dull moment in our home, that’s for sure.
Because of all that daily experience with tiny babies through 8 year olds, I started babysitting on my own at 11. I loved it. For me it was hours of pretending to be a grown up. Not only did I get to play with the children, but I got to cook dinner on my own and get the kids ready for bed. I’d get them all snuggled in for the night—getting them their final glass of water or reading countless books to them. And once they were all asleep, I’d start cleaning up the kitchen. I’d do the dishes and tidy up the house. I guess I enjoyed just being a “Mom” for a few hours and dreaming of the day when I too would have a home and a family of my own to care for.
I became an aunt when I was almost 16. I was delighted to hold this dear sweet little creature in my arms and realize that I was her “aunt.” It was very exciting. And when I graduated from high school 6 months early, I went to live with my brother and his family for 2 months as a nanny. I took care of my young niece as she underwent a rigorous medical procedure. I’ve become an aunt 7 more times since then, and it’s one of my greatest pleasures to be “Aunt Mel.”
In college, I had some interaction with children on the campus, but I really seemed to find my niche working at a weekend and summer camp for children and adults with special needs. Being a cabin counselor afforded me that opportunity of being a “Mom” for a week—getting my girls to breakfast on time, tidying the cabin, entertaining and interacting with the campers, etc. I was back in my element.
After college, I tried to find a job that would utilize my writing degree, and instead, I found myself working in a day care as an infant care supervisor [glossy title for a job of changing diapers, making bottles, etc.] It took its toll on me quickly. It was hard to get good helpers, and I ended up caring for the 8 babies on my own, which proved to be too much for me. After 16 months, I found a more suitable professional position and took a break from direct involvement with child care.
I plugged into my career and my future. At first I think I assumed that all of my interest in becoming a Mother had departed and that maybe those long months in the nursery had changed me for good. But after a few months, I found myself again wishing for a family of my own.
And today, 8 years later, I still do. The dream is still there inside of me. I wrestle with the desire to be a Mother and a wife. I chat with GOD about it often. I know WHO created me and gave me this motherly instinct and this drive to have a family of my own. HE gave me this desire, and I struggle with the fact that I’m not able to fulfill this GOD-given desire as I’d like.
However, I have found that I can use my gifts in other ways…I try to be a good aunt to my 3 nephews and 5 nieces. When I’m with them, I take great delight in spending time with them and hopefully helping to mold them into the loving and strong persons I’d like to see them be. And while, I would love for my nieces and nephews to have another uncle and have a family of my own, I find that it’s still good here. Those that can’t be Mothers can still use their gifts, their “twinkles” if you will, for the power of good. When I spend time with friends and family, I still find myself drawn to the children in the room. I want to hold the babies or chase after the toddlers; I want to play games with the kids or find out what’s new in their lives.
I’m 31, and I don’t know what the future will bring. Sometimes I wonder will the ticking stop when the possibility of motherhood ends? Maybe at 40 or 45? What will I hear in my head then? Hmmmm…
So while I don’t know exactly what’s in store for me in the days ahead, I do know that my Heavenly FATHER has it under control!! For now, my family is what I make it. I’m blessed with a wonderful sister and brother-in-law that include me as part of their own family even on vacations and family outings. I have several fabulous female friends that are my “sisters”—we talk, laugh, cry and travel together! And there are numerous other people that I could include in my growing “family,” and so most days, I consider myself blessed. Life is seldom the way we’ve imagined it, and while reality is not always better than our dreams, it is an incredible adventure…
No comments:
Post a Comment