Over the past year to a year and a half, I’ve been noting a rise in bitterness in me—mostly involving my encounters with happy couples in my church. I see them cuddling in church, kissing each other’s necks, the guy caressing his girlfriend’s back, or the girl massaging her husband’s arm or running her fingers through his hair. Trust me—nothing is more distracting to a 30-something, completely eligible singleton than having to watch PDA in church.
I’m there at church because my Bible tells me that I need the fellowship of other believers. I’d much rather stay at home on my own and spend time on my own with GOD, but I know that I need to be there, and so I embark on this journey. I’m there to fellowship and hear from the Word of GOD. But somehow the message is being lost in the wave of distractions all around me. I find it lonelier than being at home on my own. It’s like being the only non-paired off animal on the ark. I am the missing link. I don’t have a spouse, a significant other, or even the hint of a possible other interested party.
So I hook up with my other single girlfriends, and together we face the mass of family and coupledom in a herd, and sometimes this helps. But it’s not a failsafe plan either, sometimes being in a group of people feeling the same thing, can be less constructive than you would think.
Well, I decided to be grown up about this. It was time to face it head on, and so I joined up with a small group at my church. It was sort of a “face your fears” type of scenario. In order to conquer this bitterness, I needed to deal with it straight away. I thought: Nothing will defeat this like just getting to know these happy couples. Get to know them, and maybe you won’t dislike them. You know—see them in a different light, etc.
Like I suspected, I was one of only 2 singles the first week. (And by single, I mean that we weren’t paired off or there with a significant other or prospective significant other.) There were several married couples, 2 engaged couples, and a couple of dating couples. Every one was wonderful. People were kind and considerate. The other women in the group were for the most part very warm and friendly. I started to think that I could do this. All was going well, but then I started for home, and the tears came bubbling over.
Lord, how much longer is this going to go on? I’m putting myself in this torturous position because I’m trying to conquer this bitterness—this overly cynical tone that is worsening every year. I’m facing it, Lord, but it’s really painful. HELP—please!?!
My 2nd attempt to attend a couple of weeks later, involved me driving all the way to the house where we were meeting for Bible study and doing a complete drive-by as I headed right back home. I just couldn’t do it.
The 3rd week, I arrived early and was determined to enjoy myself. Everything was going well. I was mingling. I was chatting up a storm even after the other fellow single arrived with girlfriend in tow, and the 3rd single person I had heard about (but had never met) also arrived with his new girlfriend. Lord, I’m going to keep on smiling here, but I need You right here with me please! I'm feeling more than a bit out of place now.
The Bible study went well, and dinner afterwards was going great. Then we started talking about how people had hooked up. One couple at my table got engaged right before Christmas, and I loved their story. I was truly happy for them, but inside the lingering questions that are always there in my discussions with GOD made a reappearance…When is it going to be my turn? Am I going to have my own engagement story to tell some day?
Another couple at our table had just been dating for a month, but you know how you meet a couple, and you just know that they are headed for the altar, that’s what it was like seeing them interact. Again, I was happy that they had found each other. What a great story! But again, the questions resurfaced…Why can’t I have just a fraction of that, Lord? Why are you holding back from me? I’m feeling like I’m about to drown here—help!!
I could feel my strength waning. The tears were there. One more happy story of complete bliss, and I was going to lose it. So I quietly exited the room and started gathering my stuff together. I said my goodbyes and walked to my car. The drive home was quiet for a bit, as I bit my lip and tried to hold the tears back. It’s not fun driving on country roads in the middle of winter, when your vision is blurry from your tears. But I couldn’t keep them in forever, and down they came again.
Lord, I feel like a broken record player—recounting again and again this same thing! I’ve asked you to take this desire away if You’re not going to fill it. But still it remains. How much longer, Lord? I’m nearly 32. I can’t do another 30 years on my own like this, Lord! I’m not that strong. You’ve got to take this away…I’m trying to change, Lord, but I can’t do this on my own! Help!
I made it home and washed my face and got ready for bed. But I wasn’t done ranting and raving, and I ended up crying myself to sleep. It wasn’t one of my best moments, I confess. I woke up this morning feeling a bit like Jacob did when he wrestled with GOD.
As my dear friend Kristen always says: Bitterness is never beautiful! She’s right. I know how to avoid it completely, but it’s unhealthy to act in that manner. Retreating to my island of self-dependence and solitude keeps me from bitterness, and I’m most comfortable there, but I also miss out on living my life to the fullest. It’s not my best option.
However, I’m not completely sure, that what I am doing now is really helping either. Immersing myself in the happy couple world might not exactly be what I need to do. Maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew? Maybe the cure is worse than the disease? I’ve got 2 weeks to decide my course of action, since my small group doesn’t meet again until then, and so I’ve got the time to pray and really decide what would be the best thing to do. Hmmmmm...
Stay tuned…
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