I'm considering getting my phone disconnected or my phone number changed or something. My phone has been ringing a lot lately, and now I've completely stopped answering my phone period. [So if you call, please leave a message, and I’ll get back to you.] I'm sure people have valid reasons for calling, but they aren't leaving messages, and I just figure that if it is important, they will leave a message. And since my phone has been ringing and ringing a lot lately, I’m trying to keep my sanity level stable!
Why is it that people don’t like answering machines or voice mail anyway? I don’t get it. I love both. But then I’d much prefer an email or writing someone a letter or actually being face to face with someone over a phone conversation. So phone mail messages work well for me. It’s quick, easy and to-the-point. I like that.
It’s not that I hate talking on the phone. It’s just that I'm in a creative phase right now (i.e. my living room floor is once again covered with card layouts, papers, etc.) And like other creative types will tell you, it’s hard to stop the creative juices to take a phone call. I can’t do it. I’ll lose my train of thought. And since, it's not every day that I have this creative buzz going on, I like to work while I feel this good about it.
I'm sure part of this is a selfish impulse and the old hermit drive that is alive and well in my spirit. I can't deny that THAT is part of me. I love being on my own. I really do. I arrive home at night and cry “SANCTUARY.” I try to relax and unwind after a long tasking day only to be inundated with phone calls….not all that different from what I experienced all day at work. So forgive me if I don’t pick up your call or if I delay at calling you back. I’m OK. I’m not depressed. I just need space!
I'm not hiding away. I'm back volunteering at the IMA, volunteering at my church this spring and summer and getting involved once again with my singles group, etc. I'm very active right now. I'm stretching myself out again with other things. And so it would be wrong to say that I’ve become a complete hermit that is avoiding people. That’s just not true! The reality is that I’m reemerging from my cocoon and adjusting to my new wings. But like all butterflies, I need space to fly. And this butterfly [or moth, if you will] just needs some time on her own, too. We all do.
I'm feeling content again for the first time in a few months, and I’m happy with who I am and where I am. And I'm not quite sure how to get that message across without hurting people...is it not a good thing to be content alone? Why must it always be considered selfish?
Yes, "no man is an island." I get that. I must interact with others, and believe me when I say that I’m getting plenty of interaction with other people. I’m rarely alone these days. But when I do have a moment to myself, I've stopped trying to fill it with busy activities to pass away the time. I’m just learning to once again enjoy those rare moments of solitude. After all, we are each responsible for our own happiness. I can’t live off the happiness of others alone. I have to make my own, too. And this is me happy!
So, I think the whole cell phone idea is moot. I mean I don’t like to be interrupted now as it is. Imagine if I had a cell phone…it would only be worse. Maybe some of the pleasures of being unavailable are lost on some people, but not all of us want to be found all the time!
Not quite like the small, square yellow sticky notes at all really...think legal size post-its!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
The Quick Scan and See...
I call it the quick scan and see. It’s that initial sight check to determine if there is a significant other [better stated: does the man have a ring on his left hand?] And I’ve been catching myself “checking” more often lately, and I’m not quite sure why.
Maybe it’s a rise in hormones—an insurgence in estrogen or some other hormone that has me more keenly interested in scoping out the current stats of males I encounter. Or maybe it’s that biological clock that is tick-tocking as I write this! Time is running out on my body, and I know it. Or perhaps it’s just simply a change of venue—I’m working at a bigger company now, and I’m encountering more people every day, and it’s just that environment change that has me noticing more. Or maybe it’s just something else! Whatever the reason for the growth in my “quick scan and see” scoping, it has me laughing!
I’m single and I’d like to be married. [There I said it. WHEW! What a load off my mind!!] So when I meet people, it’s natural for me to be curious about their marital state…especially if they are interesting. The trouble is that lately I think EVERY ONE is interesting!
Maybe he has an awesome laugh, a winsome nature, and an incredible smile that catches me off guard!
Maybe he’s more of a loner, off by himself during lunch and pensively deep in thought and I wonder what keeps him so occupied!
Maybe he’s a brilliant scientist that reminds me of an absent-minded professor--in need of a serious over-haul on his wardrobe and schedule, but so incredibly smart that it's hard not to be intrigued!
Or maybe one random day 2 months back, he sat and talked to me for 10 minutes while I was sitting on my own, and I can’t seem to help wondering more about him. What makes him tick, what does he like, what makes him laugh, what are his hopes and dreams, does he like chocolate or vanilla? [Oops!! I launched from hypothetical to reality there. AHEM!]
To sum up, I’m finding lots of people to be interested in, and I’m feeling a bit unfocused at the moment. Some days I drift away from the lunch table repartee as I scope out the room or look for a somewhat familiar face. Often my patient co-workers catch me and retrieve me back to the subject at hand with a laugh.
And it is comical, I admit. I suppose I could be making better use of my time some days rather than always scoping for that special someone, but at least I admit that this is where I am at, and that has to count for something.
Maybe it’s a rise in hormones—an insurgence in estrogen or some other hormone that has me more keenly interested in scoping out the current stats of males I encounter. Or maybe it’s that biological clock that is tick-tocking as I write this! Time is running out on my body, and I know it. Or perhaps it’s just simply a change of venue—I’m working at a bigger company now, and I’m encountering more people every day, and it’s just that environment change that has me noticing more. Or maybe it’s just something else! Whatever the reason for the growth in my “quick scan and see” scoping, it has me laughing!
I’m single and I’d like to be married. [There I said it. WHEW! What a load off my mind!!] So when I meet people, it’s natural for me to be curious about their marital state…especially if they are interesting. The trouble is that lately I think EVERY ONE is interesting!
Maybe he has an awesome laugh, a winsome nature, and an incredible smile that catches me off guard!
Maybe he’s more of a loner, off by himself during lunch and pensively deep in thought and I wonder what keeps him so occupied!
Maybe he’s a brilliant scientist that reminds me of an absent-minded professor--in need of a serious over-haul on his wardrobe and schedule, but so incredibly smart that it's hard not to be intrigued!
Or maybe one random day 2 months back, he sat and talked to me for 10 minutes while I was sitting on my own, and I can’t seem to help wondering more about him. What makes him tick, what does he like, what makes him laugh, what are his hopes and dreams, does he like chocolate or vanilla? [Oops!! I launched from hypothetical to reality there. AHEM!]
To sum up, I’m finding lots of people to be interested in, and I’m feeling a bit unfocused at the moment. Some days I drift away from the lunch table repartee as I scope out the room or look for a somewhat familiar face. Often my patient co-workers catch me and retrieve me back to the subject at hand with a laugh.
And it is comical, I admit. I suppose I could be making better use of my time some days rather than always scoping for that special someone, but at least I admit that this is where I am at, and that has to count for something.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Organized Spontaneity...it's possible, right?
I’ve been musing lately about my organizational skills. I’m so organized with my bills—what is due, when to pay, etc.; I’ve got a monthly plan of what to recorder on my VCR; and I usually have to schedule getting together with friends days or weeks in advance. I just like to plan in advance. People laugh at me, but I’m not a naturally spontaneous girl. Spontaneity to me means arranging plans the week of an event! I’m wired for a schedule.
I think I’ve always been a bit of an organized anal freak in some sort of fashion…whether it meant sorting my jelly beans and eating them alphabetically by color, arranging my closet by color with sections for dress or casual wear, or creating a comprehensive alphabetic list of all my DVDs and videos…I like to have things in order. I’m not quite OCD about it, but there is some potential for it.
However, the one thing I can't seem to organize is my personal life—as in planning for marriage! No matter how hard I try, there’s not a lot I can ahead of time. I mean, realistically how much planning can a single woman do on the subject? I mean if there isn’t even a man in the picture, I don’t have any business picking out the ring. And without a ring, I really shouldn’t have my bridesmaids lined up yet and be setting a date. And without a date, I really shouldn’t be reserving the church and talking over the menu with a caterer. So see, there’s not a lot I can do now, and that fact sometimes irks me. I can’t even plan on it happening!
I was joking with a friend recently that I’ve been on a card-making craze lately. Seriously, I’ve made over 300 homemade greeting cards in the past month, and with no end in sight (since I am still really enjoying my work on them), I told her that I was going to start working on my wedding Thank You cards now. After all, I have the time to make them now and wouldn’t it save me and my future mate money when the time comes?!? And since I think it might be a bit much to start working on my wedding invitations instead, I joked that starting on making thank you cards was more practical! I’m sure she just thought I was nuts!
But it’s a real fact of my life! I joke about it, but the truth is that there isn’t any sign of a man in my life. And sometimes, I’m curious what to do about it. I mean what is a single girl to do? Where is that line in the sand between doing too much to secure your own happiness and letting GOD work it out for you? And without seeing the future and what lies ahead, it’s hard some days for a planning girl to know what to do! But I think I’m starting to see past it now…
In my mid to late twenties, I was still in what I call my “what-if” stage. I’d make plans with people, schedule vacations, etc. but in the back of my mind, a little voice would be saying: “I can make those plans, but if something better comes along, I can change my plans…” Well, those days are gone now! I’ve become far more independent. I’m less dependent on the what-ifs or the possibilities of what could happen. I schedule days, weeks and sometimes months in advance for the real people that are all around me. I’m interacting with them all the time. And should that someone special enter my life, I’m hoping I still have room for him because I won’t be breaking my weekend get-away with girlfriends or canceling all my other plans just because he exists.
I guess I’ve stopped pretending with my self that I need to leave space for him to fit in should he ever see fit to come upon the scene. I’m filling that space up! And if he does come along, he’ll find me living a full life. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be space for him at all. He’ll just be another part of my life…a part I am still hoping for, but not an empty space that I’m reserving should he ever arrive. I’m through holding a seat for him when there is so much more I could be doing! There are some things you can’t be ready for…some things that are still going to catch you off guard. And as an over-planner, it kills me that I can’t have all my ducks in a row for my future. But then, nothing outside of GOD’s love is really certain anyway.
And while I’m still that anal retentive girl that does plan months in advance, I think I’m softening a little...a very little maybe. I’ll never be a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants girl. Not gonna happen! But some days, I’m open to throwing aside my organized life and running out the door, camera in hand, ready to explore my world.
Am I ready to completely give up my organized life for some carefree mayhem? Will I toss my calendar aside for a maintenance-free lifestyle? NAH! Don't hold your breath!
However, I am going to plan for some spontaneity now and then and see what happens!
I think I’ve always been a bit of an organized anal freak in some sort of fashion…whether it meant sorting my jelly beans and eating them alphabetically by color, arranging my closet by color with sections for dress or casual wear, or creating a comprehensive alphabetic list of all my DVDs and videos…I like to have things in order. I’m not quite OCD about it, but there is some potential for it.
However, the one thing I can't seem to organize is my personal life—as in planning for marriage! No matter how hard I try, there’s not a lot I can ahead of time. I mean, realistically how much planning can a single woman do on the subject? I mean if there isn’t even a man in the picture, I don’t have any business picking out the ring. And without a ring, I really shouldn’t have my bridesmaids lined up yet and be setting a date. And without a date, I really shouldn’t be reserving the church and talking over the menu with a caterer. So see, there’s not a lot I can do now, and that fact sometimes irks me. I can’t even plan on it happening!
I was joking with a friend recently that I’ve been on a card-making craze lately. Seriously, I’ve made over 300 homemade greeting cards in the past month, and with no end in sight (since I am still really enjoying my work on them), I told her that I was going to start working on my wedding Thank You cards now. After all, I have the time to make them now and wouldn’t it save me and my future mate money when the time comes?!? And since I think it might be a bit much to start working on my wedding invitations instead, I joked that starting on making thank you cards was more practical! I’m sure she just thought I was nuts!
But it’s a real fact of my life! I joke about it, but the truth is that there isn’t any sign of a man in my life. And sometimes, I’m curious what to do about it. I mean what is a single girl to do? Where is that line in the sand between doing too much to secure your own happiness and letting GOD work it out for you? And without seeing the future and what lies ahead, it’s hard some days for a planning girl to know what to do! But I think I’m starting to see past it now…
In my mid to late twenties, I was still in what I call my “what-if” stage. I’d make plans with people, schedule vacations, etc. but in the back of my mind, a little voice would be saying: “I can make those plans, but if something better comes along, I can change my plans…” Well, those days are gone now! I’ve become far more independent. I’m less dependent on the what-ifs or the possibilities of what could happen. I schedule days, weeks and sometimes months in advance for the real people that are all around me. I’m interacting with them all the time. And should that someone special enter my life, I’m hoping I still have room for him because I won’t be breaking my weekend get-away with girlfriends or canceling all my other plans just because he exists.
I guess I’ve stopped pretending with my self that I need to leave space for him to fit in should he ever see fit to come upon the scene. I’m filling that space up! And if he does come along, he’ll find me living a full life. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be space for him at all. He’ll just be another part of my life…a part I am still hoping for, but not an empty space that I’m reserving should he ever arrive. I’m through holding a seat for him when there is so much more I could be doing! There are some things you can’t be ready for…some things that are still going to catch you off guard. And as an over-planner, it kills me that I can’t have all my ducks in a row for my future. But then, nothing outside of GOD’s love is really certain anyway.
And while I’m still that anal retentive girl that does plan months in advance, I think I’m softening a little...a very little maybe. I’ll never be a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants girl. Not gonna happen! But some days, I’m open to throwing aside my organized life and running out the door, camera in hand, ready to explore my world.
Am I ready to completely give up my organized life for some carefree mayhem? Will I toss my calendar aside for a maintenance-free lifestyle? NAH! Don't hold your breath!
However, I am going to plan for some spontaneity now and then and see what happens!
Monday, February 14, 2005
My Life as a Chic Flick!
There's an old family joke about me. I don't remember actually when it started or what set it off as a comedic precedent, but I must have remarked somewhere along my journey that my life was so much like a movie.
I guess it has to do with my analytical brain. I tend to take every novel, every poem, every movie, every TV episode and apply it to my life. It's not a big deal except when I get obsessed like I have a tendency to do and over-analyze a film. Such was the case with Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea and Dead Poets Society. Those are 3 films that come to mind from my high school days...and are probably related to the family joke.
The truth is that I continue to analyze films and novels every day. I keep a journal of good quotes...a bit odd perhaps, but I love a good line and if I watch a thought provoking film or read a brillian novel, I'll progressively think it through for days. Guess words really are my ON button! And in all actuality, I'm probably not all that different from most people...I just get more carried away with it. I can't turn my brain off sometimes, and it keeps me up late at night as I continue to delve deeper and deeper.
All of us can't help but see things through our own lenses. Every film, every TV episode, everything ever written whether prose or poetry is filtered through each person differently...that is unless we have managed to become mindless and merely flip through what we watch or read with little internalization, but even that person is still filtering what they see or hear in one form or another. Refusing to think on something deeper is still a filter! And so while one person gleans one thing from a sonnet, another person can gain something different upon hearing the same verse.
And so now, back to the present, I've watched a couple of films recently and have pulled out my favorite bits and clung to them. One line from The Wedding Date struck me with it's incredible emotion.
"I'd miss you even if we'd never met."
Ironic and poignant isn't it? I love that line. It brought to heart my recent blog about how I'm longing to share with my own special someone. It summed up what I had to use 500+ words to say...I miss him. I don't know him, I doubt we've ever met, but I miss him all the same! It is possible to miss someone you haven't met...
In I Capture the Castle, a British film I purchased, the young heroine ends the film with a reflective thought...
"I love. I have loved. I will love."
I think its a beautiful line that sums up deliciously the cycles of the human spirit. A delicate hope of more to come without lingering in the past or ignoring the present. I like that.
Today is Valentine's Day, aka Single Awareness Day or S.A.D. I think I took this day off as a sick day last year...and rightly so, what else should a single girl over 30 do on the one day of the year where people are celebrating what I am lacking? But the truth is, I'm not lacking it and this year, I'm feeling better about the whole thing. I have wonderful co-workers that are helping me finish off my chocolate stash and get all the sugar out of my house. I have a darling sister that sent me a lovely card to remind me that I am loved. And I spent my Saturday night before V-day with some of my dearest girlfriends in the world. We laughed and cried together over chic flicks and inhaled more sugar than 1 person should have in a year, but it was all good. I'm blessed. I truly am.
So today I'm at work. There's a whole week ahead of me. And while I can't see tomorrow and don't know if there is a man on the horizon, I see today as it is...a day of love. A day to show love to others and to be reminded of those in my life that I love and am loved by.
I love. I have loved. And I WILL KEEP loving.
I guess it has to do with my analytical brain. I tend to take every novel, every poem, every movie, every TV episode and apply it to my life. It's not a big deal except when I get obsessed like I have a tendency to do and over-analyze a film. Such was the case with Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea and Dead Poets Society. Those are 3 films that come to mind from my high school days...and are probably related to the family joke.
The truth is that I continue to analyze films and novels every day. I keep a journal of good quotes...a bit odd perhaps, but I love a good line and if I watch a thought provoking film or read a brillian novel, I'll progressively think it through for days. Guess words really are my ON button! And in all actuality, I'm probably not all that different from most people...I just get more carried away with it. I can't turn my brain off sometimes, and it keeps me up late at night as I continue to delve deeper and deeper.
All of us can't help but see things through our own lenses. Every film, every TV episode, everything ever written whether prose or poetry is filtered through each person differently...that is unless we have managed to become mindless and merely flip through what we watch or read with little internalization, but even that person is still filtering what they see or hear in one form or another. Refusing to think on something deeper is still a filter! And so while one person gleans one thing from a sonnet, another person can gain something different upon hearing the same verse.
And so now, back to the present, I've watched a couple of films recently and have pulled out my favorite bits and clung to them. One line from The Wedding Date struck me with it's incredible emotion.
"I'd miss you even if we'd never met."
Ironic and poignant isn't it? I love that line. It brought to heart my recent blog about how I'm longing to share with my own special someone. It summed up what I had to use 500+ words to say...I miss him. I don't know him, I doubt we've ever met, but I miss him all the same! It is possible to miss someone you haven't met...
In I Capture the Castle, a British film I purchased, the young heroine ends the film with a reflective thought...
"I love. I have loved. I will love."
I think its a beautiful line that sums up deliciously the cycles of the human spirit. A delicate hope of more to come without lingering in the past or ignoring the present. I like that.
Today is Valentine's Day, aka Single Awareness Day or S.A.D. I think I took this day off as a sick day last year...and rightly so, what else should a single girl over 30 do on the one day of the year where people are celebrating what I am lacking? But the truth is, I'm not lacking it and this year, I'm feeling better about the whole thing. I have wonderful co-workers that are helping me finish off my chocolate stash and get all the sugar out of my house. I have a darling sister that sent me a lovely card to remind me that I am loved. And I spent my Saturday night before V-day with some of my dearest girlfriends in the world. We laughed and cried together over chic flicks and inhaled more sugar than 1 person should have in a year, but it was all good. I'm blessed. I truly am.
So today I'm at work. There's a whole week ahead of me. And while I can't see tomorrow and don't know if there is a man on the horizon, I see today as it is...a day of love. A day to show love to others and to be reminded of those in my life that I love and am loved by.
I love. I have loved. And I WILL KEEP loving.
Friday, February 4, 2005
Is It Time To Share Yet...
I've asked friends before if they are dying to share stuff with their future spouse. And the reaction I usually get is rather comical! I think they instantly question my sanity. I don't mean it to be a reflection of madness, but apparently, it hints at my delusional state or something.
That doesn't change my desire. I still long to share with him. In college, I started a journal for him to read, but I wasn't very good at keeping it up. I guess to me, Communication is vital! I want to be known deeply by that special someone. And I don't mean that we will have regular discussions on Nietzsche or Voltaire...I just mean that I want a relationship of mutual sharing. I want to find a kindred spirit that I can share my life with.
Thus there are moments, and I confess that I have a lot of them, where I am eager to share with him. Some days, I'm bursting at the seams to recount a humorous moment in my day, to give him the 4-1-1 on a person he hasn't met yet, to discuss my favorite ice cream, etc. Maybe that sounds warped, but it's not really a need to talk about myself as much as it is an eagerness to share myself with someone. I'm eager to share my memories, my dreams, my thoughts and just as anxious to hear his!
I've been blessed with several incredible friendships over the years. One with the person nearest and dearest to my heart--my sister. If any ONE person really knows the real me--my sister does. She has seen me at my best and worst. She has heard nearly every story there is to tell. She's listened patiently to the drama of my life unfold. I'm so thankful for her presence in my life, and me wanting to share with someone other, doesn't take away from that communion of spirit and openness in my relationship with her. I simply want my own other self!
The longing to share builds when I go home to Michigan or spend time with my family. I have watched in amusement as my sister showed her husband Jonathan all her old haunts--the Lexington pier, the Swinging Bridge, the pen aisle at Ben Franklin's, the chunk missing from the foundation of our house [AHEM!], etc.
I long to do the same. I want to introduce him to the Croswell Stockyards, walk with him along the Blue Water Bridge, take him out for a bike ride around my old neighborhood. I want to introduce him to my family--see him laugh with my sister, play games with my nieces and nephews, and listen thoughtfully to my Mom. I want to share my favorite spots in Indianapolis with him--take walks through the historic district, stroll through Holliday park, tour the Indianapolis Museum of Art and wander through the gardens there. I'm a simple girl. I don't need a lot. I just want to share my life with someone else!
I want to hear his stories, too. I want to know what it was like for him growing up, who his first crush was, what his favorite place to visit is, etc. I want to meet his family, see his hometown, and visit his favorite places. It's not an obsession with the past, but more of a thirst for knowledge. Your past is your past...but it has also shaped who you are now and who you are growing into. I want to hear about him!
When it comes to photos, I imagine that I'm probably going to scare the poor man should he ever come upon the scene. I'll be so ready to share that I'll freak him out. Here's my babybook. Here's the book from my weekend in DC. Here's book 1 of 3 from my week long vacation in Charleston, etc. I love my photo albums, and I think it's rather obvious that I enjoy putting them together. They are definitely something I do for me! But sometimes, I'm just as eager to share them with him. I want to explain the story behind a silly snapshot, to point out how this person or that person is connected to me, to describe what was happening in the scene, etc.
And so I continue on my journey--reveling in the happy moments of the present, chronicling the travels of my past, and occasionally letting myself dream of the future. It's my hope to share the past, present and future with him. I just hope he arrives soon before the madness takes me completely over...
That doesn't change my desire. I still long to share with him. In college, I started a journal for him to read, but I wasn't very good at keeping it up. I guess to me, Communication is vital! I want to be known deeply by that special someone. And I don't mean that we will have regular discussions on Nietzsche or Voltaire...I just mean that I want a relationship of mutual sharing. I want to find a kindred spirit that I can share my life with.
Thus there are moments, and I confess that I have a lot of them, where I am eager to share with him. Some days, I'm bursting at the seams to recount a humorous moment in my day, to give him the 4-1-1 on a person he hasn't met yet, to discuss my favorite ice cream, etc. Maybe that sounds warped, but it's not really a need to talk about myself as much as it is an eagerness to share myself with someone. I'm eager to share my memories, my dreams, my thoughts and just as anxious to hear his!
I've been blessed with several incredible friendships over the years. One with the person nearest and dearest to my heart--my sister. If any ONE person really knows the real me--my sister does. She has seen me at my best and worst. She has heard nearly every story there is to tell. She's listened patiently to the drama of my life unfold. I'm so thankful for her presence in my life, and me wanting to share with someone other, doesn't take away from that communion of spirit and openness in my relationship with her. I simply want my own other self!
The longing to share builds when I go home to Michigan or spend time with my family. I have watched in amusement as my sister showed her husband Jonathan all her old haunts--the Lexington pier, the Swinging Bridge, the pen aisle at Ben Franklin's, the chunk missing from the foundation of our house [AHEM!], etc.
I long to do the same. I want to introduce him to the Croswell Stockyards, walk with him along the Blue Water Bridge, take him out for a bike ride around my old neighborhood. I want to introduce him to my family--see him laugh with my sister, play games with my nieces and nephews, and listen thoughtfully to my Mom. I want to share my favorite spots in Indianapolis with him--take walks through the historic district, stroll through Holliday park, tour the Indianapolis Museum of Art and wander through the gardens there. I'm a simple girl. I don't need a lot. I just want to share my life with someone else!
I want to hear his stories, too. I want to know what it was like for him growing up, who his first crush was, what his favorite place to visit is, etc. I want to meet his family, see his hometown, and visit his favorite places. It's not an obsession with the past, but more of a thirst for knowledge. Your past is your past...but it has also shaped who you are now and who you are growing into. I want to hear about him!
When it comes to photos, I imagine that I'm probably going to scare the poor man should he ever come upon the scene. I'll be so ready to share that I'll freak him out. Here's my babybook. Here's the book from my weekend in DC. Here's book 1 of 3 from my week long vacation in Charleston, etc. I love my photo albums, and I think it's rather obvious that I enjoy putting them together. They are definitely something I do for me! But sometimes, I'm just as eager to share them with him. I want to explain the story behind a silly snapshot, to point out how this person or that person is connected to me, to describe what was happening in the scene, etc.
And so I continue on my journey--reveling in the happy moments of the present, chronicling the travels of my past, and occasionally letting myself dream of the future. It's my hope to share the past, present and future with him. I just hope he arrives soon before the madness takes me completely over...
Thursday, January 13, 2005
How do YOU like your eggs?
I shocked a friend recently when I told her that I didn’t have a list--a list of what I was looking for in a potential mate. It’s not the first time that I’ve caught friends off guard by revealing my lack of planning in the area of dating. I mean some girls just seem to know what they want...
He needs to be so tall, have X amount of money, be a gentleman, etc....
And while I can appreciate their willingness to list out the qualities they are looking for, I’m not so much into pinpointing exactly what captures my heart maybe because I actually just don’t know. I guess my philosophy is simply that I’ll know what’s for me and what’s not for me when it happens, and that’s been what I’ve been living by. It’s the ONE thing I’m spontaneous about. Me--the ultimate planner, the organized freak, the detail queen--I’ve just been sitting back on this one. I guess this is one area of my life that I don’t seem to be completely in control over, and I’ve certainly never written down a LIST. It’s too risky.
I fear putting it down on paper. Seeing my thoughts on paper like that would taunt me. I’d have to face who I am and what I want, and that seems to be constantly changing! So why make a list? What was attractive yesterday might be repulsive tomorrow! And should someone come into my life, I don’t want to cut him out instantly because he doesn’t fit into my 12-point checklist. Yes, I believe that there are things that you can’t waiver on--such as faith and relationships with GOD, a person's overall character, and other foundational things like that. But as for the rest, I’m afraid to think about it too much. I guess you could call me a cynical idealist. I believe that the ideals in my head can exist but ONLY in my head. Once on paper, they diminish rather quickly and somebody else’s list starts to look even better than my own.
Runaway Bride haunts me! Julia Roberts’s character in the movie tends to change who she is and what she likes with the man she is dating or rather leaving at the altar. Richard Gere’s character confronts her about eggs and how she has changed her favorite style of eggs with each man she has been involved with. He challenges her to take a deep look at herself and determine who she is on her own before she can define what she likes and dislikes. I can see lots of truth in that, and I’ve thought about it more than I care to recount.
Now for me, there hasn’t been all that much chance for experimentation on eggs. My dating life has pretty much been non-existent. There have been a few dates here and there, but I’ve never seriously dated. Never really been in what I would call a relationship! I’ve had as many as 3 dates with the same guy, but all my dating “attempts” have had one thing in common. Every guy that has come into my life has been looking for someone else. Oh, a couple of them have thought I WAS that someone else, but I wasn’t, and I knew it right away before they did, and so it didn’t go anywhere.
And so I guess you could say that I don’t exactly know how I like my eggs! [OK, actually, the eggs, I have down. Fried, over hard, don’t break the yokes, a little bit of salt and pepper, and it’s all good!] But with guys, I don’t know exactly what floats my boat.
My ideal changes too often. I can’t decide whether he should be tall or short, thin or bulky, bearded or bald, type-A or melancholy, aggressive or complacent. He’s Vin Diesel one day--the eye candy tough guy with a softer side if you just get to know him better. He’s Bill Murray the next day--not a lot to look at, but he makes you laugh. He’s Clive Owen the following day--tall, attractive and smuggly British.
His personality changes regularly, too. Sometimes, my ideal is the adventurous life of the party. Next, he’s the reclusive thinker that challenges me and dares me to dig deeper. Other times, he’s the man of mystery that keeps me guessing. Still other days, he’s the quiet caring man who would give the shirt off his back if he could.
Combine all those ideals, and if you’ll forgive me for saying so, you get a real “scrambled” mess. The irony is that I can’t commit on the subject of what I am looking for! So for now, I choose not to draft my list. It’s safer that way...
He needs to be so tall, have X amount of money, be a gentleman, etc....
And while I can appreciate their willingness to list out the qualities they are looking for, I’m not so much into pinpointing exactly what captures my heart maybe because I actually just don’t know. I guess my philosophy is simply that I’ll know what’s for me and what’s not for me when it happens, and that’s been what I’ve been living by. It’s the ONE thing I’m spontaneous about. Me--the ultimate planner, the organized freak, the detail queen--I’ve just been sitting back on this one. I guess this is one area of my life that I don’t seem to be completely in control over, and I’ve certainly never written down a LIST. It’s too risky.
I fear putting it down on paper. Seeing my thoughts on paper like that would taunt me. I’d have to face who I am and what I want, and that seems to be constantly changing! So why make a list? What was attractive yesterday might be repulsive tomorrow! And should someone come into my life, I don’t want to cut him out instantly because he doesn’t fit into my 12-point checklist. Yes, I believe that there are things that you can’t waiver on--such as faith and relationships with GOD, a person's overall character, and other foundational things like that. But as for the rest, I’m afraid to think about it too much. I guess you could call me a cynical idealist. I believe that the ideals in my head can exist but ONLY in my head. Once on paper, they diminish rather quickly and somebody else’s list starts to look even better than my own.
Runaway Bride haunts me! Julia Roberts’s character in the movie tends to change who she is and what she likes with the man she is dating or rather leaving at the altar. Richard Gere’s character confronts her about eggs and how she has changed her favorite style of eggs with each man she has been involved with. He challenges her to take a deep look at herself and determine who she is on her own before she can define what she likes and dislikes. I can see lots of truth in that, and I’ve thought about it more than I care to recount.
Now for me, there hasn’t been all that much chance for experimentation on eggs. My dating life has pretty much been non-existent. There have been a few dates here and there, but I’ve never seriously dated. Never really been in what I would call a relationship! I’ve had as many as 3 dates with the same guy, but all my dating “attempts” have had one thing in common. Every guy that has come into my life has been looking for someone else. Oh, a couple of them have thought I WAS that someone else, but I wasn’t, and I knew it right away before they did, and so it didn’t go anywhere.
And so I guess you could say that I don’t exactly know how I like my eggs! [OK, actually, the eggs, I have down. Fried, over hard, don’t break the yokes, a little bit of salt and pepper, and it’s all good!] But with guys, I don’t know exactly what floats my boat.
My ideal changes too often. I can’t decide whether he should be tall or short, thin or bulky, bearded or bald, type-A or melancholy, aggressive or complacent. He’s Vin Diesel one day--the eye candy tough guy with a softer side if you just get to know him better. He’s Bill Murray the next day--not a lot to look at, but he makes you laugh. He’s Clive Owen the following day--tall, attractive and smuggly British.
His personality changes regularly, too. Sometimes, my ideal is the adventurous life of the party. Next, he’s the reclusive thinker that challenges me and dares me to dig deeper. Other times, he’s the man of mystery that keeps me guessing. Still other days, he’s the quiet caring man who would give the shirt off his back if he could.
Combine all those ideals, and if you’ll forgive me for saying so, you get a real “scrambled” mess. The irony is that I can’t commit on the subject of what I am looking for! So for now, I choose not to draft my list. It’s safer that way...
Friday, January 7, 2005
The Buzz About Intelligence
My friend Kristen called me earlier this week to tell me the news. She was right to tell me. I needed to know even though it pained me to hear it! But the word is out now...We both know why neither one of us are married. We've got yet another "strike" against us if you will. We're too intelligent.
Not too intelligent for marriage itself, per se. Fact is, we both want it. We're not avoiding it because we're against it or running madly from it. We're not ultra-feminists here campaigning against marriage. The opposite is true. We're fans of the GOD-inspired union of marriage. Longingly, both of us carry torches of hope to one day find a match of our own. So, it's not for a lack of desire for it...BRING IT!
The most recent revelation in a British study is that women prefer brains over brawn. I guess I’d have to agree with that. I mean it's not true of all women, but for most of us, it's true! We like to be stimulated mentally. Physically you can captivate us with your fine physique, but if you don’t get inside our heads, it’s not going to last. So I don’t necessarily disagree with the study. But what caught me as a sad comment about our society was that the study indicated that while women with higher IQs struggled to find a prospective mate, men of equal rank in IQ didn't have the same struggle to find a bride. It makes me wonder...
I could blame it all on the men. I mean we all know that men will settle for any girl that looks good in a bikini regardless of her IQ, and so no wonder men with higher IQs have no trouble marrying. They aren’t looking for intelligence when they look for a mate. Right? Hmmmm….OK, so while that's true of some men, I KNOW it isn't true about all men--intelligent or not. There are decent guys out there who are very much into intelligent women. My sister married one! And so maybe we can't blame it all on the men...
I don't know what my IQ is, and I don't care to know. [Frankly, I've never liked those tests anyway. Who cares which circle comes next in the series? I mean does anybody really use that information in the real world? I've never had it come up on the job...Hey, Mel, which circle formation would follow these three? We've got a client on the phone and he needs to know for that TPS report... YAH! Like that's gonna happen!] But I am a college graduate. [As if that really means anything here. It just means that I managed to pass enough classes to get a piece of paper that declares me educated on some subject matters.]
I read a lot (not as much as I should). I love to write. I enjoy intelligent conversations and discussions. All these things are true about me, but I've never really considered myself brilliant or super smart really. I'm just educated, and I have a thirst for knowledge and not all of that is useful either. For example, I hate the news. I realize that a journalist should enjoy keeping up on current events and like to stay aware of what is happening in the world around her, but I'm not all that great with current topics. I'm better with history. I get mesmerized by any program on ancient Egypt, the kings and queens of Europe or architecture. But ask me for an opinion on current politics, and this girl (who graduated with a political science minor) has eyes that start to glaze over.
All in all, I consider myself to have an average amount of intelligence. I'm not ready for a round of Jeopardy here, and I fail consistently at Trivial Pursuit, but I can recount lines of The Princess Bride like it was my mantra. I'm not a genius by any means, but I do like to keep on learning more.
And as far as what I am looking for in a potential mate...I'm NOT looking for an exact copy of me, that’s for sure. I don't need a man that is exactly like me in intelligence or otherwise. Yes, there are important things that we need to agree on or have a distinct interest in, but I don't want him to only know what I know. What's the point in marring a man that is my clone? I mean, I already talk to myself plenty. My conversations wouldn't differ all that much if I married someone who is a replica of my self! How boring is that?
So I'm not so sure that I'm being an intelligence snob on my journey. At least I hope I'm not. But I did really have to contemplate this subject once before in college…I had a great friend named Carl. He was a special guy that was originally dating my friend Theresa, and then they parted, and I managed to keep both friendships. Carl was sweet, thoughtful and very caring, and I could soon tell that our friendship was blossoming into something more, at least for Carl. But I really fought it. I just didn’t think we had enough in common.
He was a carpentry major, and I was a journalism major. He liked to work with his hands. I liked the rhythm of vivid language. Carl would write me long heartfelt letters and even included a poem or two. I would read his letters, and while I found them sweet and charming, I confess that I cringed at his lyrics and his misspellings just as I cringe at the thought of fingernails on a chalkboard.
I was honest with Carl and told him that I really just wanted things to stay as they were. I was content with our friendship. He was a brother to me, and while I loved and respected him, I wanted something more. Over a summer though, Carl asked me to think about it, and I really did. I spent hours rehashing the subject in my head and talked of nothing else to my sister. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t throwing something special away by not dating him. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just being unwilling to date Carl because of our different interests or because of a perceived intelligence barrier. But I came to the same conclusion I have kept through the years, Carl was not the man for me. Truth is though that there were other things that kept Carl and I apart, and it wasn’t because I was smarter than he. It just wasn’t meant to be. I have no regrets on the subject.
And so while I’ve been told that differences in intelligence can be hindering in a relationship, I’m not sure it’s always the case or not at least entirely to blame.
Another thought is that a women’s intelligence can be intimidating to men. Now why is that? Why should my knowledge on a topic keep someone from approaching me? Just because I know a bit about a subject doesn't mean that anyone who isn't skilled in that subject is less than myself. I don't think that at all. I mean every person has some skill or field that they know something about.
So now I'm wondering if maybe it's not necessarily that women WON'T date or marry men that are of less intelligence, but perhaps men of “lesser intelligence” aren’t asking out women they perceive to be intelligent because these men are intimidated by it. I don't quite understand the whole concept myself. Why would a man feel that he HAD to be more intelligent than his wife in the first place? Is there some rule about that, a rule that I don't know about? And how do you accurately gauge intelligence in the first place? You can't, in my opinion. Intelligence is all relative!
For example, Carl knew tons about carpentry and could make beautiful useful and ornamental things from a piece of wood. I have a jewelry box that he made me that I still marvel at. The craftsmanship and expertise that it took to fasten simple scraps of wood into a work of art is beyond me. I knew nothing about what it took to form that wood into an attractive jewelry box just as Carl didn’t know all that much about poetry. We each were skilled in an art of our own choosing, but those differences weren’t what kept us apart.
So now I’m a bit perplexed…I don’t know quite what to think about the whole subject. Who is to blame anyway? Men? Or is it the women? Or perhaps like just about everything else, it’s a bit of both? Hmmmm…life sure keeps us guessing. But at least it's never boring...
Not too intelligent for marriage itself, per se. Fact is, we both want it. We're not avoiding it because we're against it or running madly from it. We're not ultra-feminists here campaigning against marriage. The opposite is true. We're fans of the GOD-inspired union of marriage. Longingly, both of us carry torches of hope to one day find a match of our own. So, it's not for a lack of desire for it...BRING IT!
The most recent revelation in a British study is that women prefer brains over brawn. I guess I’d have to agree with that. I mean it's not true of all women, but for most of us, it's true! We like to be stimulated mentally. Physically you can captivate us with your fine physique, but if you don’t get inside our heads, it’s not going to last. So I don’t necessarily disagree with the study. But what caught me as a sad comment about our society was that the study indicated that while women with higher IQs struggled to find a prospective mate, men of equal rank in IQ didn't have the same struggle to find a bride. It makes me wonder...
I could blame it all on the men. I mean we all know that men will settle for any girl that looks good in a bikini regardless of her IQ, and so no wonder men with higher IQs have no trouble marrying. They aren’t looking for intelligence when they look for a mate. Right? Hmmmm….OK, so while that's true of some men, I KNOW it isn't true about all men--intelligent or not. There are decent guys out there who are very much into intelligent women. My sister married one! And so maybe we can't blame it all on the men...
I don't know what my IQ is, and I don't care to know. [Frankly, I've never liked those tests anyway. Who cares which circle comes next in the series? I mean does anybody really use that information in the real world? I've never had it come up on the job...Hey, Mel, which circle formation would follow these three? We've got a client on the phone and he needs to know for that TPS report... YAH! Like that's gonna happen!] But I am a college graduate. [As if that really means anything here. It just means that I managed to pass enough classes to get a piece of paper that declares me educated on some subject matters.]
I read a lot (not as much as I should). I love to write. I enjoy intelligent conversations and discussions. All these things are true about me, but I've never really considered myself brilliant or super smart really. I'm just educated, and I have a thirst for knowledge and not all of that is useful either. For example, I hate the news. I realize that a journalist should enjoy keeping up on current events and like to stay aware of what is happening in the world around her, but I'm not all that great with current topics. I'm better with history. I get mesmerized by any program on ancient Egypt, the kings and queens of Europe or architecture. But ask me for an opinion on current politics, and this girl (who graduated with a political science minor) has eyes that start to glaze over.
All in all, I consider myself to have an average amount of intelligence. I'm not ready for a round of Jeopardy here, and I fail consistently at Trivial Pursuit, but I can recount lines of The Princess Bride like it was my mantra. I'm not a genius by any means, but I do like to keep on learning more.
And as far as what I am looking for in a potential mate...I'm NOT looking for an exact copy of me, that’s for sure. I don't need a man that is exactly like me in intelligence or otherwise. Yes, there are important things that we need to agree on or have a distinct interest in, but I don't want him to only know what I know. What's the point in marring a man that is my clone? I mean, I already talk to myself plenty. My conversations wouldn't differ all that much if I married someone who is a replica of my self! How boring is that?
So I'm not so sure that I'm being an intelligence snob on my journey. At least I hope I'm not. But I did really have to contemplate this subject once before in college…I had a great friend named Carl. He was a special guy that was originally dating my friend Theresa, and then they parted, and I managed to keep both friendships. Carl was sweet, thoughtful and very caring, and I could soon tell that our friendship was blossoming into something more, at least for Carl. But I really fought it. I just didn’t think we had enough in common.
He was a carpentry major, and I was a journalism major. He liked to work with his hands. I liked the rhythm of vivid language. Carl would write me long heartfelt letters and even included a poem or two. I would read his letters, and while I found them sweet and charming, I confess that I cringed at his lyrics and his misspellings just as I cringe at the thought of fingernails on a chalkboard.
I was honest with Carl and told him that I really just wanted things to stay as they were. I was content with our friendship. He was a brother to me, and while I loved and respected him, I wanted something more. Over a summer though, Carl asked me to think about it, and I really did. I spent hours rehashing the subject in my head and talked of nothing else to my sister. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t throwing something special away by not dating him. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just being unwilling to date Carl because of our different interests or because of a perceived intelligence barrier. But I came to the same conclusion I have kept through the years, Carl was not the man for me. Truth is though that there were other things that kept Carl and I apart, and it wasn’t because I was smarter than he. It just wasn’t meant to be. I have no regrets on the subject.
And so while I’ve been told that differences in intelligence can be hindering in a relationship, I’m not sure it’s always the case or not at least entirely to blame.
Another thought is that a women’s intelligence can be intimidating to men. Now why is that? Why should my knowledge on a topic keep someone from approaching me? Just because I know a bit about a subject doesn't mean that anyone who isn't skilled in that subject is less than myself. I don't think that at all. I mean every person has some skill or field that they know something about.
So now I'm wondering if maybe it's not necessarily that women WON'T date or marry men that are of less intelligence, but perhaps men of “lesser intelligence” aren’t asking out women they perceive to be intelligent because these men are intimidated by it. I don't quite understand the whole concept myself. Why would a man feel that he HAD to be more intelligent than his wife in the first place? Is there some rule about that, a rule that I don't know about? And how do you accurately gauge intelligence in the first place? You can't, in my opinion. Intelligence is all relative!
For example, Carl knew tons about carpentry and could make beautiful useful and ornamental things from a piece of wood. I have a jewelry box that he made me that I still marvel at. The craftsmanship and expertise that it took to fasten simple scraps of wood into a work of art is beyond me. I knew nothing about what it took to form that wood into an attractive jewelry box just as Carl didn’t know all that much about poetry. We each were skilled in an art of our own choosing, but those differences weren’t what kept us apart.
So now I’m a bit perplexed…I don’t know quite what to think about the whole subject. Who is to blame anyway? Men? Or is it the women? Or perhaps like just about everything else, it’s a bit of both? Hmmmm…life sure keeps us guessing. But at least it's never boring...
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Put yourself out there, why don'tcha?
I hear it a lot...you need to get out more. Put yourself out there, and you'll find him. Stop burying yourself away, etc. How do you expect "it" to happen if you never go out? It's not like GOD is just going to drop him in your lap! Get out there!
But what I can't quite comprehend is that people are asking me to be less than my self in order to snag a man! I don't get that. I mean what if you are really the type of person that is OK with staying home a lot? What if you prefer being at home curled up with a good book or snuggling with your favorite comforter alone while you watch an interesting movie? What if that is who I am? Because that's me in a nutshell.
Yes, I'm more extroverted than I used to be. I do have a wide circle of friends, and I spend quite a bit of time out with them. Usually not a week goes by when we don't do something, and I enjoy those experiences, but the truth is that I still love being alone, too. In fact, sometimes there is too much social activity, and I get burnt out by always going here and there, and so I'll pull back for a couple of weeks and just enjoy the solitude.
Recently, an opportunity came up, and I tried the other side of the coin. I did something that I don't do much of. I went to a bar and played pool with another girlfriend. OK, let's rephrase that...I did something I never do! I played pool, and I went to a bar! I've played pool only one other time in my lifetime, and that was with my 10-year-old nephew. [Probably doesn't count, does it?] And as far as going to a bar...I'm out with friends a lot, and we typically are at a grill and bar or something like that, and so that's not really new. But I'm usually out with a crowd of people I know, and this night was different. I felt more self-conscious, more on display or something like that, and it was a funny feeling. Normally, I'm oblivious to who else is in the bar, but this time was different. I was really out of my element. And all in all, I think it was a good experience.
I opted to forget that there were 40 other people standing around in the room. I just pretended that I was there alone with my friend, and it made me less self conscious.
I KNOW...I'm warped. I'm weird that way, but believe it or not, I'm less of a reclusive spinster than ever before. I am OUT there far more than I used to be. I just don't do the act of looking very well. I don't believe that I should pretend to be someone I'm not just to get people to like me or to get someone to take notice of me. I am who I am, and eventually, he's gonna have to like me -- the person I am -- unless I consider faking my personality for the rest of my life, which would be completely unbearable. HA!
So to my critics who claim I am far too withdrawn, I AM OUT THERE! I just prefer to remain under the radar, away from the blaring lights...but if you look closely, I'm there!
But what I can't quite comprehend is that people are asking me to be less than my self in order to snag a man! I don't get that. I mean what if you are really the type of person that is OK with staying home a lot? What if you prefer being at home curled up with a good book or snuggling with your favorite comforter alone while you watch an interesting movie? What if that is who I am? Because that's me in a nutshell.
Yes, I'm more extroverted than I used to be. I do have a wide circle of friends, and I spend quite a bit of time out with them. Usually not a week goes by when we don't do something, and I enjoy those experiences, but the truth is that I still love being alone, too. In fact, sometimes there is too much social activity, and I get burnt out by always going here and there, and so I'll pull back for a couple of weeks and just enjoy the solitude.
Recently, an opportunity came up, and I tried the other side of the coin. I did something that I don't do much of. I went to a bar and played pool with another girlfriend. OK, let's rephrase that...I did something I never do! I played pool, and I went to a bar! I've played pool only one other time in my lifetime, and that was with my 10-year-old nephew. [Probably doesn't count, does it?] And as far as going to a bar...I'm out with friends a lot, and we typically are at a grill and bar or something like that, and so that's not really new. But I'm usually out with a crowd of people I know, and this night was different. I felt more self-conscious, more on display or something like that, and it was a funny feeling. Normally, I'm oblivious to who else is in the bar, but this time was different. I was really out of my element. And all in all, I think it was a good experience.
I opted to forget that there were 40 other people standing around in the room. I just pretended that I was there alone with my friend, and it made me less self conscious.
I KNOW...I'm warped. I'm weird that way, but believe it or not, I'm less of a reclusive spinster than ever before. I am OUT there far more than I used to be. I just don't do the act of looking very well. I don't believe that I should pretend to be someone I'm not just to get people to like me or to get someone to take notice of me. I am who I am, and eventually, he's gonna have to like me -- the person I am -- unless I consider faking my personality for the rest of my life, which would be completely unbearable. HA!
So to my critics who claim I am far too withdrawn, I AM OUT THERE! I just prefer to remain under the radar, away from the blaring lights...but if you look closely, I'm there!
Monday, December 13, 2004
I don’t consider myself to be like Bridget Jones in every way...
I mean, I’m not into casual get-to-you-know sex, that’s for sure. I don’t have a job where there is a risk of me scattering down a fire pole and showing my bum to the entire viewing area. I don’t chain smoke or drink heavily. And I’m rarely given the opportunity to choose between dating Hugh Grant or Colin Firth, which is sad because they just don’t know what they are missing.
But aside from those minor distinguishing details, I can sometimes identify with Bridget more than I’d like to admit. I catch myself constantly saying the wrong thing and sticking my foot in my mouth. My hair is almost always atrocious. I wear underwear that helps me hide my stomach because I too am a double digit size in a size 4 world! [Yes, I confess, I wear granny panties!] And sometimes I too run into situations that remind me that I live in a married world and am part of a dying minority of non-breeding singletons.
My first corporate holiday party is now behind me. It was this past Friday evening. When I arrived, I had no idea what to expect. I work in a thousand person facility, and I had heard that 670 people had RSVPed. And so when you know 40 people tops in a company that large, you’re definitely curious how things will go. I arrived early, which is my habit, and hoped to see some familiar faces.
Well, the first person I spotted was another newbie with the company. She greeted me, introduced her husband and then said, “You came all by yourself?” And she asked it with that delicious emphasis on ALL and YOURSELF as if it was shocking that I came alone. [Ah yes. That’s one of those fun questions that single people like to hear…thanks for asking!] I grimaced inwardly, nodded and started asking her husband what he did for a living. (Now in her defense, she doesn’t know me all that well, and for all I know, she may have assumed that I was married or what have you. But it just reminded me of the inquisitive glances I get when I tell the waiter I only need a table for 1...)
Anyway, I made small talk with them for a few moments, and then opted to get away from the crowded entry way and get a table. I chose a table near the door so that I would hopefully spot my friend and her husband who had offered to sit with me. She arrived soon after, and introductions were made. Her husband was very friendly and both of them made a lot of effort to include me in on their conversations. I met other co-workers’ spouses and enjoyed my meal as I listened to the vivid discussions at our table. Eventually the band started playing and it became more like a shouting match across the table, which was rather comical.
After dinner, we walked around a bit and chatted with some people. It was then that I spotted him…Mr. Just Glancing Over (or JGO for short). [See previous blog entries in November for the details…] And yes, you guessed it—he was there with a date. And upon second glance, she was more than a date. She had a rock on her finger. [BIG SIGH!]
Well, he saw me and even glanced my direction a couple of times, which just really ticked me off. I mean it’s one thing to admire someone who you think is single and free, but when you make the discovery that there is ANOTHER in there life already, it’s immediately over for me. No chance of anything! So stop looking!
We returned to our table for some dessert, and I confess I was winding down and was more than a little bit pensive at this point. Maybe I had imagined Mr. JGO’s attention? It wouldn’t have been the first time I had misinterpreted signals. I suddenly wished to have asked George Clooney to be my escort after all… I mean what else would he have to do on a Friday evening in Hollywood. Actually, I wanted to be anywhere but there in the middle of a crowded ballroom sitting at a table with several beaming couples.
But I remembered my holiday goal to have less Mel-o-drama this season and just enjoy where I’m at as I am! So I snapped out of my funk and was once again determined that I could still have a good time at this party. I was with new friends, and it was all good. Besides I had some awesome cheesecake in front of me, and it would make everything better.
So we sat there listening to the music. It was still a bit loud for conversation, but the tempo had decreased and people had taken to the dance floor. I told myself this isn’t so bad. You can do this. And then it happened.
The band began to play and sing another song, and suddenly I understood Bridget Jones more than ever. I knew what had led her to drinking, chain smoking and singing loudly to music in her apartment. I knew why she could eat a box of donuts in one setting or why she jumped at the first man that threw attention her way. Everything was vividly clear as I sat there in silence choking back tears as All By Myself rang in my ears.
One couple at our table immediately smiled at each other and headed for the dance floor. And I could tell that Barb and Lee wanted to be out there, too. In fact I saw her husband lean over and gesture that they go out for a spin on the floor, but Barb motioned no. And I could tell that Barb just didn’t want to leave me alone at the table. She was sitting there just for me. She’s a Mom of two single daughters. She knows what it’s like.
And that was when I knew I needed to leave. So I politely excused myself, keeping my composure the entire time. I think I said something about needing to get home and get to bed—a complete lie. [On Friday nights, I’m up until 1 or 2 AM every week.] I said my goodbyes and walked out the door with that song still playing in my head.
Of course, the tears hit before I made it to my car. And GOD and I had yet another chat about me being single, as if he needed another reminder. It’s me, GOD, Melanie! Don’t know if you noticed or not, but I’m still single down here. Just wanted you to know…
As for the corporate holiday party, will I go again next year? The jury is still out on that one. What I have already decided is that I won’t go alone again! I just won’t do that to myself. I’ll rent a date, ask my sister or beg a friend to come with me. I almost did this year, but I thought I could brave it on my own. I thought I could manage All By Myself. But there are some moments, that are always better in pairs…
But aside from those minor distinguishing details, I can sometimes identify with Bridget more than I’d like to admit. I catch myself constantly saying the wrong thing and sticking my foot in my mouth. My hair is almost always atrocious. I wear underwear that helps me hide my stomach because I too am a double digit size in a size 4 world! [Yes, I confess, I wear granny panties!] And sometimes I too run into situations that remind me that I live in a married world and am part of a dying minority of non-breeding singletons.
My first corporate holiday party is now behind me. It was this past Friday evening. When I arrived, I had no idea what to expect. I work in a thousand person facility, and I had heard that 670 people had RSVPed. And so when you know 40 people tops in a company that large, you’re definitely curious how things will go. I arrived early, which is my habit, and hoped to see some familiar faces.
Well, the first person I spotted was another newbie with the company. She greeted me, introduced her husband and then said, “You came all by yourself?” And she asked it with that delicious emphasis on ALL and YOURSELF as if it was shocking that I came alone. [Ah yes. That’s one of those fun questions that single people like to hear…thanks for asking!] I grimaced inwardly, nodded and started asking her husband what he did for a living. (Now in her defense, she doesn’t know me all that well, and for all I know, she may have assumed that I was married or what have you. But it just reminded me of the inquisitive glances I get when I tell the waiter I only need a table for 1...)
Anyway, I made small talk with them for a few moments, and then opted to get away from the crowded entry way and get a table. I chose a table near the door so that I would hopefully spot my friend and her husband who had offered to sit with me. She arrived soon after, and introductions were made. Her husband was very friendly and both of them made a lot of effort to include me in on their conversations. I met other co-workers’ spouses and enjoyed my meal as I listened to the vivid discussions at our table. Eventually the band started playing and it became more like a shouting match across the table, which was rather comical.
After dinner, we walked around a bit and chatted with some people. It was then that I spotted him…Mr. Just Glancing Over (or JGO for short). [See previous blog entries in November for the details…] And yes, you guessed it—he was there with a date. And upon second glance, she was more than a date. She had a rock on her finger. [BIG SIGH!]
Well, he saw me and even glanced my direction a couple of times, which just really ticked me off. I mean it’s one thing to admire someone who you think is single and free, but when you make the discovery that there is ANOTHER in there life already, it’s immediately over for me. No chance of anything! So stop looking!
We returned to our table for some dessert, and I confess I was winding down and was more than a little bit pensive at this point. Maybe I had imagined Mr. JGO’s attention? It wouldn’t have been the first time I had misinterpreted signals. I suddenly wished to have asked George Clooney to be my escort after all… I mean what else would he have to do on a Friday evening in Hollywood. Actually, I wanted to be anywhere but there in the middle of a crowded ballroom sitting at a table with several beaming couples.
But I remembered my holiday goal to have less Mel-o-drama this season and just enjoy where I’m at as I am! So I snapped out of my funk and was once again determined that I could still have a good time at this party. I was with new friends, and it was all good. Besides I had some awesome cheesecake in front of me, and it would make everything better.
So we sat there listening to the music. It was still a bit loud for conversation, but the tempo had decreased and people had taken to the dance floor. I told myself this isn’t so bad. You can do this. And then it happened.
The band began to play and sing another song, and suddenly I understood Bridget Jones more than ever. I knew what had led her to drinking, chain smoking and singing loudly to music in her apartment. I knew why she could eat a box of donuts in one setting or why she jumped at the first man that threw attention her way. Everything was vividly clear as I sat there in silence choking back tears as All By Myself rang in my ears.
One couple at our table immediately smiled at each other and headed for the dance floor. And I could tell that Barb and Lee wanted to be out there, too. In fact I saw her husband lean over and gesture that they go out for a spin on the floor, but Barb motioned no. And I could tell that Barb just didn’t want to leave me alone at the table. She was sitting there just for me. She’s a Mom of two single daughters. She knows what it’s like.
And that was when I knew I needed to leave. So I politely excused myself, keeping my composure the entire time. I think I said something about needing to get home and get to bed—a complete lie. [On Friday nights, I’m up until 1 or 2 AM every week.] I said my goodbyes and walked out the door with that song still playing in my head.
Of course, the tears hit before I made it to my car. And GOD and I had yet another chat about me being single, as if he needed another reminder. It’s me, GOD, Melanie! Don’t know if you noticed or not, but I’m still single down here. Just wanted you to know…
As for the corporate holiday party, will I go again next year? The jury is still out on that one. What I have already decided is that I won’t go alone again! I just won’t do that to myself. I’ll rent a date, ask my sister or beg a friend to come with me. I almost did this year, but I thought I could brave it on my own. I thought I could manage All By Myself. But there are some moments, that are always better in pairs…
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
Less Mel-o-drama this holiday season, I hope...
The holidays can be hard on singles, but they don't have to be. And this year I've determined the season will pass quietly into the night without any of my usual Mel-o-drama.
I tend to get strung out around the holidays. I don't know why exactly, but I find myself freaking out from time to time. But I know realistically that the holidays aren't just tough on singles. I mean lots of people have a rough time during the holidays. Many of us are missing loved ones that have passed on or friends and family that live too far away to join in the celebration. Some dread the many holiday get-togethers for work, church, family or other. Some have feuding families that still manage to sit around a tense dinner table during the holidays. Others find themselves alone for the holidays while some of us craze the alone time and want a break from the frenetic pace of life!
For me, it's always been a time of family, and I think that's where the stinging begins...I have a family, but I don't have my OWN family, and I always imagined I would by now. I thought I'd have a husband and the 2.5 kids with the white minivan. (OK, maybe the minivan isn't really my ideal. It's just a practical solution since a Hummer might be over the top. Hmmmm...I don't know. I could make it work!) And so here I am at this bonding time of year, and everywhere I go there are families. Adoring couples deciding on jewelry, giggling boys playing in the snow, darling little girls dressed up in red satin dresses, and excited families waiting to see Santa at the local mall. Plus, I also get lots of time with my own nieces and nephews. Nothing beats an intense game of Clue or a 3-hour match of competitive Monopoly. And who can resist playing Barbies with a 5-year old or racing cars across the floor with a 2-year old? I treasure those moments, and they make me smile even as I write this.
These are all great things. There is nothing wrong with any one of these things, and no one here is plotting to wound me with their happiness. I know it! I just tend to get lost in the moment and get side tracked. I start being disastisfied with my own life and my own "grass" starts looking brown and dried up in comparison to the vividly green grass others seem to have. I tell myself that I'm not happy.
Suddenly my 1-bedroom apartment isn't big enough, and my stupid Christmas tree looks ridiculous. I have nothing to wear to the Christmas party, and I avoid malls because of the happy shoppers. I procrastinate working on my Christmas cards, and I refuse to watch any more Christmas movies. Before I know it I've turned into a Grinch. I mean when you start feeling sorry for Scrooge while watching A Christmas Carol or get gleeful when the Grinch steals all the holiday gifts and decorations from the Whos of Who-ville in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know that you need to take a serious look at your own life!
And so this year, I'm making a conscious effort to do things differently, and so far I think it's working. It's not a perfect system, but I'm just thinking before I spin out of control, or perhaps better stated, I'm slapping myself silly before robbing someone else of their joy. And in the process I'm finding it's been easier on myself as well as everyone else around me. I'm stepping outside of my bubble.
I can't avoid interacting with other people. We share a globe here, and they have a right to be happy in public just like I do. I can't afford a house right now, and so maybe my little apartment isn't so little after all! Just when I was thinking this was my last year to use my old Christmas tree, it starts looking brighter and my friends admire it! And someone else asks me if I'm going to do Christmas cards and send out a Christmas letter as usual because they look forward to receiving it...
Suddenly I'm BACK! My joy is rekindled. My twinkle returns. Now I join in as we sing Christmas carols. I find myself smiling at the cute family all holding hands as they march into the church for the Christmas pageant. I can honestly admire and join in with real happiness as my friend shows off her new ring or shares another picture of her new baby. I might not have a family to call my own or have a new piece of jewelry glistening on my finger. BUT I am blessed in other ways. More blessed than I can say...I'm trying to count my blessings this season!
GOD has given me a delightful sister. She listens tirelessly to my rantings and then honestly addresses the issues or complaints with frankness and sensitivity. I love how we can share with one another and lift each other up! She is dear to me, and sometimes I wonder where I would be if it hadn't been for my "big little sister." My sister's husband is one of the most genuinely warm persons I have ever met. And I'm thankful for his giving spirit and his openness! And their son, my youngest nephew, is a source of great joy and laughter.
GOD has blessed me with an awesome network of friends. My growing "family" of compatriots in my singles' group continue to amaze me! They are continually stretching me in positive ways--showing how I can serve better, reach out more, etc. I'm so thankful for them. And my girlfriends through my GiNI group are a continued source of laughs, hope, encouragement and camaraderie! I feel lucky to have them in my life!
GOD continues to abundantly take care of my needs--financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and timely! That last one (timely) always seems to be the hardest to accept, but HIS timing although not at my pace is always perfect. And I'm especially thankful this year for his provision of the new job, awesome new co-workers, etc. HE always seems to take my desires and take them further than I had dreamed up.
GOD has graced me with a charming family--even though I have 3 older brothers. I love my brothers and their families. My oldest brother Mike is single, too, and I love his teasing nature! My middle brother Chuck is married and has 4 lovely children, and I love watching his gentle nature when he is with his children. My youngest brother Steve is married and has 2 children, and I enjoy his friendly nature and his generosity to others. My sister-in-laws are a blessing, too. And I adore my other 4 nieces and 2 nephews to pieces. My Mom's warmth and big heart are an inspiration to more than myself. And my Dad's quick wit and dry sense of humor continue to surprise me!
I'm very fortunate indeed. And I'm encouraged as I remind myself during this season, that I have a holy FATHER that loves me enough to send HIS only SON to save me--an undeserving, ungrateful, spoiled child. I'm blessed beyond belief...
I tend to get strung out around the holidays. I don't know why exactly, but I find myself freaking out from time to time. But I know realistically that the holidays aren't just tough on singles. I mean lots of people have a rough time during the holidays. Many of us are missing loved ones that have passed on or friends and family that live too far away to join in the celebration. Some dread the many holiday get-togethers for work, church, family or other. Some have feuding families that still manage to sit around a tense dinner table during the holidays. Others find themselves alone for the holidays while some of us craze the alone time and want a break from the frenetic pace of life!
For me, it's always been a time of family, and I think that's where the stinging begins...I have a family, but I don't have my OWN family, and I always imagined I would by now. I thought I'd have a husband and the 2.5 kids with the white minivan. (OK, maybe the minivan isn't really my ideal. It's just a practical solution since a Hummer might be over the top. Hmmmm...I don't know. I could make it work!) And so here I am at this bonding time of year, and everywhere I go there are families. Adoring couples deciding on jewelry, giggling boys playing in the snow, darling little girls dressed up in red satin dresses, and excited families waiting to see Santa at the local mall. Plus, I also get lots of time with my own nieces and nephews. Nothing beats an intense game of Clue or a 3-hour match of competitive Monopoly. And who can resist playing Barbies with a 5-year old or racing cars across the floor with a 2-year old? I treasure those moments, and they make me smile even as I write this.
These are all great things. There is nothing wrong with any one of these things, and no one here is plotting to wound me with their happiness. I know it! I just tend to get lost in the moment and get side tracked. I start being disastisfied with my own life and my own "grass" starts looking brown and dried up in comparison to the vividly green grass others seem to have. I tell myself that I'm not happy.
Suddenly my 1-bedroom apartment isn't big enough, and my stupid Christmas tree looks ridiculous. I have nothing to wear to the Christmas party, and I avoid malls because of the happy shoppers. I procrastinate working on my Christmas cards, and I refuse to watch any more Christmas movies. Before I know it I've turned into a Grinch. I mean when you start feeling sorry for Scrooge while watching A Christmas Carol or get gleeful when the Grinch steals all the holiday gifts and decorations from the Whos of Who-ville in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know that you need to take a serious look at your own life!
And so this year, I'm making a conscious effort to do things differently, and so far I think it's working. It's not a perfect system, but I'm just thinking before I spin out of control, or perhaps better stated, I'm slapping myself silly before robbing someone else of their joy. And in the process I'm finding it's been easier on myself as well as everyone else around me. I'm stepping outside of my bubble.
I can't avoid interacting with other people. We share a globe here, and they have a right to be happy in public just like I do. I can't afford a house right now, and so maybe my little apartment isn't so little after all! Just when I was thinking this was my last year to use my old Christmas tree, it starts looking brighter and my friends admire it! And someone else asks me if I'm going to do Christmas cards and send out a Christmas letter as usual because they look forward to receiving it...
Suddenly I'm BACK! My joy is rekindled. My twinkle returns. Now I join in as we sing Christmas carols. I find myself smiling at the cute family all holding hands as they march into the church for the Christmas pageant. I can honestly admire and join in with real happiness as my friend shows off her new ring or shares another picture of her new baby. I might not have a family to call my own or have a new piece of jewelry glistening on my finger. BUT I am blessed in other ways. More blessed than I can say...I'm trying to count my blessings this season!
GOD has given me a delightful sister. She listens tirelessly to my rantings and then honestly addresses the issues or complaints with frankness and sensitivity. I love how we can share with one another and lift each other up! She is dear to me, and sometimes I wonder where I would be if it hadn't been for my "big little sister." My sister's husband is one of the most genuinely warm persons I have ever met. And I'm thankful for his giving spirit and his openness! And their son, my youngest nephew, is a source of great joy and laughter.
GOD has blessed me with an awesome network of friends. My growing "family" of compatriots in my singles' group continue to amaze me! They are continually stretching me in positive ways--showing how I can serve better, reach out more, etc. I'm so thankful for them. And my girlfriends through my GiNI group are a continued source of laughs, hope, encouragement and camaraderie! I feel lucky to have them in my life!
GOD continues to abundantly take care of my needs--financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and timely! That last one (timely) always seems to be the hardest to accept, but HIS timing although not at my pace is always perfect. And I'm especially thankful this year for his provision of the new job, awesome new co-workers, etc. HE always seems to take my desires and take them further than I had dreamed up.
GOD has graced me with a charming family--even though I have 3 older brothers. I love my brothers and their families. My oldest brother Mike is single, too, and I love his teasing nature! My middle brother Chuck is married and has 4 lovely children, and I love watching his gentle nature when he is with his children. My youngest brother Steve is married and has 2 children, and I enjoy his friendly nature and his generosity to others. My sister-in-laws are a blessing, too. And I adore my other 4 nieces and 2 nephews to pieces. My Mom's warmth and big heart are an inspiration to more than myself. And my Dad's quick wit and dry sense of humor continue to surprise me!
I'm very fortunate indeed. And I'm encouraged as I remind myself during this season, that I have a holy FATHER that loves me enough to send HIS only SON to save me--an undeserving, ungrateful, spoiled child. I'm blessed beyond belief...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)