I'm Back

I've been missing from my own life for the last couple of years. That might not make a lot of sense to some, but it's the way things have been. I have been on the sidelines in my own story, going through the actions but not present. I've been watching other people live, been watching to see how their stories develop, but I haven't been living much myself.

How did it happen? When did I start this phase? I'm not sure. I think it might have had something to do with the loss of my church. When I lost my community of people that I studied with, went deep with, got real with--something changed in me. I felt broken. It's as if I stopped growing, stopped seeking like I had been, stopped caring. And that's not me, not the person I had been. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own. It's as if I shut down and went into mourning, feeling deep sorrow over the loss of what had been and was no more. But instead of reaching out like before or stretching myself into another area, instead of seeing this as yet another opportunity to grow into something else, I retreated. I crawled back into my head, and there I stayed. Complacent. Cautious. Cold.

Maybe this was my "dark night of the soul."

But something changed again. I started connecting again. I started caring again. I started wanting to get involved again. Suddenly it wasn't enough to exist, to go through the motions of life. Suddenly I felt the need to contribute. What caused the change? I don't know.

But I'm awake now. Done mourning. I'm a bit sad. Sad I missed so much, let friendships go, stopped trying to leave a mark on the precious lives around me. Sad that I forgot to make every moment count and be the light HE called me to be.

What does all this mean for the future? I don't have a clue, but I know HE has a plan, and HIS plans have a way of coming together for my good and HIS glory.