Over the last couple of months, I’ve been getting a lot of calls from one of our sites in Canada from the same guy. He’s always calling to talk to one of my attorneys who never seems to be avaiable, and so the calls bounce over to me. Usually, I just put him into voicemail, but lately, we’ve started joking and just making conversation. You know how it is when you talk to the same person on the phone A LOT, and so eventually you start to feel like you know that person.
Well, this week, he was here in our office, and he had threatened to drop in on me and meet me face-to-face. I confess I was slightly eager to meet him as well. No strings mind you, I just knew he seemed like a decent guy on the phone. I didn’t have any romantic ideas about him, mind you—this was just a curiosity thing.
Well, today he called from another floor in our site and so I knew he was actually here. I heard him arrive in my attorney’s office (around the corner from me) and I just had to get a peek, and so I walked over that direction to the copy room and nonchalantly glanced into the office.
He was there all right—in all his hotness. I was tempted to go and introduce myself, but I snuck back to my office. I was thankful that my office is not right next to my attorney’s so that we didn’t have to meet. I don’t know a thing about him. I don’t know if he’s married or not, straight or gay, etc. All I know is that a man like that would have me stammering and making a complete fool of myself in 10 seconds flat. It’s best to just leave things as they stand and keep the mystery! Besides, maybe he won’t notice the drool over the phone…
Not quite like the small, square yellow sticky notes at all really...think legal size post-its!!
Friday, February 17, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
A Fine Farewell...
A friend and co-worker of mine recently was witness to the power of a loving goodbye, and when she shared the story with me, I confess I shed a tear or two myself. My friend was there in the hospital room as her dying father-in-law bid farewell to his wife of some 60 years. He was recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure, and less than a week later, he was fighting for each breath. For just a few hours before his passing, he was lucid enough to say his goodbyes.
His wife sat next to him as he told her that he had loved her since the moment he first laid eyes on her, and that every day with her had been a delight. As he lay there in the hospital bed, he gave her a final signed Valentine card a few days early, and she laid her head down on the pillow next to him and asked him if he wanted to snuggle. He smiled, and they snuggled for a few minutes. Within a few short hours, he was gone.
This story really touched me. I think in this world of divorce and broken relationships, I find it incredible that true love does exist, and it’s better than in the movies. That couples in their mid-80’s are even more in love than they were when they married all those years ago. It’s a beautiful thing, and it has reinforced the idea that it is possible to love one person ‘til death do you part. That’s what I want...and I don't want to settle for anything less.
Today is Valentine's Day--a day that I usually dread. It's sometimes too much to bear to be surrounded in a world of paired off people and feel like the odd girl out. I usually want to hide and bury myself away. But today, somehow I feel differently. Maybe I don't that love of my own that I've dreamed of, but I have the love of dear friends that mean the world to me. I have the love of a most beloved sister who never ceases to remember me on Valentine's Day. Today I feel loved, and I can't but help give it back rather than horde it away. May each of you feel loved today as well.
His wife sat next to him as he told her that he had loved her since the moment he first laid eyes on her, and that every day with her had been a delight. As he lay there in the hospital bed, he gave her a final signed Valentine card a few days early, and she laid her head down on the pillow next to him and asked him if he wanted to snuggle. He smiled, and they snuggled for a few minutes. Within a few short hours, he was gone.
This story really touched me. I think in this world of divorce and broken relationships, I find it incredible that true love does exist, and it’s better than in the movies. That couples in their mid-80’s are even more in love than they were when they married all those years ago. It’s a beautiful thing, and it has reinforced the idea that it is possible to love one person ‘til death do you part. That’s what I want...and I don't want to settle for anything less.
Today is Valentine's Day--a day that I usually dread. It's sometimes too much to bear to be surrounded in a world of paired off people and feel like the odd girl out. I usually want to hide and bury myself away. But today, somehow I feel differently. Maybe I don't that love of my own that I've dreamed of, but I have the love of dear friends that mean the world to me. I have the love of a most beloved sister who never ceases to remember me on Valentine's Day. Today I feel loved, and I can't but help give it back rather than horde it away. May each of you feel loved today as well.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Holding onto Hope...
1 day until V-Day or what we singles refer to as Single Awareness Day—you know the day where the rest of the world pays homage to love and being loved while we singles tend to wonder how anybody is meeting anybody else these days and gorge ourselves on ice cream and chocolate. [HA! OK, so maybe that’s not other singles—maybe it’s just me! Hey, can you pass the chocolate syrup please?]
I’m still struck with how people meet. I’m compelled to be curious about this topic. I find it’s the question that most puzzles me. I ask it when I meet new couples all the time. This stuff just doesn’t happen to me.
No guy has ever approached me in the super market. I mean, I think one guy was following me once, but I’ve watched a lot of movies and shows like Alias, and it has me always looking over my shoulder anyway. [Not that my Tae Bo kick would do me much good, but I like to pretend I’m ready to take on the world, you know.] Oh and then one time a lady in the checkout lane in front of me seemed to be hitting on me! That was awkward for this straight girl.
All in all, I think I’m a pretty approachable person. I like to smile at perfect strangers. I do it all the time. I think a smile can change the course of humanity if we’d only use it more…but so far it has yet to get me one date!
No guy has ever come up to me in a bar or a restaurant and said, “How you doing?” [OK, maybe I’d prefer that he’d work on a bit more dignified intro as opposed to the Joey Tribbiani opener, but hey, at this point, I’m not sure I’d be so selective. I’m 32, you know. Tick Tock!] I’m baffled by the fact that people are hooking up this way.
Granted I’m no Barbie, but then the Kens of this world don’t really appeal to me either, but either way, no one has of yet approached me when I was out with friends and started hitting on me. And even though, I’ve met some interesting men, and I do believe there are still good men available, I’m quite often stung by the apparent contradiction from what men are saying they are looking for and what they seek out in the big wide world there.
Men say they want…
a woman who can think for herself
a woman who can discuss fine literature and poetry
a woman who appreciates the arts, music and culture
a woman who enjoys good food and good company
a woman who has diverse interests outside of theirs (like photography, travel, etc.)
a woman that listens, pays attention to detail and wants to participate in their life
a woman who can make them laugh and isn’t afraid to laugh at herself.
Yes, this all sounds good. At this point, my interest is piqued, and I’m ready to wave a white flag and say…“Hello, I’m right here. I’m the one.”
BUT there’s a disclaimer that men in general add on…it isn’t always in writing or isn’t even discussed, but their actions speak volumes. They want to add the restriction that this thinker, this unique and fascinating creature that they are longing to meet and looking for has to fit into a size 2 frame. Ahhhh, therein lies the rub!!! Oh, I’m a size 2 alright. Try 22!
I’ve often wondered that maybe some of us have more personality than can fit into a size 2 jeans? I think I’ve been in double digits since junior high. I think I jumped right from 14 girl size into a woman’s size 12. (And now, I’d kill to be a size 12…well figuratively anyway!) All in all, I think I have a pretty big personality…I love so many different things, and I have a bazillion different interests, and I’m expanding them every year. Photography, travel, ballets and symphonies, hiking and camping, plays and theatres, architecture and old buildings, nieces and nephews, castles and England, chocolate and ice cream, card making and scrapbooking, history and geneaology…and the list goes on.
Somehow I think that no matter whether I return to that size 12 or not, I imagine that there just might be my own special someone still out there. A man who will love me for who I am rather than the size of clothing I wear. Someone I can grow old with, travel with, share a life with and laugh with. He’s out there…he’s probably taken already or pursuing a size 0 as we speak, but maybe he’ll work his way up, and he’ll come round one day. I can’t quite let go of my hope in the maybes of life yet. It might be dangerous to still carry hope, but somehow I think it might be more dangerous to not have any…
As C.S. Lewis once wrote: “Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
I’m still struck with how people meet. I’m compelled to be curious about this topic. I find it’s the question that most puzzles me. I ask it when I meet new couples all the time. This stuff just doesn’t happen to me.
No guy has ever approached me in the super market. I mean, I think one guy was following me once, but I’ve watched a lot of movies and shows like Alias, and it has me always looking over my shoulder anyway. [Not that my Tae Bo kick would do me much good, but I like to pretend I’m ready to take on the world, you know.] Oh and then one time a lady in the checkout lane in front of me seemed to be hitting on me! That was awkward for this straight girl.
All in all, I think I’m a pretty approachable person. I like to smile at perfect strangers. I do it all the time. I think a smile can change the course of humanity if we’d only use it more…but so far it has yet to get me one date!
No guy has ever come up to me in a bar or a restaurant and said, “How you doing?” [OK, maybe I’d prefer that he’d work on a bit more dignified intro as opposed to the Joey Tribbiani opener, but hey, at this point, I’m not sure I’d be so selective. I’m 32, you know. Tick Tock!] I’m baffled by the fact that people are hooking up this way.
Granted I’m no Barbie, but then the Kens of this world don’t really appeal to me either, but either way, no one has of yet approached me when I was out with friends and started hitting on me. And even though, I’ve met some interesting men, and I do believe there are still good men available, I’m quite often stung by the apparent contradiction from what men are saying they are looking for and what they seek out in the big wide world there.
Men say they want…
a woman who can think for herself
a woman who can discuss fine literature and poetry
a woman who appreciates the arts, music and culture
a woman who enjoys good food and good company
a woman who has diverse interests outside of theirs (like photography, travel, etc.)
a woman that listens, pays attention to detail and wants to participate in their life
a woman who can make them laugh and isn’t afraid to laugh at herself.
Yes, this all sounds good. At this point, my interest is piqued, and I’m ready to wave a white flag and say…“Hello, I’m right here. I’m the one.”
BUT there’s a disclaimer that men in general add on…it isn’t always in writing or isn’t even discussed, but their actions speak volumes. They want to add the restriction that this thinker, this unique and fascinating creature that they are longing to meet and looking for has to fit into a size 2 frame. Ahhhh, therein lies the rub!!! Oh, I’m a size 2 alright. Try 22!
I’ve often wondered that maybe some of us have more personality than can fit into a size 2 jeans? I think I’ve been in double digits since junior high. I think I jumped right from 14 girl size into a woman’s size 12. (And now, I’d kill to be a size 12…well figuratively anyway!) All in all, I think I have a pretty big personality…I love so many different things, and I have a bazillion different interests, and I’m expanding them every year. Photography, travel, ballets and symphonies, hiking and camping, plays and theatres, architecture and old buildings, nieces and nephews, castles and England, chocolate and ice cream, card making and scrapbooking, history and geneaology…and the list goes on.
Somehow I think that no matter whether I return to that size 12 or not, I imagine that there just might be my own special someone still out there. A man who will love me for who I am rather than the size of clothing I wear. Someone I can grow old with, travel with, share a life with and laugh with. He’s out there…he’s probably taken already or pursuing a size 0 as we speak, but maybe he’ll work his way up, and he’ll come round one day. I can’t quite let go of my hope in the maybes of life yet. It might be dangerous to still carry hope, but somehow I think it might be more dangerous to not have any…
As C.S. Lewis once wrote: “Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
Wedding Invitations
About 2 months ago, one of my co-workers approached me about making her wedding invitations. She knew that I liked to make greeting cards, etc. and figured I could handle an order for invitations.
I was flattered but a bit intimidated. I mean wedding invitations are pretty special, and I didn’t know quite what she was expecting, but I did develop a couple of templates for her to look at. And the good news was that the bride loved them.
She asked for more time to think things over and discuss it with her fiancée, and so I waited to hear back. Finally about 10 weeks out from the March wedding, she called and said that they had decided to have a very small wedding and weren’t going to need wedding invitations, but they were considering having announcements made up for later this spring. So the pressure was off, and I didn’t have a deadline hanging over my head.
Well, last week at just under 8 weeks out, the bride came to see me and said that she and her fiancée had changed their minds. They were going to have a larger wedding after all, and she was going to need 100 invitations. I gulped. I mean, I’m not a full resource printer here. I don’t have equipment to mass produce something very quickly, and so I knew I was going to be running tight on time. So I explained that we might be a bit pressed for time, but she still wanted me to make her invitations.
However, she kept changing her mind about everything. One day, she’d want one thing, and then later that afternoon, she’d have a completely different plan. The next day, she would have another suggestion for me to look into. Could we use a cheaper cardstock? What about a different ribbon color? Could I also make an RSVP card as well? By the end of last week (at 7 weeks out this past Saturday), I still didn’t have anything finalized. Time was running out, and then there was also the fact that I wasn’t sure I could find enough of the paper in time to make them once she did finalize it, and there was no time to order more directly. Not to mention the pricing—she thought my prices were high. I thought my prices were low. I was giving her a huge break and was basically just covering the costs of the supplies, but still she thought it was pricy.
Then finally over the weekend, she called with her decision. Of course, it just so happened that this past weekend was one of my busiest, and I didn’t have a moment to even think about working on the invitations, but at last I knew what she wanted. But I came into work on Monday, and she had left me another message and was changing the type of paper and going with a completely different invitation. At least I hadn’t started them yet or bought any of the supplies, and so it wasn’t really too late to change things around one more time, but it was still hard to keep my attitude in check.
Last night I purchased the supplies and got everything ready to start a home assembly line in my apartment, and so that is my plan for this evening and the rest of my free moments for the week—I’ll be home mass-producing 100 homemade wedding invitations. I’m hoping to get them to the bride on Friday. Fingers crossed!! I’m excited about it, and I’m hoping that the results will meet the bride’s expectations. But as thrilling as it is to work on something new, this has also been a big learning experience.
Notes to self:
1. Charge a creative fee to develop templates for the couples to choose from and work with as templates. If they don’t like what you’ve come up with, at least you are being paid for the time you’ve already put into it.
2. At the time the order is placed, collect 25% to 50% of the fees for the invitations up front. You need to have money to buy the supplies for the cards before you make them.
3. Consider having a contract that both parties sign to guarantee both my work and their payments. It’s smart to follow the CYA principle. Be prepared.
4. Have the invitation details finalized from the bride and groom at least 4 weeks before the invitations need to be mailed (traditionally at 6 weeks from the big day). No matter what excuse the bride has, she needs to know that if she can’t get you the information you need in time, you can’t make her deadline.
5. Institute a RUSH fee for last minute invitations. Also consider an add-on charge for additional changes after the invitation template has been finalized. It’s only fair. Deadlines are needed for a reason!
I was flattered but a bit intimidated. I mean wedding invitations are pretty special, and I didn’t know quite what she was expecting, but I did develop a couple of templates for her to look at. And the good news was that the bride loved them.
She asked for more time to think things over and discuss it with her fiancée, and so I waited to hear back. Finally about 10 weeks out from the March wedding, she called and said that they had decided to have a very small wedding and weren’t going to need wedding invitations, but they were considering having announcements made up for later this spring. So the pressure was off, and I didn’t have a deadline hanging over my head.
Well, last week at just under 8 weeks out, the bride came to see me and said that she and her fiancée had changed their minds. They were going to have a larger wedding after all, and she was going to need 100 invitations. I gulped. I mean, I’m not a full resource printer here. I don’t have equipment to mass produce something very quickly, and so I knew I was going to be running tight on time. So I explained that we might be a bit pressed for time, but she still wanted me to make her invitations.
However, she kept changing her mind about everything. One day, she’d want one thing, and then later that afternoon, she’d have a completely different plan. The next day, she would have another suggestion for me to look into. Could we use a cheaper cardstock? What about a different ribbon color? Could I also make an RSVP card as well? By the end of last week (at 7 weeks out this past Saturday), I still didn’t have anything finalized. Time was running out, and then there was also the fact that I wasn’t sure I could find enough of the paper in time to make them once she did finalize it, and there was no time to order more directly. Not to mention the pricing—she thought my prices were high. I thought my prices were low. I was giving her a huge break and was basically just covering the costs of the supplies, but still she thought it was pricy.
Then finally over the weekend, she called with her decision. Of course, it just so happened that this past weekend was one of my busiest, and I didn’t have a moment to even think about working on the invitations, but at last I knew what she wanted. But I came into work on Monday, and she had left me another message and was changing the type of paper and going with a completely different invitation. At least I hadn’t started them yet or bought any of the supplies, and so it wasn’t really too late to change things around one more time, but it was still hard to keep my attitude in check.
Last night I purchased the supplies and got everything ready to start a home assembly line in my apartment, and so that is my plan for this evening and the rest of my free moments for the week—I’ll be home mass-producing 100 homemade wedding invitations. I’m hoping to get them to the bride on Friday. Fingers crossed!! I’m excited about it, and I’m hoping that the results will meet the bride’s expectations. But as thrilling as it is to work on something new, this has also been a big learning experience.
Notes to self:
1. Charge a creative fee to develop templates for the couples to choose from and work with as templates. If they don’t like what you’ve come up with, at least you are being paid for the time you’ve already put into it.
2. At the time the order is placed, collect 25% to 50% of the fees for the invitations up front. You need to have money to buy the supplies for the cards before you make them.
3. Consider having a contract that both parties sign to guarantee both my work and their payments. It’s smart to follow the CYA principle. Be prepared.
4. Have the invitation details finalized from the bride and groom at least 4 weeks before the invitations need to be mailed (traditionally at 6 weeks from the big day). No matter what excuse the bride has, she needs to know that if she can’t get you the information you need in time, you can’t make her deadline.
5. Institute a RUSH fee for last minute invitations. Also consider an add-on charge for additional changes after the invitation template has been finalized. It’s only fair. Deadlines are needed for a reason!
Friday, February 3, 2006
Just Friends for a Reason...
It had been a while since I had met up with my friend Bob. We’re both big vampire movie buffs. Movies like Underworld and Blade are pretty special to us, and so with the new Underworld: Evolution movie out, we scheduled time to meet up for dinner and a movie.
We met up at his place. I wanted to see the house he had bought, and so I got the grand tour, and then he drove us to dinner. Dinner started out a bit odd. He had asked me what I was going to order, and I told him—thinking he was just curious. Macaroni Grill is one of my favorite Italian eateries in the city, and I almost always get the same thing, and I eagerly anticipate each visit.
Well, when the waitress came to take our orders, he piped up and said, “She’ll have the pasta milano.” I almost choked on my bread. I really am fine about doing my own ordering, after all this wasn’t a date. OK, maybe this is a cultural thing. Bob is from Taiwan, and this was the first time we’d had dinner on our own together. Maybe men in Taiwan normally order for the women at the table? I wasn't sure, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.
And then the waitress said looking right at me, “And did you want a salad with that?”
Bob said, “No. No salad today.” That did it. I reached for my water glass and chugged some water down before I starting spitting and sputtering. OK, he was right, I didn’t want salad, but I hadn’t told him that. What if I had wanted salad? I almost contradicted him and ordered a salad out of spite. But I didn’t. I maintained my composure and politely smiled and decided not to make a big deal of it.
The rest of dinner was fine. We talked about his church, his lady friend, his job, and I caught him up on what was going on in my life, too. Things were back to normal, and we were chit-chatting it up like we always have. I had nearly forgotten the whole speaking for me incident.
Then our waitress brought the bill, and of course, she had put it all on one check. And why wouldn’t she have! It made sense. He ordered for me, he answered for me, and so naturally she thought he was paying for me, too. But no, Bob handed the check back to her and asked her to split the check up. That was fine by me. I had fully expected to pay for my own meal, but the whole thing kind of made me chuckle. If I were a different woman, I might have been very confused. I would have been interpreting very mixed signals. The man jumps in and orders for me without asking me if that’s all right, and then he wants to split the check.
Now, I love Bob dearly. He’s a good friend, and I wouldn’t change him for the world, but there are several reasons that we’ve never been more than friends...
We met up at his place. I wanted to see the house he had bought, and so I got the grand tour, and then he drove us to dinner. Dinner started out a bit odd. He had asked me what I was going to order, and I told him—thinking he was just curious. Macaroni Grill is one of my favorite Italian eateries in the city, and I almost always get the same thing, and I eagerly anticipate each visit.
Well, when the waitress came to take our orders, he piped up and said, “She’ll have the pasta milano.” I almost choked on my bread. I really am fine about doing my own ordering, after all this wasn’t a date. OK, maybe this is a cultural thing. Bob is from Taiwan, and this was the first time we’d had dinner on our own together. Maybe men in Taiwan normally order for the women at the table? I wasn't sure, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.
And then the waitress said looking right at me, “And did you want a salad with that?”
Bob said, “No. No salad today.” That did it. I reached for my water glass and chugged some water down before I starting spitting and sputtering. OK, he was right, I didn’t want salad, but I hadn’t told him that. What if I had wanted salad? I almost contradicted him and ordered a salad out of spite. But I didn’t. I maintained my composure and politely smiled and decided not to make a big deal of it.
The rest of dinner was fine. We talked about his church, his lady friend, his job, and I caught him up on what was going on in my life, too. Things were back to normal, and we were chit-chatting it up like we always have. I had nearly forgotten the whole speaking for me incident.
Then our waitress brought the bill, and of course, she had put it all on one check. And why wouldn’t she have! It made sense. He ordered for me, he answered for me, and so naturally she thought he was paying for me, too. But no, Bob handed the check back to her and asked her to split the check up. That was fine by me. I had fully expected to pay for my own meal, but the whole thing kind of made me chuckle. If I were a different woman, I might have been very confused. I would have been interpreting very mixed signals. The man jumps in and orders for me without asking me if that’s all right, and then he wants to split the check.
Now, I love Bob dearly. He’s a good friend, and I wouldn’t change him for the world, but there are several reasons that we’ve never been more than friends...
Monday, January 30, 2006
Clarifying my Thoughts...
I thought I should clarify something after re-reading my last post…Just because I am struggling with my single status, does not mean that I am depressed. I’m far from it. I’m simply attempting to “keep it real” with GOD and others. Like the Psalmist in the Bible, I sometimes need to just get things out of my system and own up to where I am and what I am feeling. So that is what I do.
Most of the time, I’m quite content in my life. I imagine that some people would find my life rather dull, but that doesn’t matter to me. I love being me! I love being the crazy Aunt. I love traveling and planning events with friends and family. I love taking pictures and obsessing about them. I love making cards and scrapbooking. And quite frankly, most of the time I am quite content with the fact that I have lots of time to do those things I enjoy so very much. And what affords me such luxuries? The fact that I don’t have another someone clamoring for my attention and competing for my time! It’s a nice freedom to have, and I enjoy it about 90% of the time.
And yes, sometimes that other 10% haunts me. It’s those uncomfortable moments in my life as a singleton—moments where I long for more just like happily married couples long for more in their lives, too. I’m human, and I’m not always satisfied, and so I struggle with it—sometimes in anger and bitterness, sometimes in tears and rants with GOD, and sometimes in silence and withdrawal.
But for the most part, my moments of discomfort are just that—moments! They pass, and soon I’m back to my self again. These moments don’t make me a depressive or psychotic person. They make me human. After years of thinking that wanting more was a bad thing, I’ve come to terms with it. I think it’s just a reality that we all face.
Some of us don’t own up to it and feign perfect bliss. We attempt to fool ourselves into thinking that we are the last content being on this earth. Others of us tend to let that 10% dominate the other 90% as we wallow in our discontent. I’ve tried both paths and neither is healthy. I think the key is finding balance, which is easier said than done. I don’t have the answer or the 5 steps to get you there. I’ve had the balance in my life before, but I couldn’t tell you specifically how I got there. What I do know is—that it’s always best to start being honest—especially with yourself! Honesty is a good place to start.
The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t always visible—you might lose sight of it or barely catch a glimpse of it on the path ahead. But it’s still there. It’s still just ahead of you. Grab onto a friend’s hand and don’t let go…you’ll reclaim joy yet!
Most of the time, I’m quite content in my life. I imagine that some people would find my life rather dull, but that doesn’t matter to me. I love being me! I love being the crazy Aunt. I love traveling and planning events with friends and family. I love taking pictures and obsessing about them. I love making cards and scrapbooking. And quite frankly, most of the time I am quite content with the fact that I have lots of time to do those things I enjoy so very much. And what affords me such luxuries? The fact that I don’t have another someone clamoring for my attention and competing for my time! It’s a nice freedom to have, and I enjoy it about 90% of the time.
And yes, sometimes that other 10% haunts me. It’s those uncomfortable moments in my life as a singleton—moments where I long for more just like happily married couples long for more in their lives, too. I’m human, and I’m not always satisfied, and so I struggle with it—sometimes in anger and bitterness, sometimes in tears and rants with GOD, and sometimes in silence and withdrawal.
But for the most part, my moments of discomfort are just that—moments! They pass, and soon I’m back to my self again. These moments don’t make me a depressive or psychotic person. They make me human. After years of thinking that wanting more was a bad thing, I’ve come to terms with it. I think it’s just a reality that we all face.
Some of us don’t own up to it and feign perfect bliss. We attempt to fool ourselves into thinking that we are the last content being on this earth. Others of us tend to let that 10% dominate the other 90% as we wallow in our discontent. I’ve tried both paths and neither is healthy. I think the key is finding balance, which is easier said than done. I don’t have the answer or the 5 steps to get you there. I’ve had the balance in my life before, but I couldn’t tell you specifically how I got there. What I do know is—that it’s always best to start being honest—especially with yourself! Honesty is a good place to start.
The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t always visible—you might lose sight of it or barely catch a glimpse of it on the path ahead. But it’s still there. It’s still just ahead of you. Grab onto a friend’s hand and don’t let go…you’ll reclaim joy yet!
Facing Bitterness...
Over the past year to a year and a half, I’ve been noting a rise in bitterness in me—mostly involving my encounters with happy couples in my church. I see them cuddling in church, kissing each other’s necks, the guy caressing his girlfriend’s back, or the girl massaging her husband’s arm or running her fingers through his hair. Trust me—nothing is more distracting to a 30-something, completely eligible singleton than having to watch PDA in church.
I’m there at church because my Bible tells me that I need the fellowship of other believers. I’d much rather stay at home on my own and spend time on my own with GOD, but I know that I need to be there, and so I embark on this journey. I’m there to fellowship and hear from the Word of GOD. But somehow the message is being lost in the wave of distractions all around me. I find it lonelier than being at home on my own. It’s like being the only non-paired off animal on the ark. I am the missing link. I don’t have a spouse, a significant other, or even the hint of a possible other interested party.
So I hook up with my other single girlfriends, and together we face the mass of family and coupledom in a herd, and sometimes this helps. But it’s not a failsafe plan either, sometimes being in a group of people feeling the same thing, can be less constructive than you would think.
Well, I decided to be grown up about this. It was time to face it head on, and so I joined up with a small group at my church. It was sort of a “face your fears” type of scenario. In order to conquer this bitterness, I needed to deal with it straight away. I thought: Nothing will defeat this like just getting to know these happy couples. Get to know them, and maybe you won’t dislike them. You know—see them in a different light, etc.
Like I suspected, I was one of only 2 singles the first week. (And by single, I mean that we weren’t paired off or there with a significant other or prospective significant other.) There were several married couples, 2 engaged couples, and a couple of dating couples. Every one was wonderful. People were kind and considerate. The other women in the group were for the most part very warm and friendly. I started to think that I could do this. All was going well, but then I started for home, and the tears came bubbling over.
Lord, how much longer is this going to go on? I’m putting myself in this torturous position because I’m trying to conquer this bitterness—this overly cynical tone that is worsening every year. I’m facing it, Lord, but it’s really painful. HELP—please!?!
My 2nd attempt to attend a couple of weeks later, involved me driving all the way to the house where we were meeting for Bible study and doing a complete drive-by as I headed right back home. I just couldn’t do it.
The 3rd week, I arrived early and was determined to enjoy myself. Everything was going well. I was mingling. I was chatting up a storm even after the other fellow single arrived with girlfriend in tow, and the 3rd single person I had heard about (but had never met) also arrived with his new girlfriend. Lord, I’m going to keep on smiling here, but I need You right here with me please! I'm feeling more than a bit out of place now.
The Bible study went well, and dinner afterwards was going great. Then we started talking about how people had hooked up. One couple at my table got engaged right before Christmas, and I loved their story. I was truly happy for them, but inside the lingering questions that are always there in my discussions with GOD made a reappearance…When is it going to be my turn? Am I going to have my own engagement story to tell some day?
Another couple at our table had just been dating for a month, but you know how you meet a couple, and you just know that they are headed for the altar, that’s what it was like seeing them interact. Again, I was happy that they had found each other. What a great story! But again, the questions resurfaced…Why can’t I have just a fraction of that, Lord? Why are you holding back from me? I’m feeling like I’m about to drown here—help!!
I could feel my strength waning. The tears were there. One more happy story of complete bliss, and I was going to lose it. So I quietly exited the room and started gathering my stuff together. I said my goodbyes and walked to my car. The drive home was quiet for a bit, as I bit my lip and tried to hold the tears back. It’s not fun driving on country roads in the middle of winter, when your vision is blurry from your tears. But I couldn’t keep them in forever, and down they came again.
Lord, I feel like a broken record player—recounting again and again this same thing! I’ve asked you to take this desire away if You’re not going to fill it. But still it remains. How much longer, Lord? I’m nearly 32. I can’t do another 30 years on my own like this, Lord! I’m not that strong. You’ve got to take this away…I’m trying to change, Lord, but I can’t do this on my own! Help!
I made it home and washed my face and got ready for bed. But I wasn’t done ranting and raving, and I ended up crying myself to sleep. It wasn’t one of my best moments, I confess. I woke up this morning feeling a bit like Jacob did when he wrestled with GOD.
As my dear friend Kristen always says: Bitterness is never beautiful! She’s right. I know how to avoid it completely, but it’s unhealthy to act in that manner. Retreating to my island of self-dependence and solitude keeps me from bitterness, and I’m most comfortable there, but I also miss out on living my life to the fullest. It’s not my best option.
However, I’m not completely sure, that what I am doing now is really helping either. Immersing myself in the happy couple world might not exactly be what I need to do. Maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew? Maybe the cure is worse than the disease? I’ve got 2 weeks to decide my course of action, since my small group doesn’t meet again until then, and so I’ve got the time to pray and really decide what would be the best thing to do. Hmmmmm...
Stay tuned…
I’m there at church because my Bible tells me that I need the fellowship of other believers. I’d much rather stay at home on my own and spend time on my own with GOD, but I know that I need to be there, and so I embark on this journey. I’m there to fellowship and hear from the Word of GOD. But somehow the message is being lost in the wave of distractions all around me. I find it lonelier than being at home on my own. It’s like being the only non-paired off animal on the ark. I am the missing link. I don’t have a spouse, a significant other, or even the hint of a possible other interested party.
So I hook up with my other single girlfriends, and together we face the mass of family and coupledom in a herd, and sometimes this helps. But it’s not a failsafe plan either, sometimes being in a group of people feeling the same thing, can be less constructive than you would think.
Well, I decided to be grown up about this. It was time to face it head on, and so I joined up with a small group at my church. It was sort of a “face your fears” type of scenario. In order to conquer this bitterness, I needed to deal with it straight away. I thought: Nothing will defeat this like just getting to know these happy couples. Get to know them, and maybe you won’t dislike them. You know—see them in a different light, etc.
Like I suspected, I was one of only 2 singles the first week. (And by single, I mean that we weren’t paired off or there with a significant other or prospective significant other.) There were several married couples, 2 engaged couples, and a couple of dating couples. Every one was wonderful. People were kind and considerate. The other women in the group were for the most part very warm and friendly. I started to think that I could do this. All was going well, but then I started for home, and the tears came bubbling over.
Lord, how much longer is this going to go on? I’m putting myself in this torturous position because I’m trying to conquer this bitterness—this overly cynical tone that is worsening every year. I’m facing it, Lord, but it’s really painful. HELP—please!?!
My 2nd attempt to attend a couple of weeks later, involved me driving all the way to the house where we were meeting for Bible study and doing a complete drive-by as I headed right back home. I just couldn’t do it.
The 3rd week, I arrived early and was determined to enjoy myself. Everything was going well. I was mingling. I was chatting up a storm even after the other fellow single arrived with girlfriend in tow, and the 3rd single person I had heard about (but had never met) also arrived with his new girlfriend. Lord, I’m going to keep on smiling here, but I need You right here with me please! I'm feeling more than a bit out of place now.
The Bible study went well, and dinner afterwards was going great. Then we started talking about how people had hooked up. One couple at my table got engaged right before Christmas, and I loved their story. I was truly happy for them, but inside the lingering questions that are always there in my discussions with GOD made a reappearance…When is it going to be my turn? Am I going to have my own engagement story to tell some day?
Another couple at our table had just been dating for a month, but you know how you meet a couple, and you just know that they are headed for the altar, that’s what it was like seeing them interact. Again, I was happy that they had found each other. What a great story! But again, the questions resurfaced…Why can’t I have just a fraction of that, Lord? Why are you holding back from me? I’m feeling like I’m about to drown here—help!!
I could feel my strength waning. The tears were there. One more happy story of complete bliss, and I was going to lose it. So I quietly exited the room and started gathering my stuff together. I said my goodbyes and walked to my car. The drive home was quiet for a bit, as I bit my lip and tried to hold the tears back. It’s not fun driving on country roads in the middle of winter, when your vision is blurry from your tears. But I couldn’t keep them in forever, and down they came again.
Lord, I feel like a broken record player—recounting again and again this same thing! I’ve asked you to take this desire away if You’re not going to fill it. But still it remains. How much longer, Lord? I’m nearly 32. I can’t do another 30 years on my own like this, Lord! I’m not that strong. You’ve got to take this away…I’m trying to change, Lord, but I can’t do this on my own! Help!
I made it home and washed my face and got ready for bed. But I wasn’t done ranting and raving, and I ended up crying myself to sleep. It wasn’t one of my best moments, I confess. I woke up this morning feeling a bit like Jacob did when he wrestled with GOD.
As my dear friend Kristen always says: Bitterness is never beautiful! She’s right. I know how to avoid it completely, but it’s unhealthy to act in that manner. Retreating to my island of self-dependence and solitude keeps me from bitterness, and I’m most comfortable there, but I also miss out on living my life to the fullest. It’s not my best option.
However, I’m not completely sure, that what I am doing now is really helping either. Immersing myself in the happy couple world might not exactly be what I need to do. Maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew? Maybe the cure is worse than the disease? I’ve got 2 weeks to decide my course of action, since my small group doesn’t meet again until then, and so I’ve got the time to pray and really decide what would be the best thing to do. Hmmmmm...
Stay tuned…
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Marriage at ANY cost?? NAH! I don't think so...
One of my co-workers is HIGHLY intrigued by my single lifestyle. He’s the one that is always asking me if I’ve partied with Bono all weekend again or if I’ve heard from Brad (Pitt) lately. YEAH RIGHT!!! It makes me laugh.
[Truthfully, neither Bono or Brad float my boat, and come on the chances of my mingling in either of their lives…well, those odds just aren’t in my favor, now are they?!?! But it’s all rather comical to talk about in jest.]
Well, this past Thanksgiving, he invited me to join him and his family for their Thanksgiving dinner. Why did he invite me? So that he could arrange to introduce me to a friend of his who was visiting over the holiday. At first, it seemed intriguing. This particular friend sounded like a good guy. For weeks before the holiday, I heard about him, and this guy appeared to have it all—a strong faith, a brilliant mind, a successful career, good looks, a couple of comfortable homes, lots of financial independence and security, the means to travel, and a wife...Yes, you read that correctly. There’s a wife involved. A WIFE??? Yes, it was true. My co-worker was trying to set me up with a married man.
And what was his justification for that, you might ask? After all, my co-worker has been happily married to the same woman for over 20 years. I know he believes in the sanctity of marriage, and so naturally, it didn’t make sense to me.
"Well," says he in response to the look of horror on my face, "my friend is really unhappy in his marriage, Mel. He just needs the right woman to come along and push him to that breaking point."
I gasped. I was speechless! Did he seriously think that I would want to be the other woman? Apparently, this man's wife left him but hasn’t divorced him. They’ve been living apart for a couple of years now, and he hasn’t taken the final steps to divorce her. Instead, he's been trying to reconcile with his wife. And now my co-worker wanted to bring me into the picture so that I would somehow prompt this man to divorce his wife. I was blown away!
I’m not saying that I think divorce is always wrong here. In fact, I’m not quite sure where I stand on the issue. I don't know all the facts in this case, and so I wouldn't even consider advising this man on what he should do. He has to make his own decisions. As for me, the facts were clear. A married man is just that--he’s married! And until he is otherwise, he is off limits--despite other circumstances. I’m not crossing or blurring any lines just because I want a husband of my own.
I opted to spend Thanksgiving with my own family, but I confess that the whole conversation has stuck with me. I’ve replayed it over and over in my mind. As a single woman, I place a very high value on marriage. Sometimes I think I have marriage up on a pedestal above all else, which it shouldn’t be. Yes, it’s vital, but it’s not the end all. It’s not the only relationship I should be seeking, but since I don’t have it yet, it’s a sort of magical union—-a mystifying joint venture that I think about all too often. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone else to share my life with—to confide in, to go places with, to love, etc.? It’s only natural to have these desires. After all, my CREATOR gave them to me, and HE placed a great value on the importance of the marriage relationship, too. So, it is important, but maybe I dwell on it too much?
Looking back now, I can see that this situation has made me do some soul searching and has gotten me to ponder exactly how far I’m willing to go. Yes, I want to be married. I do. And even though I have these hopes and dreams to have a husband of my own one day, I don’t want it at ANY cost! As tempting as it might be, I don’t want to be the means of ruining one relationship just to secure my own happiness. I can do better than that or maybe I’m meant to stay single. Either way, there’s a line in the sand there…and I dare not cross it.
[Truthfully, neither Bono or Brad float my boat, and come on the chances of my mingling in either of their lives…well, those odds just aren’t in my favor, now are they?!?! But it’s all rather comical to talk about in jest.]
Well, this past Thanksgiving, he invited me to join him and his family for their Thanksgiving dinner. Why did he invite me? So that he could arrange to introduce me to a friend of his who was visiting over the holiday. At first, it seemed intriguing. This particular friend sounded like a good guy. For weeks before the holiday, I heard about him, and this guy appeared to have it all—a strong faith, a brilliant mind, a successful career, good looks, a couple of comfortable homes, lots of financial independence and security, the means to travel, and a wife...Yes, you read that correctly. There’s a wife involved. A WIFE??? Yes, it was true. My co-worker was trying to set me up with a married man.
And what was his justification for that, you might ask? After all, my co-worker has been happily married to the same woman for over 20 years. I know he believes in the sanctity of marriage, and so naturally, it didn’t make sense to me.
"Well," says he in response to the look of horror on my face, "my friend is really unhappy in his marriage, Mel. He just needs the right woman to come along and push him to that breaking point."
I gasped. I was speechless! Did he seriously think that I would want to be the other woman? Apparently, this man's wife left him but hasn’t divorced him. They’ve been living apart for a couple of years now, and he hasn’t taken the final steps to divorce her. Instead, he's been trying to reconcile with his wife. And now my co-worker wanted to bring me into the picture so that I would somehow prompt this man to divorce his wife. I was blown away!
I’m not saying that I think divorce is always wrong here. In fact, I’m not quite sure where I stand on the issue. I don't know all the facts in this case, and so I wouldn't even consider advising this man on what he should do. He has to make his own decisions. As for me, the facts were clear. A married man is just that--he’s married! And until he is otherwise, he is off limits--despite other circumstances. I’m not crossing or blurring any lines just because I want a husband of my own.
I opted to spend Thanksgiving with my own family, but I confess that the whole conversation has stuck with me. I’ve replayed it over and over in my mind. As a single woman, I place a very high value on marriage. Sometimes I think I have marriage up on a pedestal above all else, which it shouldn’t be. Yes, it’s vital, but it’s not the end all. It’s not the only relationship I should be seeking, but since I don’t have it yet, it’s a sort of magical union—-a mystifying joint venture that I think about all too often. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone else to share my life with—to confide in, to go places with, to love, etc.? It’s only natural to have these desires. After all, my CREATOR gave them to me, and HE placed a great value on the importance of the marriage relationship, too. So, it is important, but maybe I dwell on it too much?
Looking back now, I can see that this situation has made me do some soul searching and has gotten me to ponder exactly how far I’m willing to go. Yes, I want to be married. I do. And even though I have these hopes and dreams to have a husband of my own one day, I don’t want it at ANY cost! As tempting as it might be, I don’t want to be the means of ruining one relationship just to secure my own happiness. I can do better than that or maybe I’m meant to stay single. Either way, there’s a line in the sand there…and I dare not cross it.
Desperately Needing More Sleep...
I’m feeling really tired lately. Don’t quite know why, but I am. I leave work each night just exhausted. Things have been busy this month, and so that’s the only thing I can account for regarding this change, but I’ve been going to bed about 10 every night, and some nights I've been making myself stay up THAT long. That’s completely unlike me. I’m a night owl. The type that normally struggles with making herself crawl into bed at 11 or 11:30 on a week night. Sure, I usually suffer for it the next morning, but my body gets used to the lack of sleep eventually, and then on weekends I make up for it by sleeping in!
But with this new system, I’ve been getting about 7-8 hours of sleep every night, and this has been going on for about 2 weeks now. I’m starting to wonder if my new medication is affecting me. I guess it can cause drowsiness, but I take it right before I go to bed, and so unless it has a major 18-20 hour delay in affect, I can’t quite point a finger to it yet.
Maybe my body has finally purged the last drop of caffeine from my system, and so now I’m lagging. HA! I mean I have been off of the caffeine now for nearly 3 months. But I don’t feel less energetic necessarily. I’ve been getting ready in record time and getting to work early, too. And I haven’t really started to slow down at all. I just find myself ready for bed earlier.
Well, today a new thought crossed my mind...I’m starting to wonder if this means that I’m officially all grown up now? Does that mean that I will no longer have any fun? Am I soon going to be the type of person that starts to shut down now around 8 PM? I’m concerned...
Stay tuned for further developments!
But with this new system, I’ve been getting about 7-8 hours of sleep every night, and this has been going on for about 2 weeks now. I’m starting to wonder if my new medication is affecting me. I guess it can cause drowsiness, but I take it right before I go to bed, and so unless it has a major 18-20 hour delay in affect, I can’t quite point a finger to it yet.
Maybe my body has finally purged the last drop of caffeine from my system, and so now I’m lagging. HA! I mean I have been off of the caffeine now for nearly 3 months. But I don’t feel less energetic necessarily. I’ve been getting ready in record time and getting to work early, too. And I haven’t really started to slow down at all. I just find myself ready for bed earlier.
Well, today a new thought crossed my mind...I’m starting to wonder if this means that I’m officially all grown up now? Does that mean that I will no longer have any fun? Am I soon going to be the type of person that starts to shut down now around 8 PM? I’m concerned...
Stay tuned for further developments!
Friday, January 20, 2006
Not at All What I had Planned...It was better!
Christmas and the whole holiday season this year wasn’t exactly what I had planned. I had wanted to attend the Christmas Eve service at my church and then spend Christmas day on my own. I was looking forward to some quiet solitude, but that just didn’t happen. I ended up spending Christmas Eve with my sister and her family. They live an hour from me, and so I drove up there and spent a couple of days with them. We opened gifts, took a drive through the lighted parks, and had a lively time. And on Christmas Day, I went to church with some of my family and then spent the day at my brother’s home. It was good.
My parents came to Indiana after New Year’s for a few days. My sister brought them along with her kids and 2 of my other nieces and nephews with her to visit me at work. We all went to lunch, and then I took them around the office introducing them and thrilling Jacob with my “building.” It was fun.
And then later that week, more of my extended family got together for my Grandma’s surprise 90th birthday party. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect or who all would come, but it turned out to be a wonderful day! My Grandma was surprised, and our whole family got a shock as well by the arrival of my Grandma’s only living sister, Carol Jean. She walked in and gave us all a start! There were happy tears all around the room. The whole day was incredible, and I know it meant a great deal to my Grandma. It was spectacular.
The next day, the newest member of our family, baby Grace, was having her baby dedication, and most of those gathered for my Grandma’s party made the drive to Peru for the occasion. The dedication was a special moment for all of us as we watched Barbara and Jonathan present their new baby to GOD and ask for his help and strength in raising up this tiny creature for HIS service. After the service, everyone came to my brother’s house for a large family meal. I got to visit with my Aunt and Uncle and 2 of my younger cousins that I haven’t seen in more than 10 years. And there was never a dull moment around the table and in the family room as we all chatted and took pictures. Several times, it was like the paparazzi around the red carpet as several of us took snapshots all at once. The whole experience was reminiscent of old family get-togethers from years gone by. It was all a delight.
Later that day, I left and made the drive back to Indianapolis and entered my small empty 1-bedroom apartment with a big sigh. I had planned on more solitude, on getting more cards made, more scrapbooking done; but it just hadn’t happened that way. In fact, my vacation and extended holiday season was not at all what I had planned…it was better.
My parents came to Indiana after New Year’s for a few days. My sister brought them along with her kids and 2 of my other nieces and nephews with her to visit me at work. We all went to lunch, and then I took them around the office introducing them and thrilling Jacob with my “building.” It was fun.
And then later that week, more of my extended family got together for my Grandma’s surprise 90th birthday party. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect or who all would come, but it turned out to be a wonderful day! My Grandma was surprised, and our whole family got a shock as well by the arrival of my Grandma’s only living sister, Carol Jean. She walked in and gave us all a start! There were happy tears all around the room. The whole day was incredible, and I know it meant a great deal to my Grandma. It was spectacular.
The next day, the newest member of our family, baby Grace, was having her baby dedication, and most of those gathered for my Grandma’s party made the drive to Peru for the occasion. The dedication was a special moment for all of us as we watched Barbara and Jonathan present their new baby to GOD and ask for his help and strength in raising up this tiny creature for HIS service. After the service, everyone came to my brother’s house for a large family meal. I got to visit with my Aunt and Uncle and 2 of my younger cousins that I haven’t seen in more than 10 years. And there was never a dull moment around the table and in the family room as we all chatted and took pictures. Several times, it was like the paparazzi around the red carpet as several of us took snapshots all at once. The whole experience was reminiscent of old family get-togethers from years gone by. It was all a delight.
Later that day, I left and made the drive back to Indianapolis and entered my small empty 1-bedroom apartment with a big sigh. I had planned on more solitude, on getting more cards made, more scrapbooking done; but it just hadn’t happened that way. In fact, my vacation and extended holiday season was not at all what I had planned…it was better.
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