I always feel I need to be doing something or pursuing some other project or purpose to give meaning to my life. I realize that it is not necessarily a bad push, per se. I think motivation can be a good thing. Believe me, I’ve been a bump on a log for periods of my life, and I may or may not have wallowed a time or two. I certainly don’t want a repeat performance of those low moments in my life, and I highly doubt that is at all what GOD intends for me either. And so to counter those melancholy possibilities, I keep myself excessively busy. I don’t want to have too much time on my hands, and so I plan out each moment, seizing it and in my own way attempting to follow Thoreau and suck the marrow out of life. But lately, I’ve started to wonder if I’m missing something. Missing something big. Like maybe I’m sucking the life out of my life? I’ve had a few DUH moments (or D/H moments as my niece Janet says).
Perhaps GOD is wanting me to enjoy the still quiet moments I have on my own (and with HIM) instead of filling every possible moment with some activity, plan or project. My reasons for those pursuits are good and sound. You know what they say about idle hands. But maybe, just maybe, I’m meant for less and not for more. [That sounds funny, doesn’t it?] Or better stated: maybe the less is more! [Yeah, that sounds better.]
Maybe those quiet moments without a whir of activity or planning should not cause me guilt but rather fuel my very existence. Maybe the void is meant to be savored, not hurried along like the climactic ending of a good book. I always have to go back and read the end of a good read because I missed half of it the first time in my rush to get to the very end. Maybe this void I am feeling is like that, and I need to relax in it just a bit and enjoy it for what it is.
Maybe I need to stop seeking my purpose like the elusive golden snitch that is always just out of reach for Harry Potter in Quidditch. Maybe I need to embrace the purpose I already have. I exist. I belong to GOD. My purpose is to bring glory to HIM. Maybe that means activity for a cause, maybe that means engaging in conversations with others, and maybe that also means resting in HIM and enjoying the quiet moments of solace without buzzing around like a worker bee all the time.
So I have a lot going on in my mind today. My mind is churning and still processing my thoughts. The bottom line is that I think I’m going to try and learn how to BE, how to just exist and stop DOING for a second or two every day. OK, I know that isn’t much, but it’s a start, a rather slow beginning at attempting to unravel by linear, rigid persona. HA! [My sister called me both linear and rigid in the same half hour conversation this week, and I’ve been obsessing about it ever since, and a lot of those thoughts have led me to this moment. Come on, you can’t tell a passionate, intense personality that they are linear and expect them not to simmer on those very words for days afterwards. Her words are still haunting me.]
Well, pardon me while I step away and just BE for a moment. Well, all right, I can’t really just BE at work. My lunch break is almost over after all, and so I have to be the worker bee right now on the clock. But I’m scheduling a few minutes to just BE this evening. [Get it. I'm going to schedule time to BE. Hee hee!] Oh well! It's all a work in progress...
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