Where Is That Girl?

I had an awesome lunch-time chat with my friend and co-worker Barb today. I was babbling on and on about how great it was to get caught up with old friends on Facebook, especially my friends from Camp Spearhead. We also discussed our jobs, my search for a church, new opportunities, etc.

Toward the end of the conversation, she smiled and said, “You know, Mel, I think, you need to find something to do that you are THAT passionate about.”

She was referring to how excited and passionate I am when I talk about Camp Spearhead. You see, I can’t help but grin or laugh when I am recounting the many familiar faces from camp. Barb’s comment got me thinking...where’s that girl and how do I get her back?

Where is the girl who used to jump up every Saturday morning and run to catch the bus for the Spearhead Extension? I could have had an exhausting week of classes and exams, but it didn’t matter. If there was a weekend extension planned, I was there. I miss that diligence, focus and purpose.

Where is the girl who used to ride every hayride and sing loudly along on every camp song chorus? I miss the enthusiasm with which I tackled things. I miss the girl who didn't care who was watching or listening...she had no problem being silly if the occasion called for it!

Where is the girl who made it a point to know each and every campers name? I miss that never-met-a-stranger ideal. I would introduce myself to all those new to me and try to come up with ways to remember their names all week. I know how important it is to have someone remember your name, especially when you are new or in a strange place.

Where is the girl who used to take photos non-stop and made a real effort to capture all the memories? I miss that energy. I would run around snapping pictures with Michael Brooks following me the whole time yelling, “Come back here, Mel. You don’t need to take no more pictures!”

Where is that passion, that fire that I had back then? Few things excite me now like they did back then.

I don’t think it’s just age or maturity that has robbed me of these things I am missing. I think somewhere along the way, I let go of joy! [GASP!] I stopped delighting in the little things, in the moments that make up the day-to-day adventure we call life. I suddenly needed more to get excited about. It wasn’t enough to be amused by a mere detail or a funny encounter.

I grew up, and I thought that part of that process was moving on to bigger and better things to bring me happiness. I couldn’t just be content with the status quo any more. Like a kid that feels gypped at getting socks and underwear for Christmas, I wanted the big list items. After all, others were getting them--why couldn’t I? I wanted the diamond ring and the man on my arm to go with the sparkle. I wanted the 2.5 kids, the fluffy black dog, and the house with a view. I wanted the corporate job with the good pay and potential for growth.

I thought that was what I needed. I thought that those things were what I was missing from my life. And when I didn’t get all of those things, I would just get more and more determined to make it happen, and I’d get more and more miserable at the current state of affairs. It's not wrong to pursue another course or to follow your dreams, but when you seek them with the idea that those things -- those bigger and better gift items -- are all you need to attain happiness, you are bound to be dissatisfied.

Turns out that those things weren't a need or a must-have, and to go after them, I had chucked something far more precious in the wake. I'd set aside joy. I forgot to revel in the bliss and delights of being alive. I forgot how to enjoy the hayride, so to speak, how to let my hair down and be free and just savor the moment...like I did back then.

Now, I’m sure Barb has no idea that her comment to me would strike such a chord and cause me to ponder life as it has to this extreme, but here I am. And today I’m reclaiming THAT girl. She's still here. She never really went far. She just hid away for a while. She's a bit weather-beaten and shell-shocked, but she she's got joy in hand...

And I'm not letting go this time.