Clarifying my Thoughts...

I thought I should clarify something after re-reading my last post…Just because I am struggling with my single status, does not mean that I am depressed. I’m far from it. I’m simply attempting to “keep it real” with GOD and others. Like the Psalmist in the Bible, I sometimes need to just get things out of my system and own up to where I am and what I am feeling. So that is what I do.

Most of the time, I’m quite content in my life. I imagine that some people would find my life rather dull, but that doesn’t matter to me. I love being me! I love being the crazy Aunt. I love traveling and planning events with friends and family. I love taking pictures and obsessing about them. I love making cards and scrapbooking. And quite frankly, most of the time I am quite content with the fact that I have lots of time to do those things I enjoy so very much. And what affords me such luxuries? The fact that I don’t have another someone clamoring for my attention and competing for my time! It’s a nice freedom to have, and I enjoy it about 90% of the time.

And yes, sometimes that other 10% haunts me. It’s those uncomfortable moments in my life as a singleton—moments where I long for more just like happily married couples long for more in their lives, too. I’m human, and I’m not always satisfied, and so I struggle with it—sometimes in anger and bitterness, sometimes in tears and rants with GOD, and sometimes in silence and withdrawal.

But for the most part, my moments of discomfort are just that—moments! They pass, and soon I’m back to my self again. These moments don’t make me a depressive or psychotic person. They make me human. After years of thinking that wanting more was a bad thing, I’ve come to terms with it. I think it’s just a reality that we all face.

Some of us don’t own up to it and feign perfect bliss. We attempt to fool ourselves into thinking that we are the last content being on this earth. Others of us tend to let that 10% dominate the other 90% as we wallow in our discontent. I’ve tried both paths and neither is healthy. I think the key is finding balance, which is easier said than done. I don’t have the answer or the 5 steps to get you there. I’ve had the balance in my life before, but I couldn’t tell you specifically how I got there. What I do know is—that it’s always best to start being honest—especially with yourself! Honesty is a good place to start.

The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t always visible—you might lose sight of it or barely catch a glimpse of it on the path ahead. But it’s still there. It’s still just ahead of you. Grab onto a friend’s hand and don’t let go…you’ll reclaim joy yet!

Facing Bitterness...

Over the past year to a year and a half, I’ve been noting a rise in bitterness in me—mostly involving my encounters with happy couples in my church. I see them cuddling in church, kissing each other’s necks, the guy caressing his girlfriend’s back, or the girl massaging her husband’s arm or running her fingers through his hair. Trust me—nothing is more distracting to a 30-something, completely eligible singleton than having to watch PDA in church.

I’m there at church because my Bible tells me that I need the fellowship of other believers. I’d much rather stay at home on my own and spend time on my own with GOD, but I know that I need to be there, and so I embark on this journey. I’m there to fellowship and hear from the Word of GOD. But somehow the message is being lost in the wave of distractions all around me. I find it lonelier than being at home on my own. It’s like being the only non-paired off animal on the ark. I am the missing link. I don’t have a spouse, a significant other, or even the hint of a possible other interested party.

So I hook up with my other single girlfriends, and together we face the mass of family and coupledom in a herd, and sometimes this helps. But it’s not a failsafe plan either, sometimes being in a group of people feeling the same thing, can be less constructive than you would think.

Well, I decided to be grown up about this. It was time to face it head on, and so I joined up with a small group at my church. It was sort of a “face your fears” type of scenario. In order to conquer this bitterness, I needed to deal with it straight away. I thought: Nothing will defeat this like just getting to know these happy couples. Get to know them, and maybe you won’t dislike them. You know—see them in a different light, etc.

Like I suspected, I was one of only 2 singles the first week. (And by single, I mean that we weren’t paired off or there with a significant other or prospective significant other.) There were several married couples, 2 engaged couples, and a couple of dating couples. Every one was wonderful. People were kind and considerate. The other women in the group were for the most part very warm and friendly. I started to think that I could do this. All was going well, but then I started for home, and the tears came bubbling over.

Lord, how much longer is this going to go on? I’m putting myself in this torturous position because I’m trying to conquer this bitterness—this overly cynical tone that is worsening every year. I’m facing it, Lord, but it’s really painful. HELP—please!?!

My 2nd attempt to attend a couple of weeks later, involved me driving all the way to the house where we were meeting for Bible study and doing a complete drive-by as I headed right back home. I just couldn’t do it.

The 3rd week, I arrived early and was determined to enjoy myself. Everything was going well. I was mingling. I was chatting up a storm even after the other fellow single arrived with girlfriend in tow, and the 3rd single person I had heard about (but had never met) also arrived with his new girlfriend. Lord, I’m going to keep on smiling here, but I need You right here with me please! I'm feeling more than a bit out of place now.

The Bible study went well, and dinner afterwards was going great. Then we started talking about how people had hooked up. One couple at my table got engaged right before Christmas, and I loved their story. I was truly happy for them, but inside the lingering questions that are always there in my discussions with GOD made a reappearance…When is it going to be my turn? Am I going to have my own engagement story to tell some day?

Another couple at our table had just been dating for a month, but you know how you meet a couple, and you just know that they are headed for the altar, that’s what it was like seeing them interact. Again, I was happy that they had found each other. What a great story! But again, the questions resurfaced…Why can’t I have just a fraction of that, Lord? Why are you holding back from me? I’m feeling like I’m about to drown here—help!!

I could feel my strength waning. The tears were there. One more happy story of complete bliss, and I was going to lose it. So I quietly exited the room and started gathering my stuff together. I said my goodbyes and walked to my car. The drive home was quiet for a bit, as I bit my lip and tried to hold the tears back. It’s not fun driving on country roads in the middle of winter, when your vision is blurry from your tears. But I couldn’t keep them in forever, and down they came again.

Lord, I feel like a broken record player—recounting again and again this same thing! I’ve asked you to take this desire away if You’re not going to fill it. But still it remains. How much longer, Lord? I’m nearly 32. I can’t do another 30 years on my own like this, Lord! I’m not that strong. You’ve got to take this away…I’m trying to change, Lord, but I can’t do this on my own! Help!

I made it home and washed my face and got ready for bed. But I wasn’t done ranting and raving, and I ended up crying myself to sleep. It wasn’t one of my best moments, I confess. I woke up this morning feeling a bit like Jacob did when he wrestled with GOD.

As my dear friend Kristen always says: Bitterness is never beautiful! She’s right. I know how to avoid it completely, but it’s unhealthy to act in that manner. Retreating to my island of self-dependence and solitude keeps me from bitterness, and I’m most comfortable there, but I also miss out on living my life to the fullest. It’s not my best option.

However, I’m not completely sure, that what I am doing now is really helping either. Immersing myself in the happy couple world might not exactly be what I need to do. Maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew? Maybe the cure is worse than the disease? I’ve got 2 weeks to decide my course of action, since my small group doesn’t meet again until then, and so I’ve got the time to pray and really decide what would be the best thing to do. Hmmmmm...

Stay tuned…

Marriage at ANY cost?? NAH! I don't think so...

One of my co-workers is HIGHLY intrigued by my single lifestyle. He’s the one that is always asking me if I’ve partied with Bono all weekend again or if I’ve heard from Brad (Pitt) lately. YEAH RIGHT!!! It makes me laugh.

[Truthfully, neither Bono or Brad float my boat, and come on the chances of my mingling in either of their lives…well, those odds just aren’t in my favor, now are they?!?! But it’s all rather comical to talk about in jest.]

Well, this past Thanksgiving, he invited me to join him and his family for their Thanksgiving dinner. Why did he invite me? So that he could arrange to introduce me to a friend of his who was visiting over the holiday. At first, it seemed intriguing. This particular friend sounded like a good guy. For weeks before the holiday, I heard about him, and this guy appeared to have it all—a strong faith, a brilliant mind, a successful career, good looks, a couple of comfortable homes, lots of financial independence and security, the means to travel, and a wife...Yes, you read that correctly. There’s a wife involved. A WIFE??? Yes, it was true. My co-worker was trying to set me up with a married man.

And what was his justification for that, you might ask? After all, my co-worker has been happily married to the same woman for over 20 years. I know he believes in the sanctity of marriage, and so naturally, it didn’t make sense to me.

"Well," says he in response to the look of horror on my face, "my friend is really unhappy in his marriage, Mel. He just needs the right woman to come along and push him to that breaking point."

I gasped. I was speechless! Did he seriously think that I would want to be the other woman? Apparently, this man's wife left him but hasn’t divorced him. They’ve been living apart for a couple of years now, and he hasn’t taken the final steps to divorce her. Instead, he's been trying to reconcile with his wife. And now my co-worker wanted to bring me into the picture so that I would somehow prompt this man to divorce his wife. I was blown away!

I’m not saying that I think divorce is always wrong here. In fact, I’m not quite sure where I stand on the issue. I don't know all the facts in this case, and so I wouldn't even consider advising this man on what he should do. He has to make his own decisions. As for me, the facts were clear. A married man is just that--he’s married! And until he is otherwise, he is off limits--despite other circumstances. I’m not crossing or blurring any lines just because I want a husband of my own.

I opted to spend Thanksgiving with my own family, but I confess that the whole conversation has stuck with me. I’ve replayed it over and over in my mind. As a single woman, I place a very high value on marriage. Sometimes I think I have marriage up on a pedestal above all else, which it shouldn’t be. Yes, it’s vital, but it’s not the end all. It’s not the only relationship I should be seeking, but since I don’t have it yet, it’s a sort of magical union—-a mystifying joint venture that I think about all too often. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone else to share my life with—to confide in, to go places with, to love, etc.? It’s only natural to have these desires. After all, my CREATOR gave them to me, and HE placed a great value on the importance of the marriage relationship, too. So, it is important, but maybe I dwell on it too much?

Looking back now, I can see that this situation has made me do some soul searching and has gotten me to ponder exactly how far I’m willing to go. Yes, I want to be married. I do. And even though I have these hopes and dreams to have a husband of my own one day, I don’t want it at ANY cost! As tempting as it might be, I don’t want to be the means of ruining one relationship just to secure my own happiness. I can do better than that or maybe I’m meant to stay single. Either way, there’s a line in the sand there…and I dare not cross it.

Desperately Needing More Sleep...

I’m feeling really tired lately. Don’t quite know why, but I am. I leave work each night just exhausted. Things have been busy this month, and so that’s the only thing I can account for regarding this change, but I’ve been going to bed about 10 every night, and some nights I've been making myself stay up THAT long. That’s completely unlike me. I’m a night owl. The type that normally struggles with making herself crawl into bed at 11 or 11:30 on a week night. Sure, I usually suffer for it the next morning, but my body gets used to the lack of sleep eventually, and then on weekends I make up for it by sleeping in!

But with this new system, I’ve been getting about 7-8 hours of sleep every night, and this has been going on for about 2 weeks now. I’m starting to wonder if my new medication is affecting me. I guess it can cause drowsiness, but I take it right before I go to bed, and so unless it has a major 18-20 hour delay in affect, I can’t quite point a finger to it yet.

Maybe my body has finally purged the last drop of caffeine from my system, and so now I’m lagging. HA! I mean I have been off of the caffeine now for nearly 3 months. But I don’t feel less energetic necessarily. I’ve been getting ready in record time and getting to work early, too. And I haven’t really started to slow down at all. I just find myself ready for bed earlier.

Well, today a new thought crossed my mind...I’m starting to wonder if this means that I’m officially all grown up now? Does that mean that I will no longer have any fun? Am I soon going to be the type of person that starts to shut down now around 8 PM? I’m concerned...

Stay tuned for further developments!

Not at All What I had Planned...It was better!

Christmas and the whole holiday season this year wasn’t exactly what I had planned. I had wanted to attend the Christmas Eve service at my church and then spend Christmas day on my own. I was looking forward to some quiet solitude, but that just didn’t happen. I ended up spending Christmas Eve with my sister and her family. They live an hour from me, and so I drove up there and spent a couple of days with them. We opened gifts, took a drive through the lighted parks, and had a lively time. And on Christmas Day, I went to church with some of my family and then spent the day at my brother’s home. It was good.

My parents came to Indiana after New Year’s for a few days. My sister brought them along with her kids and 2 of my other nieces and nephews with her to visit me at work. We all went to lunch, and then I took them around the office introducing them and thrilling Jacob with my “building.” It was fun.

And then later that week, more of my extended family got together for my Grandma’s surprise 90th birthday party. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect or who all would come, but it turned out to be a wonderful day! My Grandma was surprised, and our whole family got a shock as well by the arrival of my Grandma’s only living sister, Carol Jean. She walked in and gave us all a start! There were happy tears all around the room. The whole day was incredible, and I know it meant a great deal to my Grandma. It was spectacular.

The next day, the newest member of our family, baby Grace, was having her baby dedication, and most of those gathered for my Grandma’s party made the drive to Peru for the occasion. The dedication was a special moment for all of us as we watched Barbara and Jonathan present their new baby to GOD and ask for his help and strength in raising up this tiny creature for HIS service. After the service, everyone came to my brother’s house for a large family meal. I got to visit with my Aunt and Uncle and 2 of my younger cousins that I haven’t seen in more than 10 years. And there was never a dull moment around the table and in the family room as we all chatted and took pictures. Several times, it was like the paparazzi around the red carpet as several of us took snapshots all at once. The whole experience was reminiscent of old family get-togethers from years gone by. It was all a delight.

Later that day, I left and made the drive back to Indianapolis and entered my small empty 1-bedroom apartment with a big sigh. I had planned on more solitude, on getting more cards made, more scrapbooking done; but it just hadn’t happened that way. In fact, my vacation and extended holiday season was not at all what I had planned…it was better.