I just want to go skipping and running around the office this afternoon for some odd reason. I don’t know why really. Where did this surge of inspiration come from anyway? I barely was able to crawl out of bed this morning at 6 AM, but now I’m wide awake and have show tunes running through my head. Seriously, I’m ready to burst into song with the Sound of Music or I Loved You Once in Silence and a few minutes ago, I caught myself before I sang out loud with Meadowlark. I can’t compete with the likes of Julie Andrews or Sarah Brightman, by any stretch of the imagination, but I sure feel like trying today. Watch out American Idol, here I come. HA! OK, truth is that if you know me well, you know my days of church solos are over. AHEM! How did I ever do that anyway? Hey, Sis, do you remember when I did an angel solo in the Christmas program like 3 years in a row? YIKES! Where is that confidence now?
Anyway, maybe I’ll still have some creative inspiration left after my work day, so that I can sit down and write for a while or work on some photo project. We’ll see...the legal realm has a way of draining a person if they aren’t careful. But if I keep the show tunes going on in my head, who knows what I will be able to accomplish!
I must have lit my seventh cigarette at half past two, and at the time I never even noticed I was blue...it’s funny, but I had no sense of living without aim the day before you came. OOPS! The artist, better known as moi, just switched venues, and now I'm singing Abba in my head. But I love this song. [sigh!] It’s good stuff. I’ll leave you to ponder the lyrics now...Happy weekend!
I must have left my house at eight
because I always do
my train, I’m certain
left the station just when it was due
I must have read the morning paper
going into town
and having gotten through the editorial
no doubt I must have frowned
I must have made my desk
around a quarter after nine
with letters to be read
and heaps of papers waiting to be signed
I must have gone to lunch
at half past twelve or so
the usual place, the usual bunch
and still on top of this
I’m pretty sure it must have rained
the day before you came
I must have lit my seventh
cigarette at half past two
and at the time I never
even noticed I was blue
I must have kept on dragging
through the business of the day
without really knowing anything
I hid a part of me away
at five I must have left
there’s no exception to the rule
a matter of routine
I’ve done it ever since I finished school
the train back home again
undoubtedly I must have
read the evening paper then
oh yes, I’m sure my life was
well within its usual frame
the day before you came
I must have opened my front door
at eight o’clock or so
and stopped along the way
to buy some Chinese food to go
I’m sure I had my dinner
watching something on TV
there’s not, I think, a single
episode of Dallas that I didn’t see
I must have gone to bed
around a quarter after ten
I need a lot of sleep and so
I like to be in bed by then
I must have read a while
the latest one by Marilyn French
or something in that style
it’s funny, but I had no sense
of living without aim
the day before you came
And turning out the light
I must have yawned and
cuddled up for yet another night
and rattling on the roof
I must have heard the sound of rain
the day before you came
1st Conversation with An Attorney Here at the Office Today
Him: Hey, by the way, have you lost weight?
Me: Ommm, yeah. 21 pounds.
Him: Good for you. Is there a man in the picture or a wedding I should know about?
Me: No. Why?
Him: Well, when a woman starts to lose weight, there is often a wedding dress to fit into.
Me: (laughing) I wish.
But then I got to thinking...so if a woman is losing weight it's because of a man? I don't think so. Maybe some women are like that, but it isn't like that for me. It's about getting healthier and taking better care of this body GOD gave me. Hmmmmppphhh!!
2nd Conversation with An Attorney Here at the Office Today
Later, another attorney asked me about Weight Watchers and how my diet was going. He likes the Rold Gold tiny pretzel twists, and he was asking how bad they were on the flex points system. I looked them up, and 17 pretzels are 2 points. So, he bought a bag from the vending machine and reported back to me that there were approximately 32pretzels (2 servings) in the bag. It made me laugh. He was doing reconnaissance work for me. It’s nice to find my diet is so fascinating to my co-workers.
You know those small black cylinder rolls you used in your camera a few years back. Well, I miss those. I especially miss the anxious waiting around for the film to come back.
Will that shot turn out?
Will there be red-eyes in the photo?
Did I have something in my teeth?
Did the flash go off?
Did I capture the baby’s smile?
Gone are those worries these days. Today, you just point, shoot, click and instantly preview it to see if you need to take another. You can even zoom in on your shot and determine if someone blinked (that would be Becky). Yes, I like that. It’s nice and easy and saves the hassle and wondering if it was a good shot or not.
However, I still miss film. Back in the day (3+ years ago), I would get all excited about getting a roll of film developed. I’d flip open the packages in the store and quickly scan through them. I’d laugh at a wacky shot or grimace at another bad shot. I kind of miss that eager anticipation, that 24 hour delay or 1-hour photo period where I had to wait and see. It was something to look forward to.
Strangely enough, I also miss the smell of a fresh roll of film. Is that weird?
Come on, if you are a camera person, you know what I mean...that was some good stuff.
As Janet and I were riding along back to Indiana after our Michigan adventure, we had a bit of an episode. A spider dropped in for a visit. Janet promptly shut it up in the cup holder. And then she guarded it with both eyes as she calmly called my brother-in-law Jonathan to beg for assistance.
The caravan pulled over at the next exit and Jonathan (our hero) eradicated the enemy with one blow, and we were spider free for the rest of the ride. As the driver, I was impressed that both Janet and I kept our cool. We both hate spiders, and it's a wonder that there wasn't an accident!
Grandma's chair and I both made it safely back to Indianapolis in one piece. I borrowed a co-worker's minivan and brought the rocking chair to Indiana along with some furniture for my oldest niece and her first apartment.
This was a wonderful weekend with family and friends. Seriously, it was fabulous. My Mom's sister from Indiana and her brother and his wife from North Carolina all traveled up to Michigan for the estate sale and auction, and so my parents had 15 of us staying with them. Things were a little tight, but we managed. My brother Steve and his family camped in the side yard in their popup trailer, while the rest of us bunked up in the 4 bedrooms and on the living room floor. My middle brother Chuck and his family of 6 were not able to make the trip from Warsaw, IN or things might have been even more packed in. HA! Things were quite interesting. I love family time. I just wish we could all be together more like that, but maybe it wouldn't be quite as special if it happened every other week.
The estate sale and auction was on Saturday, and all went well. Almost everything sold, including the house and 14 acres of farmland. I think all of us had mixed emotions as we watched Grandma's prized possessions go to the highest bidder. Some items went for a pittance, and other items surprised everyone as true collectors bid higher and higher. It was a fascinating thing to watch. I walked around and took photos of the estate and farmland. The property was full of memories for all of us, but for me, the hardest part of the day was walking through the nearly empty home. Grandma's stuff was all gone, all in carts and boxes out front. Gone were her craft projects, her canning items, and the clutter in the kitchen. No more of her collectibles, her antiques, and the miscellaneous photos every where. It was just an empty house.
But in retrospect, the greatest legacy is still with us. My Grandma is 92 and doing pretty well after surviving several strokes and losing three husbands. She doesn't talk much, but she can still walk a bit and get around at my parents' home. We all got to spend time with her and enjoy her company this weekend, too. So actually, we are truly blessed.
On Sunday and Monday, we all said our goodbyes and headed back to our own homes. My 18-year-old niece Janet rode the 6+ hours back with me, and we talked about the past and then discussed the future as well. She leaves for the Nascar Institute in North Carolina in just a few short weeks, and so as one door swings shut, GOD opens another one and life continues on in another direction. Yes, I'm a bit sentimental right now, but I'm also thankful...thankful for a GODly family to call my own. It's one of the greatest inheritances of all.
I was amused by this week’s single column that I get emailed from Christianity Today. Frankly, I like to hear that other Christian singles struggle with their go-it-alone lifestyles, too. Hmmmm...that came out wrong! It sounds like I am a dreary pessimist because I want to hear that someone else is suffering, too. HA! I’m not really like that. I'm not. It’s just encouraging to know that I’m not the only one tired of hearing the old adages...things like how I need only be perfectly content with GOD alone and then Mr. Right will finally make an appearance in my life.
I think all the will power and self-discipline in the world is not going to make me perfectly content this side of Heaven, and I have yet to meet anyone else who is perfectly content either. I have wonderful days where I feel loved and accepted by family and friends or days of pure joy as I travel or go exploring something new. I love to laugh and get the most out of each and every day. But contentment isn’t a constant companion. She’s a fickle friend, and I don’t think it’s always a sin to be discontent. Sometimes I think GOD uses that discontentment to get us moving, searching, and making changes in our lives. It’s another reminder that there is more to life than this life we are in now.
So while I typically enjoy my life, my thoughts and desires for a mate travel with me, and there is not a switch in my head that I can flip off to change that. Sure, I can go for days without talking about my desire for marriage, but just under the surface, there is still a little clock ticking away. There is still that desire that GOD gave me for marriage. It’s there just like my desire to know GOD better, my desire to travel, my desire to be a Mom someday, etc. In the past, I’ve fought it off or pretended it wasn’t there. I’ve been Miss Independent (or at least played the part), but it hasn’t changed the fact that I’ve still been wanting something more. So today, I’m embracing it. I'm accepting it.
I WANT TO MARRY ONE DAY! [GASP!] There I said it, and I feel so much better getting it out.
I daydream about meeting someone. What will he be like? I’m eager to hear his thoughts and his dreams. What will his story be? I want to know where GOD has led him, and how he got to where he is now. I’m aching to share things with him, too. After all, I have 30+ years of stories to catch him up on. I ponder the deep and the trivial alike. Will he drink coffee? I’m starting to be more flexible on that point. Will he kill spiders for me? Pretty please!! Will he be obsessed with sports? Will he be a Coke or a Pepsi person?
I don’t think it’s wrong to desire more...but it can become an obsession, and that’s what I need to avoid. Marriage can’t become an idol in my life. I can survive without it. I am surviving without it. Yes, I will be disappointed if I don’t marry, but somehow, I think GOD will take care of that and ease my disappointment, too. I have to trust HIM. What does the future hold? I don’t know, but GOD has already given me so much, and today finds me thankful in my less than perfect contented state right where I am.
This weekend, my siblings and their families and I are all traveling up to Michigan for my Grandmother’s estate auction. I think we all make this journey with mixed emotions. On one hand, it will be nice to have Grandma's estate all taken care of. The burden will be lifted from our parents’ shoulders. No more 2-hour trips to check up on Grandma’s place or to do more maintenance. On the other hand, this is goodbye: goodbye to a place with so many memories, to furniture and artifacts that have been in the family for decades, goodbye to a farm that has withstood the test of time.
Each of us grandkids was asked if there were particular items we wanted to keep for our own. I didn’t have to think very long and hard about that one at all. I have always been fascinated by the rocking chair that sat in Grandma’s living room. I remember that chair in the attic bedroom at my great grandparents’ home in southern Illinois. There it sat in the attic, facing the door near the old pump organ. I had to sleep in that attic bedroom once, and I vaguely remember hearing a story about how someone had died in that chair and how if you were really quick and careful, you could still catch the chair rocking back and forth on its own.
When I was young and my Great Grandpa died, that chair moved to Michigan to my Grandma’s house, and my fascination with it only grew. I tried to sketch it a few times, but I couldn't capture it well in my notebooks. It has a dragon carved into the back and a few other ornate details, but other than that, it just looks like a typical rocking chair to me.
And so when my Mom asked me if there was anything I would like, I put in a request for that rocking chair, and since no one else wanted it, it will be coming home with me on this trip. I don’t know how old it is. I don’t know that it is valuable or worth much at all, but to me it is a sentimental favorite.
After describing the chair to some friends and co-workers, I wondered if there were any photos of the chair, and then I recalled that I had a picture of a relative in that chair. I couldn't remember who exactly, and so I dug around through my scans this morning and found this old worn photo. It is my Grandma’s grandparents, Jane and James Dexter. I know, they are deliciously frightening and don’t look like the most charming of folks, but everybody had a scowl in photographs back in the day. And yes, if you will note, my Great, Great Grandfather is sitting in the chair--the chair that will soon be moving to Indianapolis. I’m very excited to have a little piece of family history moving in with me. As for the haunting scenario, I’ll keep you posted...
I went to one of Jacob’s first soccer games this weekend. His first was actually on Saturday, and I was there Sunday afternoon for game 2. He did a great job, chasing the ball down the field, helping defend the goal, and even got several kicks in there, too. It was fun to watch. I love kids’ sports at this age. There is not the bitter rivalry yet, no verbal warfare or ball-hogging either. It’s just FUN!
He proudly posed when we got back to his house. This kid is just too cute!
As some of you may already know, I am currently seeking a new home church. I was very active with College Park Church, especially with the Singles Ministry for over 5 years, but once the singles group disbanded, I struggled to find where I belonged in the church. It just didn’t seem enough to sit in the congregation, to attend every Sunday, to feel like I wasn’t fellowshipping with the body. I tried to find a way to volunteer, but no one would return my calls or my emails when I would sign-up to help or ask how I could serve. And when I tried the other singles classes in the church, I didn’t feel I had much in common with those attending. I was at a different stage in my life. I wanted to be challenged and pushed outside my comfort zone. I wanted to use my mind and be stretched rather than entertained. There were really good people in the mix, and I wouldn’t want to offend them for the world, but we were just wanting different things. Perhaps they were getting the bulk of their teaching from the pulpit, while I had been getting mine from my singles Bible study. Truthfully, it was the Bible study teaching that had been the bulk of my influence, and I missed the teaching of both Rich Vincent and Shane Fuller from my Bible study. I missed the whirlwind of contemplation after one of their studies. I guess in retrospect, I had been attending College Park simply because it was the church affiliated with my Bible study. It was the easy choice maybe.
So for a few months, I waffled on what to do. I tried a couple of other churches for a few weeks, but no place really felt like home to me. I’d go back to attending College Park again for a few more weeks, but once again, I would end up feeling the need to go somewhere else. I’d have these long drawn out conversations with GOD on my way home from a service...I’m miserable there. You know I am. I just don’t fit in. How long can I keep this up? Maybe you are trying to teach me something in my discomfort? LORD, please reveal yourself to me...So I’d pray about it again and ask for GOD’s guidance week after week. I’d work on my attitude and try to start each service out differently, but things continued to go downhill. Until at last, GOD made HIMSELF very clear. I’m not supposed to be at College Park right now, and once I said those words out loud, I had peace. Sure, it would be too easy to just go back to what I know and to get comfortable again in the same place, but that’s the old Mel talking. That’s the whole “do the same thing and expect different results” routine. You’ve been there, you’ve done that, and you know how things will end up! It’s time to make a move.
Hence, I am starting over (again) and looking for a new church home. Last week, was my first week back out there. I visited a Grace Brethren Church on the West side. I wasn’t raised in the GBC, but I did attend a GBC for 4 years or so right after college. The people were friendly, the teaching was doctrinally sound, and it was altogether a pretty positive experience. However, I believe I was the only single in attendance (male or female), and while I don’t believe GOD wants me to attend church to find a mate, I think I would miss the company of fellow singletons altogether. So that was a bit disconcerting. I mean, not having another single person to catch some dinner with after the morning service – that scenario would be a little hard, I think. But, I have resolved to visit them again because I don’t think 1 week is a long enough time for a review in this case.
I am still trying to draft up a list of what is key to finding the right home church. I found some resources online, and so I have my homework cut out for me, but I'm not doing this alone this time. HE is with me, and we're in this together.
Today is my sister’s birthday. No, we’re not going to discuss how old she is. Suffice it to say that I am the older sister by 2 years. AHEM!
My sister is just the best. She is a wonderful friend and confidante, an excellent Mom to her 3 super kids, a superb wife to her husband Jonathan (well, at least from my standpoint, she is superb! HA!),and I am so glad that she is part of my family. I wish we didn't live an hour away from one another, but then again, I am blesed that she is ONLY an hour away. We see each other often and talk almost daily by phone or email. She is the nearest and dearest friend and family in the world to me.
Happy Birthday, Sis! I hope you enjoy your day! I hope to help celebrate with you in Michigan next weekend. WOOHOO!!! Love ya!
There is a great deal of torture here at work. Not physical beatings or water drip torture. Things aren’t quite that barbaric in corporate America, I don’t think. No, the torture I speak of relates to the frequent displays of birthday treats, leftover sweets, Einstein or Panera bagels and cream cheese, and other tasty consumption items that are often placed on the party table in the near vicinity of my desk or actually on the ledge at my desk.
So, why does this pose a problem? Well, most of you may not know this, but I am now living under an assumed identity: Diet Girl. I know it’s intimidating. It sounds like a super hero--doesn’t it? Sadly I don’t have a cape, but I have heard that capes are overrated anyhow. And no, I’m not in the witness protection program or hiding out from the mob either. I’m simply on a quest to become healthier. Oooh, I like that! It sounds so hobbitesque...
My journey with Weight Watchers and their Flex Points system began on April 1st. I’m not kidding. This is not an April Fools’ joke, people. I really started the diet on April 1st. No really, I did! It might sound like a joke, but it really happened. My sister and I decided to make some major strides toward getting in shape, and so here I am as Diet Girl. I’ve lost 18.3 pounds on the plan thus far, and it makes me giddy. I’m not aiming for the Miss 30-something America pageant here, if there even is such a thing. I’m just trying to get a better handle on my health.
So how did I get the nickname, Diet Girl? Well, twice in the last 3 weeks, one of my attorneys has brought in Einstein bagels with several tubs of cream cheese. It is tradition, and I can appreciate that, and I think he likes putting it all on my counter or ledge, which is right next to his office, so that people pop into his office all day and thank him for the bagels. I don’t think he is purposefully trying to torment me, and I'm certainly NOT trying not to be ornery about this, but that just doesn’t work for me any more. I don’t need that tempting smell wafting in my direction or the visual of fresh cinnamon sugar bagels sitting right in front of me all day. I can usually handle it for an hour or two, but after that, the bagels and cream cheese have to go. I don’t say anything about it or make a scene. I just sweep everything up and put it back on the party table down the hall. And if the attorneys ask me about it, I say, I’m on a diet, remember?
So this week, one of my attorneys brought out some chocolates and placed them on my ledge. After he walked away, I hastily moved them down the hall to a more convenient location. He later asked me why, and I said, Diet Girl doesn’t want to look at those chocolates all day. It’s a bit of a torture. He laughed, and ever since, I became known as Diet Girl here in the office.
So what does my role as Diet Girl mean in the real world? Well, as Diet Girl...
1. I do a lot more walking. My co-worker Barb and I walk during our lunch hour a couple of days per week, and my friend Becky and I walk a couple of evenings each week as well. I’m not ready for the mini yet, but I’m thinking about signing up for 2009 or 2010.
2. I pay attention to what I eat now. I read labels in grocery stores and am often purchasing things that are light, sugar-free or low fat. It’s becoming a habit.
3. I tend to tell people how many Weight Watchers flex points they just consumed. Are you sure you are going to eat that? Is that wise? It’s 26 points.
4. I provide a wealth of dietary information to those who want it. As in, I frequently answer questions such as: Hey, Mel, how many points are in this chip?
5. I don’t eat out as often as I used to, and I’ve completely given up places like Macaroni Grill or Olive Garden for the time being. It was hard to come to that decision, but when I discovered that my favorite dish at Macaroni Grill had 22 points (Pasta Milano: 920 calories/48 g fat/10 g fiber), I knew I needed to be drastic and break it off. [BIG sigh!]
OK, so it’s not all fun and games being Diet Girl, but I already feel a lot better and healthier, and that is a start in the right direction. WOOHOO!!
I got back from my walk with Becky tonight and decided on a whim to just check my gmail account and see what was going on with eharmony. I had 13 matches, and I got a message saying that I was at my match limit. HA! Now that makes me laugh for some reason -- don't know why really, but it does. I had all these emails cluttering up my pristine inbox. So sad!
Delete. Delete. Delete.
Well, it's official, I just closed my eharmony account. They really try to talk you into staying on by reminding you that statistically 1 in 4 marriages are unhappy ones, but that with their compatibility profiles, you have a better chance. Hmmmmm...not sure what to say about that, but I'm off now. I lasted a total of 30 hours. WOOHOO!! And I wouldn't say that it was a bad experience really. I just think I knew rather quickly that it wasn't something I was comfortable with. I don't know that I gave it a fair chance or really feel the need to critique it either. I just think that sometimes you have to follow your gut instinct or your Mom's advice, and when those two things agree, you know what you need to do.
For all of you singles out there who are loving connecting up with fellow singletons on eharmony, more power to you. Call me old-fashioned, call me chicken...it's just personally not for me.
On a whim yesterday, I went to eharmony.com. I started the online profile, which was free. I confess, that in the past I have mocked this site and others like it, and so I guess I just wanted to see what the hype was all about. I mean should I be so judgmental about it if I’ve never tried it? So, I completed the basics in about 15 minutes, and within seconds, I got matched up with 6 men in the area.
WOA!! So, I calmly started freaking out. Wait a minute...can you calmly get freaked out? I mean if compatibility is really this easy then what is my problem? Shouldn’t I be married with 2.5 kids already? So, I did what I was planning to do anyway. It was Mother’s Day, and so I called my Mom and decided to bring it up randomly in the conversation. OK, so maybe it wasn't quite so random, but I made an attempt. I already knew what she would say, but sometimes you need that affirmation anyway, and I got it.
I don’t think eharmony or other sites like this are for me. OK, so if I am still single at 40, ask me again, and I'll re-evaluate where I am. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t want a computer program to match me up with another human being based on my answers to some questions--questions that I was told to answer truthfully, but honestly, how objective could I be? If I wanted someone objective to complete my profile, I should have hired my sister to complete it on my behalf. She always tells it like it is, and that is why I value her friendship so very much!
Communication is key for me. I already know this about myself. I’m a sucker for a man that communicates deeply. A man that shares his intimate thoughts with me, his hopes, his dreams, his failures--that’s all it takes. This has happened a few times in the past. I meet someone, he is candid and shares his deepest secrets with me, I mistake it for a meaningful depth, and before I know it, I’m interested in getting to know him better, but in reality there isn’t that mutual connection. It turns out that he is “Mr. I-bare-my-soul-to-just-about-everyone,” and that I totally misunderstood his candor. See, I don’t share my heart with just anyone, and so it’s no wonder that I get confused. I’m transparent with a couple of friends and a few family members, but I’m very selective who I share my whole self with. Maybe that is a flaw I need to address, but I don't think GOD made all of us the same in that regard. I'm more reserved and apt to just listen to the thoughts of others rather than share my heart with someone I just met.
So imagine me with a medium that is all about communication, where someone can be anything they want to be. I think it could be disastrous, and my Mom, who knows me better than most, agreed. She didn’t put it in so many words. Her response was more that I should leave it in GOD’s hands, and while some would counter that response with the old “God helps those, who help themselves” motif, I would have to say that I agree with Mom on this one.
See, I know me, and I know my motives. Fact is that I keep giving my desires for marriage over to GOD, but then I get tired of waiting (after like 5 minutes), and so I jump back in and try to “help.” So again, this is me needing to let go of this area and give it back to GOD, and I need to do this daily, hourly if need be. Not just commit it once and walk away expecting results instantly. I'm human, and this area of trusting GOD with my future is something I really struggle with, and so I need to daily lay this struggle at my LORD's feet.
A roommate in college shared this poem with me. I don't know the author, and most sites list it as "author unkown," but it describes the impatient nature of my heart.
As children bring their broken toys,
With tears for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because he was my friend.
But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go..."
1. She has a shining Christian testimony and an amazing love for people. My Mom is a giver. She gives all she has, all the time. Her walk and her talk match.
2. She has a hunger and a thirst to know GOD. She spends time daily in the Bible and reading Christian literature. She is always trying to gain something new from GOD’s Word, and she’s isn’t afraid to share it.
3. She has a prayerful heart. When my Mom says that she will pray about something, she really does. I’ll share something with her and ask her to pray with me, and she will, and then she’ll always remember to check back with me about that prayer request for an update.
4. She is a great communicator and listener. My Mom can carry on a conversation very well, but when it comes to listening, she is really the best. Over the years, I’ve witnessed people pouring out their hearts to her on many occasions. Sometimes, she has some wisdom to share, and other times she just offers to pray with that person about the particular situations, etc. She is one of those people that you are always glad you talked things over with her. She always has time for a friend, no matter how she is feeling. She still writes regular letters to her kids, friends and other family members. She also writes notes of encouragement to the college students and missionaries of her church.
5. She is a hard worker and takes excellent care of her family and her home. She doesn’t believe in sitting idle for very long. Her hands are always busy preparing, mending, planning, etc.
6. She is a wonderful source of encouragement. Things haven’t always been easy for my Mom, but she always seems to make the best of things. With her, there is always a silver lining. She can always see the good and see GOD’s hand at work.
7. She is a gentle caregiver to both my Grandma and on occasion my Dad. I know that it can’t be easy always taking care of someone else, but my Mom does it with such a sweet spirit. I’ve watched her sacrificially give of her time, her strength and her energy, as she daily takes care of my 92-year-old Grandma, and I respect her greatly for her endurance and tender care.
8. She knows how to be frugal and save money. This is something I am still learning through her example. I might not see the need to save bread wrappers or reuse Ziploc bags, but I appreciate her thriftiness all the same. I know there were times when money was tight, but she never complained. She just made do with what she had.
9. She has the most sincere laugh and the cutest giggle. I love it when she “gets tickled” by something and can’t keep a straight face. She cracks herself up quite often and is not afraid to laugh at herself. I love how she shares the funny things that she does. “Melanie, you’ll never guess what I did last week. I made a cake and forgot to put in the sugar...”
10. She doesn’t feel it necessary to repeat gossip. I love this quality about her. Frankly, she doesn’t like to hear gossip at all, but even when she knows something about someone, she doesn’t repeat it.
11. She doesn’t complain. I’ve seen my Mom in serious pain, limping around or crawling up the stairs because of her back, but she’ll still have a smile on her face, and she won’t complain. She’ll take a needed break when we push her to do so, but she doesn’t grumble or get depressed about how she is feeling or how something turned out.
12. She has a great sense of adventure. She likes to explore and take the less-traveled path and discover something new to her. Whether she is scouring through cook books or magazines for a new recipe, whipping through crossword puzzles at the speed of lightning or exploring a museum on her first visit, she gets a thrill out of new things, new excursions and meeting new people. She has a great curiosity for life.
13. She gets excited to see her children and grandchildren. I love how thrilled she gets when she is visited by her family. She gets down on the floor and plays with the young ones, she spends hours playing games with her older grandkids, and she is not afraid to be a kid at heart with people of any age. She loves to tease and is generally the life of the party.
14. She is a planner and an organizer, and this gift she did pass on to her eldest daughter (that’s me). My Mom plans meals weeks in advance. She shops this month for what she will need for meals next month. I don’t quite have my shopping down to a science like she does, but I am pretty organized about most things in my life --planning vacations with friends, making preparations to move, etc. I’m grateful that she taught me how to plan ahead.
15. She doesn’t know a stranger. My sister and I used to be embarrassed by the random conversations that my Mom would get into at the supermarket, the library, etc. But now, I think it is one of my Mom’s most endearing qualities. She is pleasant and kind ALL the time to everyone. Lately, I’ve been catching myself smiling at people or saying hi to them as I pass them on the sidewalk, in the hallway at work, or at the grocery store. Every time I do that, it makes me chuckle to myself because it reminds me of my Mom, and I think it a good thing to be like my Mom.
This Mother’s Day, I sadly won’t get to spend the day with my Mom in Michigan. I’ll call her in the afternoon, and we’ll have a fun phone conversation. I sent her a card, and my sister and I sent her flowers as well, but I’m still sad that I won’t get to spoil her in person on her day. However, I am delighted that I will see her in a couple of weeks. I’m really looking forward to our time together.
I love you, Mom!
“Her children arise up and call her blessed...” Proverbs 31:28
I can't sleep tonight, and so blog, I must. I'm re-reading Michael Yaconelli's book Messy Spirituality: God's Annoying Love for Imperfect People this week for the first time in probably 4 years, and I'm struck anew with the fresh perspective in this inspiring little volume.
We talk our way out of the spiritual life by refusing to come to God as we are. Instead, we decide to wait until we are ready to come to God as we aren't. We decide that the way we lived yesterday, last week or last year makes us “damaged goods” and that until we start living “right,” we're not “God material.” Some of us actually believe that until we choose the correct way to live, we aren't chooseable, that until we clean up the mess, Jesus won't have anything to do with us. The opposite is true. Until we admit we are a mess, Jesus won't have anything to do with us. [Michael Yaconelli]
I confess that this completely flies in the face of what I grew up with. But as I read the Scriptures, I see more signs of what Yaconelli was talking about.
Luke 5:31-32 Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
I'm to come as I am to CHRIST. HE meets me where I am now. HE doesn't tell me to come back later when I've got everything together. HE just says come. I am to confess my sins and accept the free gift that HIS SON offers me, the gift of HIMSELF and HIS atoning work on the cross. And after taking that initiating step, I enter into that incredible, miraculous relationship with my CREATOR.
And I believe it's that relationship that brings about the real changes in my life. The relationship that guides and directs me. As it deepens, I become more in tune with what HE wants of me. I can hear HIM, and I start to see things in a whole new light, as well. Suddenly I see sin in my life that I didn't even know was there before. The HOLY SPIRIT convicts me of these hidden sins, and I start to see just how broken, how messed up my life really is. And it is there in my sinful condition, in my devastating brokenness, that my SAVIOR meets me and continues that wondrous work of transformation that HE began more than 20 years ago, and that only HE can finish.
Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter [or finisher] of our faith..."
Spiritual people also admit their unfinishedness. Unfinished means incomplete, imperfect, in process, in progress, under construction... The construction site of our souls exposes our flaws, the rough-hewn, not-finished faith clearly visible in our hearts. When we seek God, Jesus begins to take shape in our lives. He begins a good work in us, he starts changing us, but the finishing process is a more-than-lifetime process. The work of God in our lives will never be finished until we meet Jesus face to face.[Michael Yaconelli]
Philippians 1:6 “...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
A friend of mine quoted Monsieur Pierre Teilhard de Chardin on the phone about a year ago, and I hastily wrote the quote down on a post-it for further contemplation. Well, the other day, I found the post-it again and have been struck by that first line again and again this week: “Above all, trust in the slow work of God..."
My former pastor, Rich Vincent, used to talk often about the frenetic pace of life that we so easily get caught up into. Yes, even with spiritual things, we get into that same frantic frame of mind--thinking that if we don't instantly see the changes in our lives that we are not truly reformed, not truly redeemed or forgiven. But spirituality isn't something you attain. You don't arrive one day and get your certificate of achievement, not in this life. The spiritual life is a journey, all part of the slow work of God.
In his book, “Messy Spirituality,” the late Michael Yaconelli wrote:
“Spirituality is not a formula; it is not a test. It is a relationship. Spirituality is not about competency; it is about intimacy. Spirituality is not about perfection; it is about connection. The way of the spiritual life begins where we are now in the mess of our lives. Accepting the reality of our broken, flawed lives is the beginning of spirituality not because the spiritual life will remove our flaws but because we let go of seeking perfection and, instead, seek God, the one who is present in the tangledness of our lives. Spirituality is not about being fixed; it is about God's being present in the mess of our unfixedness.”
I get so frustrated with the cluttered mesh of my life. I'm task-oriented, project driven. I'm wanting to attain my goals and reach the mark I am striving for. I get impatient by the crawling pace I'm encountering on my daily walk. I'm wanting to skip ahead a few chapters, get to the good stuff. Not realizing that if I impatiently hurry on, I'll lose sight of the REALLY good stuff -- the relationship, the intimate bonding between FATHER and child.
"Above All, Trust in the Slow Work of God..."
by Monsieur Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
by passing through some stages of instability
and that may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on
as though you could be today what time
-- that is to say, grace --
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new Spirit
gradually forming in you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.
I'm noting a trend both this week and last week, and I feel it best to just be open about it and not keep it to myself before it goes any further. So here goes...
Three times now in the last week and a half, my co-workers have hollered for me or walked over and asked me if I could come and take a look at their computer issues. Hey, Mel, can you take a look at this please? OR Melanie, what do I do when this happens? I think it's stuck. So on these 3 occasions with my 3 different co-workers, I have gone into their offices and fixed the problem [i.e. I pressed a couple of buttons or restarted the machine, and everything seemed to work fine after that].
So now, they think I'm something of a genius or an IT wizard. Hey, how did you do that? OR WOW!You're good. STOP LAUGHING! This is serious. I can't let this continue.
Those of you that know me well, know the truth. My Mom and Dad might think I'm something of a technological expert because I reset the clock on their DVD player every time I visit, but that's just because that blinking light drives me crazy. My 5-year-old nephew Jacob knows that Auntie Mel is no gadget wizard. He has tried several times to teach me how to make the cow jump on the cow racing game on Wii, but I just can't seem to get it. Poor kid--he gets so frustrated with me. I've mastered tennis, bowling and most of the other games, but I just can't get the cow racing thing down. Truth be told, in the real tech-savvy world, I'm a complete novice. I might have mastered the remote control, but that's about it. I will confess however that I am a magnet for challenging computer issues--that part is true. I find them, but I can't fix them myself. I just bring them to my IT pal's attention and ask them to diagnose and fix the problem. Pretty please?
So if there was any brilliance in this case, it was accidental. I know that Arif, Aric, Jason, or Joe would 100% agree with that statement. And my brother-in-law (i.e. the coding genius) will totally laugh at the possibility of me being a computer genius.
So I've got to nip this rumor in the bud once and for all... Let me clarify. If you have computer issues, please get help elsewhere. I'd love to help you, I really would, but you are much better off WITHOUT my assistance. Trust me! It's better with electronic gadgets that I just step back and let a person skilled in the art (as we say in the patent world) do his/her stuff! However, if you need someone to check for grammatical errors, to assist with legal patent documents, to take some photos, or to suggest tips on how to kill crickets that are invading your space, I'm your girl.
Today after my volunteer shift, I went for a walk on the IMA grounds, camera in tow. It was a lovely afternoon, and the temperature was perfect for a leisurely stroll through the gardens.
Most people know that I tend to gravitate towards people with cameras. If I see a couple or a husband and wife taking turns taking photos of each other or shots with the kids, I'll go over to them and ask if I can take a shot of all of them together. Well, being the lovely day that it was, I had lots of opportunity to jump in and take photos for people. It makes me happy for some reason.
As I started to cross the bridge, I delayed crossing it completely to stay out of the pictures that this guy was taking of this woman he was with. Finally, they stopped and were setting up another pose, and so I crossed over. He said, "Hello. How ya doing?" I said that I was fine, and then I asked if they wanted me to take a photo of them together.
He laughed and said, "Well, that would be a bit awkward. See, I'm taking her senior photos here."
"Oh. Got it." I said a bit embarrassed as I walked away.
"But thanks for offering," he said.
I got around the corner and into the garden, and I just burst out laughing. OOPS!! I am such a goober sometimes.
I walked through the rest of the gardens and enjoying snapping shots. The gardens were full of color today...pinks, oranges, yellows, reds, and purples dominated the scene. Truly glorious handiwork of our CREATOR! I think HE delights in the delicate beauty of HIS marvelous workmanship--a beauty that never ceases to be less miraculous to me each and every season! Thank you, LORD!
Then later this evening, Becky called and asked if I would like to go for a walk, and so we went back to the IMA, walked through the gardens and a couple of miles out on the trails along the canal there. It felt so good to just get out and walk. Got to do more of that.
I think we all crave connection. It drives us, pushes us to look outside ourselves for that something else. I don't think we're meant to be solitary creatures at all. We need each other.
For years now, I've had this quote by C. S. Lewis hanging up in my cubicle at work...
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
Re-reading this quote today reminded me of where I've been and who I've become over the last couple of years. Since I'm wide awake now, I'm realizing just how selfish I have become. Sure I connected with a few friends regularly, but I wasn't reaching out at all like before. I was tucking myself away in safety with my movies, my books, my own thoughts. I was obsessed with my hobbies and burying myself away in my quiet little apartment. But I don't think we're meant to be our own best friend. To have your self as your own one true companion is unwise, unhealthy and pathetic.
This line from the movie An Ideal Husband always made me sad: "To love one's self is the beginning of a lifelong romance." That's no good. I don't want to live like that...
I've been missing from my own life for the last couple of years. That might not make a lot of sense to some, but it's the way things have been. I have been on the sidelines in my own story, going through the actions but not present. I've been watching other people live, been watching to see how their stories develop, but I haven't been living much myself.
How did it happen? When did I start this phase? I'm not sure. I think it might have had something to do with the loss of my church. When I lost my community of people that I studied with, went deep with, got real with--something changed in me. I felt broken. It's as if I stopped growing, stopped seeking like I had been, stopped caring. And that's not me, not the person I had been. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own. It's as if I shut down and went into mourning, feeling deep sorrow over the loss of what had been and was no more. But instead of reaching out like before or stretching myself into another area, instead of seeing this as yet another opportunity to grow into something else, I retreated. I crawled back into my head, and there I stayed. Complacent. Cautious. Cold.
Maybe this was my "dark night of the soul."
But something changed again. I started connecting again. I started caring again. I started wanting to get involved again. Suddenly it wasn't enough to exist, to go through the motions of life. Suddenly I felt the need to contribute. What caused the change? I don't know.
But I'm awake now. Done mourning. I'm a bit sad. Sad I missed so much, let friendships go, stopped trying to leave a mark on the precious lives around me. Sad that I forgot to make every moment count and be the light HE called me to be.
What does all this mean for the future? I don't have a clue, but I know HE has a plan, and HIS plans have a way of coming together for my good and HIS glory.
You know that kid's story about city mouse and country mouse. Well, if you don't...city mouse visits country mouse in the country, and then country mouse visits city mouse in the city. And the whole point is while they both love visiting the other's home, they still long to go back to their familiar surroundings. City mouse discovers he's not meant for the country life, and country mouse learns that the city is fun to visit but not home to him.
So...I think I'm a country mouse. I grew up in small town America, you know, a town of 2,000 or so, where everybody knows your business, etc. I think I miss some of that. While I loved visiting Chicago this week and sometimes I miss working downtown Indy, I think I'm meant for the country.
OK, so I'm not really living in the country right now. I'm still in the Indianapolis city zone, but I'm on the fringes right now, and I like it there. I still like to escape to Eagle Creek Park and get lost on the trails or visit some of the small towns around me like Clermont or Lizton. I still like to know my 30+ ways to get from here to there. I call it my escape routes. I mean, I think you should always know another way to get somewhere. It's practical really, but for me, it's also fun. I know in these days of needing to conserve gas, you should be always taking the shortest route from point A to point B, but I confess that I still like to wander and get away to the cornfields, away from the hustle and bustle of 465, away from the road rage and honking of horns.
Yeah, I'm a country mouse living on the fringes of the city...
