Just a giggle and a dream...

There are moments that spring upon me—moments where I long to have someone else in my life. Is that selfish? Is that ungrateful to yearn for something more? I don’t think so. It can overtake me and become an obsession. It’s happened before, but today it’s not like that.

I’ve had months of calm tranquility in my life where this discussion of the other has been a sleeping dog, if you will. I haven’t been daily contemplating my singleness or complaining about the lack of men in my life. If anything it’s been quite the opposite. I’ve been oddly enough content and at peace with the solitude and serenity of my situation.

And today it’s no different. I’m not regressing back to 3 years ago. I’m not crying or boohooing my singleton lifestyle. I’m not depressed. It's just that the dream of more is still alive and well in me. I want my own significant other! [Not that everyone already in my life is NOT significant or anything! AHEM!]

Guess it all started earlier this week. I was laughing about something I had written down, and it suddenly came to me: I hope he likes to read and write…whoever he is. And then later as I looked at a friend’s website that displays her accomplishments as a photographer, I contemplated again: Oh I hope he likes pictures! And wouldn’t it be great if he was a photo-nut, too? And then I giggled secretly to myself. No sobs or hysterics. No melancholy brooding. All at once I was keenly aware of how good it felt to be alive in that moment with just a giggle and a dream...

My breath has been taken away...

No, I don't have some big news of my own to share...I've just been thinking about 2 of my dear friends, Angie and Andy, and their big moment of becoming parents. They are in China right now as I write this in the process of adopting a beautiful baby girl, and it's so exciting.

As I read their blog this afternoon and got an update on little Sarah Grace, I got chills and started tearing up. Angie and Andy are 2 of the kindest, most loving and compassionate people I have ever met. [And I'm not just writing this in case they ever read this...they really are inspiring!] I'm so very thrilled for them. I can't help but feel at a loss for words when I contemplate how exciting it must be for them to be able to hold this dear cuddly little soul that they have inherited from a gracious, loving heavenly FATHER that knew exactly what child to place in their hearts and home! They've been praying for this moment, preparing for this entry into parenthood, and now here it is. GOD has been faithful yet again!

I'm awestruck and so excited...what a joy! [Enough said!]

There’s just something magical about weddings!

It’s hard not to smile when you see how happy the bride is, and when you catch the groom adoringly admiring the bride or hear him retelling their story, it’s simply delightful. But being a single 30-something female without a man or even the potential of a man does tend to taint that blissful view. More and more, I find that I both love and loathe weddings!

When I attend a wedding, I’m safe for an hour or 2—just enough time to catch the wedding and spend a short time at the reception—that I can handle, but after that, I can’t take it anymore. I’m done…doesn’t actually diminish my happiness for the bride and groom. I’m thrilled for them, but after a couple of hours, I personally crash.

To me weddings are both hope and pain. It’s exciting to see another couple joined in holy matrimony. Just watching them pledge their love for one another gives me just a wee bit of hope that maybe there really is someone special ahead for me as well. Not that my current life isn’t satisfying just the way it is, but there is still that GOD-given longing to share my life with someone. And so for a brief while, something stirs inside of me and revives that feeling and sensation of excitement and anticipation that “it could still happen.” It’s as if I have wings, and it’s all right to dream again.

But once the wedding is all over, I return back to the real world, and I crash down from that pinnacle of hope. The post-wedding blues arrive and suddenly that earlier “high” transforms into something dark and morbid. The hope is replaced with despair and anxiety! Where once was confidence, fear has taken over, and I’m longing to be anywhere but there, and so I leave. I mentally check out and return to my own little life.

I guess weddings cause me to face my greatest fear—that of being alone. To those who know me, this may sound like a contradiction since I claim to love being alone and enjoy my solitude perhaps more than I should. But maybe it’s all a sham. Perhaps I shut myself in to keep hope out and to prevent myself from longing for more than I already have. For where there is hope, there is also the opportunity for pain…

I have this friend...

And he has a magnetic personality. He really does. People seem to be naturally drawn to him. I have several friends that regularly confide in him. He has become one of their main sources of advice. They turn to him for consolation and comfort regarding relationships, employment struggles, family stuff, etc. And while I am glad for their sakes that he fills that role in their lives, he and I just don't mesh like that. I don't feel the need to confide in him or share anything deeply personal with him. I guess you could say that I don't share much of anything with him at all.

Truth is, we're not really all that good of friends at all. I'd like to say that we're opposites and that's why we just don't click like others do, but I think the truth is that we're more alike than we are different. Both of us like to be needed.

Just as he likes to be the person that people turn to when they need someone to talk and listen, I like to be doing something, anything to feel needed. I am at my best when I feel that I'm participating in the lives of those around me--whether I'm listening to a friend sharing or volunteering to tackle a project. It's all the same. He and I like to be needed, to be contributing members of society.

But since we are both busy filling that role of service in others lives, we don't need each other. It's almost as if we've entered some competition with each other, and it's rather odd. On more than one occasion, I've wondered if he resents me in some way, and I've concluded that he does. Just as I think I tend to bait him and provoke him, too.

Since I don't share with him or confide in him all my dark secrets, he sums me up as less than I am. I don't need his services, thus I'm merely taking up oxygen. He sees me as a prude. I bore him. I'm too innocent, too self-righteous to suit him, and so he strives to make me uncomfortable in his presence so that I'll leave his space. He tries to embarrass me and make himself appear superior. You see, he thinks he knows me. He thinks he sees all there is to see, but he doesn't.

I'm secretly amused at his taunting antics and mind games. In fact I tend to be the prude in his presence just to get on his nerves. When I'm with him, I rarely speak my mind or talk much at all. I play my part well and become exactly what he thinks I am. I guess on some playing field, it helps me feel in control of the situation. It makes me feel better to know that he doesn't see the real me and that I control what he does see.

Rather sad, isn't it...We're quite the pathetic pair! I guess it's smart to own up to what is really going on. We will probably never be the best of friends, but there is no reason we can't collaborate together more.

Hopefully it's not too late to teach 2 old dogs a couple of new tricks!

A cell phone? Nah! I don't think so...

I'm considering getting my phone disconnected or my phone number changed or something. My phone has been ringing a lot lately, and now I've completely stopped answering my phone period. [So if you call, please leave a message, and I’ll get back to you.] I'm sure people have valid reasons for calling, but they aren't leaving messages, and I just figure that if it is important, they will leave a message. And since my phone has been ringing and ringing a lot lately, I’m trying to keep my sanity level stable!

Why is it that people don’t like answering machines or voice mail anyway? I don’t get it. I love both. But then I’d much prefer an email or writing someone a letter or actually being face to face with someone over a phone conversation. So phone mail messages work well for me. It’s quick, easy and to-the-point. I like that.

It’s not that I hate talking on the phone. It’s just that I'm in a creative phase right now (i.e. my living room floor is once again covered with card layouts, papers, etc.) And like other creative types will tell you, it’s hard to stop the creative juices to take a phone call. I can’t do it. I’ll lose my train of thought. And since, it's not every day that I have this creative buzz going on, I like to work while I feel this good about it.

I'm sure part of this is a selfish impulse and the old hermit drive that is alive and well in my spirit. I can't deny that THAT is part of me. I love being on my own. I really do. I arrive home at night and cry “SANCTUARY.” I try to relax and unwind after a long tasking day only to be inundated with phone calls….not all that different from what I experienced all day at work. So forgive me if I don’t pick up your call or if I delay at calling you back. I’m OK. I’m not depressed. I just need space!

I'm not hiding away. I'm back volunteering at the IMA, volunteering at my church this spring and summer and getting involved once again with my singles group, etc. I'm very active right now. I'm stretching myself out again with other things. And so it would be wrong to say that I’ve become a complete hermit that is avoiding people. That’s just not true! The reality is that I’m reemerging from my cocoon and adjusting to my new wings. But like all butterflies, I need space to fly. And this butterfly [or moth, if you will] just needs some time on her own, too. We all do.

I'm feeling content again for the first time in a few months, and I’m happy with who I am and where I am. And I'm not quite sure how to get that message across without hurting people...is it not a good thing to be content alone? Why must it always be considered selfish?

Yes, "no man is an island." I get that. I must interact with others, and believe me when I say that I’m getting plenty of interaction with other people. I’m rarely alone these days. But when I do have a moment to myself, I've stopped trying to fill it with busy activities to pass away the time. I’m just learning to once again enjoy those rare moments of solitude. After all, we are each responsible for our own happiness. I can’t live off the happiness of others alone. I have to make my own, too. And this is me happy!

So, I think the whole cell phone idea is moot. I mean I don’t like to be interrupted now as it is. Imagine if I had a cell phone…it would only be worse. Maybe some of the pleasures of being unavailable are lost on some people, but not all of us want to be found all the time!

The Quick Scan and See...

I call it the quick scan and see. It’s that initial sight check to determine if there is a significant other [better stated: does the man have a ring on his left hand?] And I’ve been catching myself “checking” more often lately, and I’m not quite sure why.

Maybe it’s a rise in hormones—an insurgence in estrogen or some other hormone that has me more keenly interested in scoping out the current stats of males I encounter. Or maybe it’s that biological clock that is tick-tocking as I write this! Time is running out on my body, and I know it. Or perhaps it’s just simply a change of venue—I’m working at a bigger company now, and I’m encountering more people every day, and it’s just that environment change that has me noticing more. Or maybe it’s just something else! Whatever the reason for the growth in my “quick scan and see” scoping, it has me laughing!

I’m single and I’d like to be married. [There I said it. WHEW! What a load off my mind!!] So when I meet people, it’s natural for me to be curious about their marital state…especially if they are interesting. The trouble is that lately I think EVERY ONE is interesting!

Maybe he has an awesome laugh, a winsome nature, and an incredible smile that catches me off guard!

Maybe he’s more of a loner, off by himself during lunch and pensively deep in thought and I wonder what keeps him so occupied!

Maybe he’s a brilliant scientist that reminds me of an absent-minded professor--in need of a serious over-haul on his wardrobe and schedule, but so incredibly smart that it's hard not to be intrigued!

Or maybe one random day 2 months back, he sat and talked to me for 10 minutes while I was sitting on my own, and I can’t seem to help wondering more about him. What makes him tick, what does he like, what makes him laugh, what are his hopes and dreams, does he like chocolate or vanilla? [Oops!! I launched from hypothetical to reality there. AHEM!]

To sum up, I’m finding lots of people to be interested in, and I’m feeling a bit unfocused at the moment. Some days I drift away from the lunch table repartee as I scope out the room or look for a somewhat familiar face. Often my patient co-workers catch me and retrieve me back to the subject at hand with a laugh.

And it is comical, I admit. I suppose I could be making better use of my time some days rather than always scoping for that special someone, but at least I admit that this is where I am at, and that has to count for something.

Organized Spontaneity...it's possible, right?

I’ve been musing lately about my organizational skills. I’m so organized with my bills—what is due, when to pay, etc.; I’ve got a monthly plan of what to recorder on my VCR; and I usually have to schedule getting together with friends days or weeks in advance. I just like to plan in advance. People laugh at me, but I’m not a naturally spontaneous girl. Spontaneity to me means arranging plans the week of an event! I’m wired for a schedule.

I think I’ve always been a bit of an organized anal freak in some sort of fashion…whether it meant sorting my jelly beans and eating them alphabetically by color, arranging my closet by color with sections for dress or casual wear, or creating a comprehensive alphabetic list of all my DVDs and videos…I like to have things in order. I’m not quite OCD about it, but there is some potential for it.

However, the one thing I can't seem to organize is my personal life—as in planning for marriage! No matter how hard I try, there’s not a lot I can ahead of time. I mean, realistically how much planning can a single woman do on the subject? I mean if there isn’t even a man in the picture, I don’t have any business picking out the ring. And without a ring, I really shouldn’t have my bridesmaids lined up yet and be setting a date. And without a date, I really shouldn’t be reserving the church and talking over the menu with a caterer. So see, there’s not a lot I can do now, and that fact sometimes irks me. I can’t even plan on it happening!

I was joking with a friend recently that I’ve been on a card-making craze lately. Seriously, I’ve made over 300 homemade greeting cards in the past month, and with no end in sight (since I am still really enjoying my work on them), I told her that I was going to start working on my wedding Thank You cards now. After all, I have the time to make them now and wouldn’t it save me and my future mate money when the time comes?!? And since I think it might be a bit much to start working on my wedding invitations instead, I joked that starting on making thank you cards was more practical! I’m sure she just thought I was nuts!

But it’s a real fact of my life! I joke about it, but the truth is that there isn’t any sign of a man in my life. And sometimes, I’m curious what to do about it. I mean what is a single girl to do? Where is that line in the sand between doing too much to secure your own happiness and letting GOD work it out for you? And without seeing the future and what lies ahead, it’s hard some days for a planning girl to know what to do! But I think I’m starting to see past it now…

In my mid to late twenties, I was still in what I call my “what-if” stage. I’d make plans with people, schedule vacations, etc. but in the back of my mind, a little voice would be saying: “I can make those plans, but if something better comes along, I can change my plans…” Well, those days are gone now! I’ve become far more independent. I’m less dependent on the what-ifs or the possibilities of what could happen. I schedule days, weeks and sometimes months in advance for the real people that are all around me. I’m interacting with them all the time. And should that someone special enter my life, I’m hoping I still have room for him because I won’t be breaking my weekend get-away with girlfriends or canceling all my other plans just because he exists.

I guess I’ve stopped pretending with my self that I need to leave space for him to fit in should he ever see fit to come upon the scene. I’m filling that space up! And if he does come along, he’ll find me living a full life. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be space for him at all. He’ll just be another part of my life…a part I am still hoping for, but not an empty space that I’m reserving should he ever arrive. I’m through holding a seat for him when there is so much more I could be doing! There are some things you can’t be ready for…some things that are still going to catch you off guard. And as an over-planner, it kills me that I can’t have all my ducks in a row for my future. But then, nothing outside of GOD’s love is really certain anyway.

And while I’m still that anal retentive girl that does plan months in advance, I think I’m softening a little...a very little maybe. I’ll never be a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants girl. Not gonna happen! But some days, I’m open to throwing aside my organized life and running out the door, camera in hand, ready to explore my world.

Am I ready to completely give up my organized life for some carefree mayhem? Will I toss my calendar aside for a maintenance-free lifestyle? NAH! Don't hold your breath!

However, I am going to plan for some spontaneity now and then and see what happens!

My Life as a Chic Flick!

There's an old family joke about me. I don't remember actually when it started or what set it off as a comedic precedent, but I must have remarked somewhere along my journey that my life was so much like a movie.

I guess it has to do with my analytical brain. I tend to take every novel, every poem, every movie, every TV episode and apply it to my life. It's not a big deal except when I get obsessed like I have a tendency to do and over-analyze a film. Such was the case with Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea and Dead Poets Society. Those are 3 films that come to mind from my high school days...and are probably related to the family joke.

The truth is that I continue to analyze films and novels every day. I keep a journal of good quotes...a bit odd perhaps, but I love a good line and if I watch a thought provoking film or read a brillian novel, I'll progressively think it through for days. Guess words really are my ON button! And in all actuality, I'm probably not all that different from most people...I just get more carried away with it. I can't turn my brain off sometimes, and it keeps me up late at night as I continue to delve deeper and deeper.

All of us can't help but see things through our own lenses. Every film, every TV episode, everything ever written whether prose or poetry is filtered through each person differently...that is unless we have managed to become mindless and merely flip through what we watch or read with little internalization, but even that person is still filtering what they see or hear in one form or another. Refusing to think on something deeper is still a filter! And so while one person gleans one thing from a sonnet, another person can gain something different upon hearing the same verse.

And so now, back to the present, I've watched a couple of films recently and have pulled out my favorite bits and clung to them. One line from The Wedding Date struck me with it's incredible emotion.

"I'd miss you even if we'd never met."

Ironic and poignant isn't it? I love that line. It brought to heart my recent blog about how I'm longing to share with my own special someone. It summed up what I had to use 500+ words to say...I miss him. I don't know him, I doubt we've ever met, but I miss him all the same! It is possible to miss someone you haven't met...

In I Capture the Castle, a British film I purchased, the young heroine ends the film with a reflective thought...

"I love. I have loved. I will love."

I think its a beautiful line that sums up deliciously the cycles of the human spirit. A delicate hope of more to come without lingering in the past or ignoring the present. I like that.

Today is Valentine's Day, aka Single Awareness Day or S.A.D. I think I took this day off as a sick day last year...and rightly so, what else should a single girl over 30 do on the one day of the year where people are celebrating what I am lacking? But the truth is, I'm not lacking it and this year, I'm feeling better about the whole thing. I have wonderful co-workers that are helping me finish off my chocolate stash and get all the sugar out of my house. I have a darling sister that sent me a lovely card to remind me that I am loved. And I spent my Saturday night before V-day with some of my dearest girlfriends in the world. We laughed and cried together over chic flicks and inhaled more sugar than 1 person should have in a year, but it was all good. I'm blessed. I truly am.

So today I'm at work. There's a whole week ahead of me. And while I can't see tomorrow and don't know if there is a man on the horizon, I see today as it is...a day of love. A day to show love to others and to be reminded of those in my life that I love and am loved by.

I love. I have loved. And I WILL KEEP loving.

Is It Time To Share Yet...

I've asked friends before if they are dying to share stuff with their future spouse. And the reaction I usually get is rather comical! I think they instantly question my sanity. I don't mean it to be a reflection of madness, but apparently, it hints at my delusional state or something.

That doesn't change my desire. I still long to share with him. In college, I started a journal for him to read, but I wasn't very good at keeping it up. I guess to me, Communication is vital! I want to be known deeply by that special someone. And I don't mean that we will have regular discussions on Nietzsche or Voltaire...I just mean that I want a relationship of mutual sharing. I want to find a kindred spirit that I can share my life with.

Thus there are moments, and I confess that I have a lot of them, where I am eager to share with him. Some days, I'm bursting at the seams to recount a humorous moment in my day, to give him the 4-1-1 on a person he hasn't met yet, to discuss my favorite ice cream, etc. Maybe that sounds warped, but it's not really a need to talk about myself as much as it is an eagerness to share myself with someone. I'm eager to share my memories, my dreams, my thoughts and just as anxious to hear his!

I've been blessed with several incredible friendships over the years. One with the person nearest and dearest to my heart--my sister. If any ONE person really knows the real me--my sister does. She has seen me at my best and worst. She has heard nearly every story there is to tell. She's listened patiently to the drama of my life unfold. I'm so thankful for her presence in my life, and me wanting to share with someone other, doesn't take away from that communion of spirit and openness in my relationship with her. I simply want my own other self!

The longing to share builds when I go home to Michigan or spend time with my family. I have watched in amusement as my sister showed her husband Jonathan all her old haunts--the Lexington pier, the Swinging Bridge, the pen aisle at Ben Franklin's, the chunk missing from the foundation of our house [AHEM!], etc.

I long to do the same. I want to introduce him to the Croswell Stockyards, walk with him along the Blue Water Bridge, take him out for a bike ride around my old neighborhood. I want to introduce him to my family--see him laugh with my sister, play games with my nieces and nephews, and listen thoughtfully to my Mom. I want to share my favorite spots in Indianapolis with him--take walks through the historic district, stroll through Holliday park, tour the Indianapolis Museum of Art and wander through the gardens there. I'm a simple girl. I don't need a lot. I just want to share my life with someone else!

I want to hear his stories, too. I want to know what it was like for him growing up, who his first crush was, what his favorite place to visit is, etc. I want to meet his family, see his hometown, and visit his favorite places. It's not an obsession with the past, but more of a thirst for knowledge. Your past is your past...but it has also shaped who you are now and who you are growing into. I want to hear about him!

When it comes to photos, I imagine that I'm probably going to scare the poor man should he ever come upon the scene. I'll be so ready to share that I'll freak him out. Here's my babybook. Here's the book from my weekend in DC. Here's book 1 of 3 from my week long vacation in Charleston, etc. I love my photo albums, and I think it's rather obvious that I enjoy putting them together. They are definitely something I do for me! But sometimes, I'm just as eager to share them with him. I want to explain the story behind a silly snapshot, to point out how this person or that person is connected to me, to describe what was happening in the scene, etc.

And so I continue on my journey--reveling in the happy moments of the present, chronicling the travels of my past, and occasionally letting myself dream of the future. It's my hope to share the past, present and future with him. I just hope he arrives soon before the madness takes me completely over...

How do YOU like your eggs?

I shocked a friend recently when I told her that I didn’t have a list--a list of what I was looking for in a potential mate. It’s not the first time that I’ve caught friends off guard by revealing my lack of planning in the area of dating. I mean some girls just seem to know what they want...

He needs to be so tall, have X amount of money, be a gentleman, etc....

And while I can appreciate their willingness to list out the qualities they are looking for, I’m not so much into pinpointing exactly what captures my heart maybe because I actually just don’t know. I guess my philosophy is simply that I’ll know what’s for me and what’s not for me when it happens, and that’s been what I’ve been living by. It’s the ONE thing I’m spontaneous about. Me--the ultimate planner, the organized freak, the detail queen--I’ve just been sitting back on this one. I guess this is one area of my life that I don’t seem to be completely in control over, and I’ve certainly never written down a LIST. It’s too risky.

I fear putting it down on paper. Seeing my thoughts on paper like that would taunt me. I’d have to face who I am and what I want, and that seems to be constantly changing! So why make a list? What was attractive yesterday might be repulsive tomorrow! And should someone come into my life, I don’t want to cut him out instantly because he doesn’t fit into my 12-point checklist. Yes, I believe that there are things that you can’t waiver on--such as faith and relationships with GOD, a person's overall character, and other foundational things like that. But as for the rest, I’m afraid to think about it too much. I guess you could call me a cynical idealist. I believe that the ideals in my head can exist but ONLY in my head. Once on paper, they diminish rather quickly and somebody else’s list starts to look even better than my own.

Runaway Bride haunts me! Julia Roberts’s character in the movie tends to change who she is and what she likes with the man she is dating or rather leaving at the altar. Richard Gere’s character confronts her about eggs and how she has changed her favorite style of eggs with each man she has been involved with. He challenges her to take a deep look at herself and determine who she is on her own before she can define what she likes and dislikes. I can see lots of truth in that, and I’ve thought about it more than I care to recount.

Now for me, there hasn’t been all that much chance for experimentation on eggs. My dating life has pretty much been non-existent. There have been a few dates here and there, but I’ve never seriously dated. Never really been in what I would call a relationship! I’ve had as many as 3 dates with the same guy, but all my dating “attempts” have had one thing in common. Every guy that has come into my life has been looking for someone else. Oh, a couple of them have thought I WAS that someone else, but I wasn’t, and I knew it right away before they did, and so it didn’t go anywhere.

And so I guess you could say that I don’t exactly know how I like my eggs! [OK, actually, the eggs, I have down. Fried, over hard, don’t break the yokes, a little bit of salt and pepper, and it’s all good!] But with guys, I don’t know exactly what floats my boat.

My ideal changes too often. I can’t decide whether he should be tall or short, thin or bulky, bearded or bald, type-A or melancholy, aggressive or complacent. He’s Vin Diesel one day--the eye candy tough guy with a softer side if you just get to know him better. He’s Bill Murray the next day--not a lot to look at, but he makes you laugh. He’s Clive Owen the following day--tall, attractive and smuggly British.

His personality changes regularly, too. Sometimes, my ideal is the adventurous life of the party. Next, he’s the reclusive thinker that challenges me and dares me to dig deeper. Other times, he’s the man of mystery that keeps me guessing. Still other days, he’s the quiet caring man who would give the shirt off his back if he could.

Combine all those ideals, and if you’ll forgive me for saying so, you get a real “scrambled” mess. The irony is that I can’t commit on the subject of what I am looking for! So for now, I choose not to draft my list. It’s safer that way...