Not sure what has happened to me. I’m not the same person I was. Something is different. I’m hoping it is just a phase, a brief few months of reprieve. Perhaps this is just a period of my life that I will look back on in year to come with just a shrug of my shoulders and a slight twinge of regret. I don’t know what has come over me or who I am becoming. I wish I understood myself a little bit better. I wish I had the stamina in me, the time, the resolve to change and take things back to where they were.
I know things aren’t right. Things can’t be. I’m not watching much TV at all. GASP! I know, this is huge, shocking and hard to grasp for some of you who know my addiction to crime drama, Thursday night comedy and mind-boggling serials like Lost and Heroes. But it’s true, my friends. It’s a fact. My DVR is nearly full, and I’m not doing anything about it. I’m simply going about the other avenues of my life as my little gray box magically continues to record the life and times of my once dear loved ones, even though I’ve actively stopped participating in their lives.
What’s more perplexing is that I have only watched 2 episodes of this the final season of Lost. There, there. Take a deep breath! I know, it’s rather hard to believe, but I’ve a had a few months to adjust to this change, and you haven’t. Come back to me. Feel better now?
What is even more puzzling is that I’m still sleeping at night. Isn’t it a wonder? I’m still able to rest without the guilt weighing me down, gnawing at my very soul. What kind of fan, am I? Was I ever really as devoted as I once thought? The survival of my friends on the island once mattered to me. I used to care. For years, I suffered along with them as they fought off “the others” and chased each other around this time-shifting island. I laughed at Hurley’s comments. I drooled over Desmond’s accent. I sighed as Jack did yet another noble deed. People, I was there.
But now despite our joint ventures of the past and quite without cause, I seem to have abandoned them. I'm numb. I've become oblivious to their gut-wrenching pain, their twisted angst, their countless struggles to get along. I’ve walked away without a knowing look, a long confusing explanation or a flashback scene. I’ve left them to figure things out on their own. I didn't plan it. It just happened.
Somehow though, I think it is starting to catch up with me. It could be a coincidence or perhaps karma or fate, but I seem to be facing consequences of my own. I seem to have lost my self. I’m questioning my very existence. Are these my fingers? Am I only a figment of my own imagination? Maybe I’m on my own “island” right now. Is anyone else there? HELLO??
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