After a rough Sunday last week, I prayed for mercy and that GOD would be gracious and help me in my struggle and make this week better. Well, yesterday I encountered more of the same scenario, only this time it was much worse. I headed home in tears, pouring out my heart to GOD on my drive. I found myself voicing the following words:
Really, LORD? Was that necessary? I actually feel like YOU are being mean here, but I know YOU are not. YOU are good. I know YOU are good. But today was really hard, LORD. I’m hurting, and YOU were the only ONE in that room that knew my struggle, that knew my heart. YOU alone knew how that would affect me. I desperately wanted YOU to have my back, LORD, and yet, YOU allowed it to happen again. I know YOU are with me and YOU are allowing this in my life, and I’m trying to accept it, but quite honestly I don’t know how. I don’t know what YOU are wanting in all of this, except that YOU want to be praised and glorified. Show me how.
I felt better just saying those words and having a heart-to-heart with GOD. Like the Psalmist, I think we need to be real with GOD. And yesterday I was real. I was raw. I was direct. And if we come to HIM in the right frame of mind, I don’t think GOD minds that we ask those questions, that we seek to know HIM better and to figure out what HE is doing.
In a way, I think GOD harps on us sometimes, to pick at that scab in our lives that never fully heals (OK, that was a bit graphic, but I think a lot of you know what I mean). HE wants to bring the ultimate healing, but we have to let HIM work HIS medicine. We all have these areas in our lives that tend to rise up and give us trouble over and over. And when HE could keep those struggles at bay and make things easier on us, HE instead allows us to struggle with them again and again.
Sure, I would have appreciated things being simpler yesterday, but somehow I know HE’s not being mean. HE’s not being unfaithful. HE’s reminding me that HE wants to be first in my life, and that there is more work to be done. This is an area, where HE feels I can do better. HE’s not done with this. More work to do on this one, Mel. And so we began again.
HE is faithful.
HE is good.
HE will see me through.
Job 23:10 Yet He knows the way I have taken; when He has tested me, I will emerge as pure gold.
I really like Sara Groves’ song Less Like Scars...
It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like character
Less like a
prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping You would come
And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you
And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like character
3 comments:
Thank you for sharing about your struggles. It is hard thinking about our struggles let alone sharing them with other people. Im encouraged that you praise God even when you are frustrated with the things He allows...what a testimony!
Good post, Mel!!! I've certainly been there; heck, that's practically my ZIP code. LOL. Awesome song lyrics, too.
I just had a thought, and maybe it's because I've been watching too many crime dramas. :smile:
LORD, why do I have to go through this over and over and OVER again?
And if I heard right, the answer was, "Because I love you, and that makes you a target. He (the enemy) can't hurt Me, so he comes after you, over and over again. It's easiest for him where you are the weakest. Once you grow strong in that area, he'll find another weakness. And he will 'worry' it, like a dog with a bone, over and over again. He will never stop. That is what it means to follow Me.
"The good news is that I will never stop, either. I sent Christ to be your Savior and I gave you holy armor to fight off the evil one. Just as he pursues you, so do I. (Psalms 23:6) ‘Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.’ Goodness and Mercy, the ‘hounds of heaven,’ will ‘hunt you down,’ according to the meaning of the word. You will never be without My Love and Protection. Goodness, Mercy, and Joy will be your companions. Fear not!”
Fear not… I’ll have to remember that. And when that old struggle comes up, sometimes daily, I will remember that the God who fights for me is standing right beside me. On the other side of me, I’ll feel the hot breath of two holy hounds, panting happily away.
I'm still struck by your words about your Heavenly Father being the only one in the room who understood why it was hard for you. HE sometimes really is THE ONLY one who can understand our deepest thoughts/feelings/struggles. And it seems so hard, but HE wants us to turn to Him instead of our friends, our family, other listening ears. I think that's why HE creates these situations where no one else is there in the middle of it with us...b/c He wants some alone time with us. Thanks for the encouragment by just sharing!
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