These people just seem to have found the elusive Willy Wonka golden ticket through life. Their life seems easy by comparison. If they have financial struggles, a family member bails them out of debt. If they want 3 kids, a dashing husband and a 2.5 car garage, they get it in no time flat. If they want the latest gadget, they soon are showing it off to everyone they meet. If they are seeking an answer to prayer, GOD just seems to wrap it all up in a neat and tidy bow for them. To sum it up, these people just don’t seem to hear the word NO enough and THAT just irks me. It doesn't seem right.
Now ordinarily, I wouldn’t consider myself a jealous or envious person by nature. I like sharing in others’ joy along with them most of the time, and I certainly try not to make a habit of wishing ill on people in general. But for some reason, these golden ticket people seem to have it all, and that really gets under my skin and frustrates me. Over the last couple of months GOD has brought several of these people into my life with a certain amount of frequency. It has irritated me to no end. I would head home after meeting up with one of these people, mumbling to myself the whole drive home about how easy they had it.
It’s just not fair, LORD, I’d whine. I’m over here working my tail off and barely scraping by. Why do they just seem to always catch the elevator to the top, and they don’t have my work ethic? Where is the justice in that?
This has been going on for weeks in my head. I’d pray about it, confess my sins, but a couple of days later, I’d have another encounter with a charmed one, and I’d be right back in that envious mindset again. If I had just a little bit of what they had, LORD, I’d be utterly happy. Why can’t things be more fair and even?
Well, you know how GOD just doesn't let go sometimes. How he tends to keep things fresh in our heads and basically hammer things in until we get it. I’d like time to heal from the last incident, but sometimes, HE knows I still don’t have it down yet, and so he reopens that wound to keep me pondering and seeking HIM, which is exactly what HE did here.
Earlier this week in a fit of rage, I called him on the carpet again about this very thing--more of the same ranting and raving about the disparity between me and someone else. I was frustrated, angry and hurt. Why can’t someone have my back like that, LORD? It’s completely unfair.
In a rage, I said, LORD, I just want people to get what they deserve. And instantly I wanted to take those words back. I audibly gasped. Get what we deserve? Do I really want that? I deserve eternal damnation in Hell. We all do. I deserve to carry the weight and shame of my own sin, and yet ANOTHER ONE carries it for me. In fact, HE gave HIS life to atone for my sins. I deserve nothing, and yet HE has given me everything. Soon the tears were running down my cheeks, and things were quite clear to me. No, I didn’t really want people to get what they deserved. I just wanted more for myself. I didn’t want someone else to have it, I wanted it. And I was holding envy in my heart and feeling bitterness toward GOD because I felt HE was holding out on me.
Psalm 84:11 “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”Forgive me for my bitter and envious spirit, FATHER. I don’t deserve You. You have already done far more for me than I deserve, and there is nothing I can do to earn Your grace and Your love. Tattoo that thought on my heart and mind, LORD. Don’t let me forget to WHOM I owe my life, my breath, my everything. And thank YOU for NOT giving me exactly what I deserve!
I had a long night ahead of me, but I wasn’t alone. I had THE ONE I needed right alongside me--guiding me, peeling back the layers of selfishness, conceit and pride. There is still a lot of work to be done, but HE isn’t finished with me yet, and for that I am ever grateful.
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