Forgive the Shy Smile…

But next weekend, we’re going back to Dayton, where I hope to see “Mr. Clean” security guard and say goodbye to my year-long obsession with him as an ideal! So forgive the silly grin, I can’t seem to let it go.

There is a great deal of “risk” here as to whether or not I see him. What if he got another job and has moved on? What if he is off next Saturday? What if he has some slimy, model-like, anorexic girlfriend attached to his arm? [OK, let’s not go there! Think happy thoughts...]

The plan is for me to see him one last time, sigh a little bit, wipe the drool off my chin and let go of the memory. Let go of those brief short nanoseconds when our eyes met, and for a fraction of an instant, I glimpsed his soul. [WOW! That’s good. I like that...let me write that down.] I guess it's just time to say goodbye.

Of course, if my 4 single girlfriends have anything to do with it, there will be more than gawking across the room. Kristen is planning to strike up a conversation with him and ask if she can take his picture. She’s already working on a story about a friend that visited the art institute last year and commented on the hot security guard she saw there. [Hopefully he’ll be oblivious to THAT friend standing right behind Kristen, trying to keep from giggling like she’s 14 or running away from sheer embarrassment!] And who knows what other schemes Jessica, Sara and Becky are working on now...

All right, I realize that married people might think single people are silly sometimes. After all, we have so much freedom, so much time, SO MUCH...and yet, we're always looking for more. But it’s rough out there on your own. It can be brutal. And trust me, if you were 33, single, romantic and desperate for a love to call your own, you’d find yourself clinging to a dream some days just because you can. After all...

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all..."

[Thanks, Emily]

April/May Recap

Biltmore was amazing! I came back so psyched about it...even talking about getting a job there giving tours. My highlight of the trip was taking the Rooftop Tour while my friends did a winery tour/tasting. They had a blast at the winery, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself on the rooftop tour. I took loads of pictures and got different views this time. As the guide lead the tour, I kept saying to myself “I could do this.” Yes, I could!

The rest of April and now most of May have just flown by. I’m so busy at work that there is little time for else, and my blog, family and friends have suffered because of it. Seriously, I work 9-11 hour days throughout the week and often come in on weekends, too. I’m still working the two different positions and trying to keep both things moving on both desks! Lots of shuffling to do...

Just in the last couple of weeks, I would say that I am definitely noting how much all of this has taken its toll on my mental and physical state. You can only burn a candle at both ends for so long, I guess. I’m whipped. I feel like I don’t care as much as I should about certain things. I’m anxious at times about other matters, and carefree or snippy at other times. I’m ready for some rest. I’m not the best me I can be—that is for sure. I’m very much ready for my office cohort to come back from maternity leave. These past 4 months have been a real learning experience, and I wouldn’t change the learning aspect. It is just the sheer volume of work that is starting to over-tax me. I’m ready for a “less is more” scenario.

I’ve even been contemplating a vacation all on my own. I’ve traveled alone before, but it’s always been to see friends or relatives. I’d travel to Tennessee to visit my Aunt Laura or drive to Pennsylvania to visit friends. But here I am actually fantasizing about a trip alone to a beach or something. That’s not like me. I usually want to get away to DO THINGS. I like to see the water and visit new places, but the key is that my idea of a vacation usually involves going places. I like to explore new territory, museums, nature, etc. And here I am pondering an actual relaxing vacation at the seashore reading and writing in a lawn chair. It’s a bit of a crazy thought for me. I’m sure the moment will pass, and I'll return to my normal self...

Weekend Get-away

What could be more romantic than spending a long 4-day weekend at Biltmore! (Sigh!) Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Touring the estate, meandering along the garden paths,sipping a glass of wine and enjoying the view, etc. It’s all good stuff! But what if you don’t have someone special of your own?

Skip the romance and go anyway! So Howard (my imaginary companion of 12 years) and I are leaving for Biltmore on Wednesday evening with 2 of my girlfriends, Kristen and Jessica. I’m psyched, elated and delighted. I need this get-away rather desperately.

We’re spending Wednesday evening in Louisville, Kentucky (pronounced “Lou-ullll-vulle”) with our friend Stephanie who lives there, and then Thursday morning, we’re heading on to North Carolina. We have the unlimited Biltmore passes, which will allow us lots of access to all the Biltmore sites during our stay, and I get giddy just thinking about it. I’ll get to see my favorite turtle fountain and hang out under the grape arbor. I’ll get to wander among the flowerbeds and savor the view of the Blue Ridge Mountains in the distance. And then there is the house…I love it. The library is my favorite room with its secret access from the upper story bedrooms, the magnificent fireplace and spiral staircases, and the thousands of volumes that would make any literature nut’s heart skip a beat.

Yes, I feel like I’m going home, in a way. This will be my 4th Biltmore excursion. I guess you could call me a fan…

It’s time to start packing!

Abandonment Issues!

I understand I’ve given a couple of people a complex what with my lack of keeping up with friends and family like I have lately. But it hasn't been intentional abandonment...I'm just running on fumes here.

Since returning from Christmas vacation in January, my job has stepped up to hyper busy mode. In early February, just when I thought things were going to start calming down, my co-worker Michele got put on bedrest – 2 and ½ months before her pregnancy due date. So, I became known as “Michelanie” and have been doing both jobs ever since, and the madness hasn’t slowed down a bit.

Michele finally gave birth to a beautiful baby boy last week, and so I am starting to count down the days until her return. June 4th will be here before we know it! But until then, I’m not anticipating a big change in my communication habits. HA!

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Have a wonderful, safe and happy holiday season! I'm out of here...see you next year!

The Day Before You Came...

I love ABBA’s music. Their feel good tunes are especially awesome for roadtrips. Yes, most of the songs are melodic ballads or romantic tunes, but hey, I’m a diehard romantic...it’s good stuff!

I put in my favorite this morning to listen to on the way to work. I leave the office in another hour and head on my way home to Michigan, and so ABBA is a must for a long day of travel, and I wanted to get myself prepped for the ride. I heard my favorite track and couldn’t help but smile...

Must have left my house at eight, because I always do
My train, I’m certain, left the station just when it was due
I must have read the morning paper going into town
And having gotten through the editorial, no doubt I must have frowned
I must have made my desk around a quarter after nine
With letters to be read, and heaps of papers waiting to be signed
I must have gone to lunch at half past twelve or so
The usual place, the usual bunch
And still on top of this I’m pretty sure it must have rained
The day before you came

I must have lit my seventh cigarette at half past two
And at the time I never even noticed I was blue
I must have kept on dragging through the business of the day
Without really knowing anything, I hid a part of me away
At five I must have left, there’s no exception to the rule
A matter of routine, I’ve done it ever since I finished school
The train back home again
Undoubtedly I must have read the evening paper then
Oh yes, I’m sure my life was well within its usual frame
The day before you came

Must have opened my front door at eight o’clock or so
And stopped along the way to buy some Chinese food to go
I’m sure I had my dinner watching something on TV
There’s not, I think, a single episode of Dallas that I didn’t see
I must have gone to bed around a quarter after ten
I need a lot of sleep, and so I like to be in bed by then
I must have read a while
The latest one by Marilyn French or something in that style
Its funny, but I had no sense of living without aim
The day before you came

And turning out the light
I must have yawned and cuddled up for yet another night
And rattling on the roof I must have heard the sound of rain
The day before you came…

It’s sentimental and more than a bit cheesy, isn’t it? But I love it! [Incidentally, it is the last song the 4 Swedes ever recorded.] Did you notice that the word LOVE isn’t even in the song, and yet we all know what the song is about? (SIGH!)

Howard, where are you?

From the Man's Point of View...

For years, my sister Barbara has complained that I’m always on her husband Jonathan’s side. Even before they were married, I was usually taking his side or at least seeing his point of view in an argument. I’ve learned since to just step aside from those discussions and not take a side, if you will, or at least keep my mouth shut if I have an opinion!

I guess I’ve always thought I was merely trying to see the other person’s side because my Mom’s really good at that, and I figured maybe some of it carried over from my experiences with her. But then this last year, it has come up several times in my discussions with friends, too.

A girlfriend will be relaying a story about a guy she is interested in, or how she’s been waiting on a guy to call her, etc. I try to be as sympathetic as I can be, but inside, I’m asking: why does everything have to be on his shoulders? or why don’t you just call him? or did it ever occur to you that he might be nervous, too? I have these questions going round and round in my head, and sometimes they just pop out. I mean, I want to be honest, and I don’t always mean to play devil’s advocate...

But somehow I think that men (especially in regards to relationships) have it rough! I know that this goes against everything in the girl code that we live by...where we all stick together and stuff. I’m sure I’ll get emails from friends asking me to re-read my girl handbook again, but I can’t help the fact that I truly think that some men get the raw end of the stick.

We women seem to think that men should have us figured out by now. I mean, come on, we’re women. We’re lovable, adorable, giving creatures. All we ask for is that everything in our lives to be PERFECT!!! And the instant a man doesn’t fit into that mold or dream he needs to live up to--well, it’s time to write him out of our lives.

He called too late one evening (so inconsiderate)…
or he forgot to call at all (rude and a liar)…
or he calls too much (needy and clingy).
Verdict: Time to end it!

He mentioned his ex-girlfriend (pathetic—get over her already)…
or he forgot to mention that she was going to be at the same party you were attending (liar and inconsiderate).
Verdict: Time to end it!

He did not pay for my meal (cheap and rude)…
or he paid for my meal without even asking (conceited)
or he asked if he could pay for my meal (pathetic ploy).
Verdict: Time to end it!

He failed to open the car door (so unchivalrous)…
or he forgot to introduce you to his friend at the restaurant (unpolite).
Verdict: Time to end it!

He asked to meet you at the restaurant (unchivalrous)…
or he wants to pick you up at your house (stalker).
Verdict: Time to end it!

So I read over those items above and I have to laugh. I mean, we’re asking men to do things we don’t even expect from our best friends. I’m not going to stop being friends because my friend fails to call me back when expected or doesn’t think to introduce me to another friend she runs into. Yes, I’m sorry my friend forgot to call me back, but then, I’ll just call her or email her later anyway. And yes, it would be polite for my friend to introduce me to her other friend that we’ve bumped into, but sometimes it’s easy to fall right into conversation, and it gets forgotten. Just one of those things...

Women are NOT that easy to understand. I know I’m not. I’m highly changeable about what I think from one moment to the next, and half the time I don’t understand myself. Why is it that I’m expecting another person (a man especially) to just get me from day one? It’s like we women are out to test the man from the first date to see if he can withstand our antics. It’s important to be ourselves, but it’s another matter to act as if men are the only ones with the issues that we have to discover ASAP.

OK, women...what about our moods? What about our playing hard to get or the way we act coy? Why is it that we hold back and don’t reveal anything of our true selves until we think we’ve caught the guy? What about how we love to gossip and share things with our friends that should stay private – especially about men? Why is it that we have these unrealistic expectations about men, but we ourselves refuse to change our own habits?

I don’t think dating should be all about learning the other person’s faults as quickly as possible so to eliminate that person from the running. I think dating should be about getting to know the other person (the good, the bad and the ugly) just because you want to! You like them, and you hope they are learning to like you, and so you date to get to know them better…not to find a reason to cross them off your list!

OK, so I’m no dating expert. I don’t claim to be an expert at relationships at all. I’ve just been observing a trend lately with my friends, and I start to wonder if maybe we just don’t make it all more complicated than it needs to be. Why couldn’t it be like grade school again? Hi, I’m Mel. I think you’re cute. Can we be friends?

I’m not ambitious…

At least not in the most common use of the term. I don’t have that inner drive to make exorbitant amounts of money or climb the corporate ladder. To me, success means a job well done. I am a hard worker (and sometimes a bit of an over achiever), and so I feel successful now even without the large bank account and oodles of stress. I’m doing what I’m paid to do. I’m achieving my goals and making my deadlines. Is there room for improvement? You better believe it. I have lots of places I need to work on. It’s just that I feel successful in my job because I feel that I’m putting forth my best effort, and that’s a good feeling. Sure it would be nice to have more of a disposable income and a nicer job title with perks. Who doesn’t want that, really? But I don’t feel like a failure because I don’t have those things.

Lately, however, I’ve started to doubt my lack of ambition due to conversations around the office. One of them involved a young lady who did a co-op internship here at DAS. She will graduate this May with a Bachelors degree in Business and has received offers from 2 different firms—one position has a starting salary of $60,000 with a $5,000 signing bonus and the other position has a salary of $50,000 with a $1,000 signing bonus. Sounds awfully nice to me!

When I hear stories about new grads starting out with salaries like that, I start to wonder if there is something wrong with me. I have my Bachelor’s degree—not in business, but in journalism, and when I left college, there were no jobs to be had. I started out at a day care taking care of infants, moved on to be a bank teller, eventually became an assistant to a college advisor, then on to an administrative assistant for a quasi-state entity, and now here I am 10 years later… I make decent money, but it’s not $50,000 a year. I make enough to pay my bills and do most of the things I like to do. I’d like to travel to Europe and see more of the world, but right now my money is going towards other things like paying off debt and such. But over all, what I have is sufficient. I’m content, but should I be?

Why is it that I don’t dream about riding up the corporate ladder so much? Instead my dreams are of meeting a man with a British accent. Why don’t I have visions of a bigger bank account? Instead I imagine having a small little home and taking care of my family.

Hmmmm…I think it’s all about perspective. Money isn’t the bottom line for me, and rising to the top in my company doesn’t give me a tingly feeling at all. I guess I’m ambitious in other ways. I’d like to travel, I’d like to get married, I’d like to have a little place of my own, I’d like to finish my book, I’d like to take photography classes, I’d like to do a lot of things...

I guess, you could say that I have oodles of ambitions! HA!

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

I hope your time with family, friends, pets, plants, etc. is delightful and extra special. I’ll be dog-sitting, and so it will be me and Chas (short for Charles, you know) for 5 days straight. But I’ll be staying in a 5-bedroom home, enjoying lots of extra space, etc. Loving it! Probably getting some scrapbooking done or Christmas cards made. Wherever this holiday finds you--ENJOY!

And for all of you who just need a friendly hug today or even something to smile about, check out this link.

Decorating for the Holidays

Late Saturday afternoon, two of my girlfriends stood by on spider duty while I opened the outside storage door and entered the world of the unknown to retrieve 2 of my storage bins full of my Christmas décor. Much to my surprise and delight, we didn’t spot a single living creature…no spiders, no bugs, etc. There were a couple of weds to wipe off the outside surface of the bins, but all seemed well. And the large spider that has been tormenting me for months by popping up every now and then between the glass and the screen doors—well, she was a no-show. (Sigh!)

We dragged the bins indoors, and my friends left me then to my own decorating mayhem. I quickly assembled my new pre-lit Christmas tree and was rather excited by the new look. How fun! I was really looking forward to decorating a tree again. I didn’t put up a Christmas tree last year since I had tossed out my old tree the year before. .

I opened up the first bin to pull out my ornaments and was greeted with a big surprise. [OK, before everyone starts to panic and before my fellow arachnophobia sufferers feel the need to send me flowers, let me just say that there were no spiders to scream about.] However, what I found was not a good surprise. Everything inside the box was covered with mold. I saw white fluffy mold on the soft stuff—the Christmas pillow, the soft ornaments, etc.; and then a brown mold had settled on all the metal, the boxes, the other ornaments, etc. I quickly resealed the plastic bin and stepped away from it. I thought for a moment and then calmly wrapped a scarf around my neck and covered my mouth and nose, put on my yellow rubber cleaning gloves and marched outside with my green plastic bin. I’m sure to the casual observed I looked quite the sight as I dealt with my own form of bioterrorism in my home.

I carried the bin over to the dumpster and starting sorting through the contents. There was very little I could save or felt comfortable in keeping. Into the dumpster went the Christmas pillow, the Christmas balls and tinsel, the Christmas snow globe that I cherished, the porcelain santa bag, the Christmas baskets and tins and the Christmas ornaments from my childhood (the corncob girl, the brass ornaments with my name on them). I also threw the plastic bin away as well. I don’t know the rules on molds, but I just know that you have to be really careful with stuff like that, and I wasn’t going to risk it all for a $7 plastic bin.

Out of the whole big 30 gallon bin, I think I saved 3 glass votive holders, which were immediately brought straight into the house and put through a dishwasher cycle. All in all, it was rather sad.

I went through the 2nd bin and was pleased to find no traces of mold at all, and so I still had a few decorative pieces from Christmas past. I was disheartened at first until I realized what this really meant…this was my chance to start over on my Christmas decorations. A chance for me to select the colors, the styles and the designs I most liked for my Christmas tree. No more a hodge-podge, cluttered mix of ornaments! I could make this tree out the way I wanted to.

So on Sunday, I went shopping, and a few hours later, I returned home with an empty wallet, and lots of red, green, white and silver ornaments in tow. My tree is up and nearly complete. I have a few finishing touches to wrap up, but I like my new tree so far. Part of me misses the homier feel of my old tree complete with the sentimental ornaments of my past, but I also am enjoying the classier elegance of this new era, too. I love decorating for the holidays, don't you?