Vertically Challenged

On my drive to and from Michigan, I kept seeing the billboards for the child safety seat law about how children under 4'9" need to be in a booster seat while riding in a car. For some reason that bugged me.

You all know that I'm short. Let's face it. I am, and I've always been so. At my tallest, I was 5 feet and half an inch. Growing up, my goal was always to get taller than my Mom, who was 5 foot 2 1/2 inches, but I never made it that far no matter what I did. I tried stretching, running, riding my bike, but to no avail, I was left vertically challenged. I'm the shortest one in my immediate family, and my nieces and nephews are quickly passing me up. There are even wagers going for when the youngest among them [Jacob (6), Grace (3) and Harrison (11 months)] will pass me. I know, it's completely painful to discover your family is betting against you, right. It's devastating really. It's just my burden to bear, I guess. [sigh!] Hee hee!

So now I see all these billboard signs around Indiana and Michigan about children needing to be in booster seats until they are 4'9", and it gets me pondering. At my last doctor appointment, my doctor informed me that I was just a hair over 5 feet tall now. YIKES! WHAT? I've already lost nearly half an inch since college. What happens if I lose a couple more inches? Am I destined to be in a booster seat by the time I reach 40? Can you drive in one of those? Don't laugh. Can you?

I already know I'm doomed to be that little old lady driver someday. You know who I'm talking about--the one that can barely see over the steering wheel...like the woman in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. That's gonna be me in a few years, and hey, maybe a booster seat would help the situation, but I'm just not looking forward to it. It seems insulting to have to sit in a booster seat at my age. I mean I'm already tempted to use one of those boosters at the theatre to prop my short self up just in case. I mean, what if some super model sits right in front of me? How will I get to see the performance? It's a real struggle.

Many of you probably don't realize what it's like for short people. The world is being built for the super-sized, and it's discrimination against those less fortunate with height. Kitchen cabinets are blatantly constructed for the taller humans among us. And what about the aisle shelves at Walmart? You don't know the lengths I've gone through to get a can of beans from the top shelf. You just might see me sliding a spatula out of my purse for just such a purpose. And why is it that the diet pop is always on the top row? What you think that only tall people are watching their figures? That's just insulting. And don't even get me started on cars...sometimes I can barely reach the pedals in a rental car. That just hurts.

And let's not forget Randy Newman's controversial Short People from 1977. I tear up just thinking about it.

Short people got no reason
Short people got no reason
Short people got no reason
To live

They got little hands
And little eyes
And they walk around
Tellin' great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet...

Short people got nobody
Short people got nobody
Short people got nobody
To love

They got little baby legs
And they stand so low
You got to pick 'em up
Just to say hello
They got little cars
That go beep, beep, beep
They got little voices
Goin' peep, peep, peep
They got grubby little fingers
And dirty little minds
They're gonna get you every time
Well, I don't want no short people
Don't want no short people
Don't want no short people
'Round here

What did short people ever do to him? On behalf of my fellow vertically challenged citizens, I am outraged. I'm ready to compose a song right now in protest about the giants among us. NAH! I'm kidding. I love that song, and it makes me laugh every time. Besides, Randy has more than redeemed himself by brilliantly scoring Toy Story and numerous others, for which I thank him.

All right, so I'm short. There. I've said it more than once now. My therapist would be proud. Let me say it again...I'm short. It's a fact. It is what it is. OK, so the world around me is always reminding me that I've got height issues. Big deal! I'm only rarely offended by short jokes these days, and if I am...well, you better just watch out. You might find me biting your ankles.